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Episode 98

Sex Nerd Sandra

Puzzle in Your Pants

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Sex Nerd Sandra #98: Puzzle in Your Pants

TRANS SEX 101! Guests JT and Kaydence let Sandra ask inappropriate questions so you don’t have to! TOPICS: Pronouns, Weird Daily Moments, Danger in Transition, Bottom Surgery, Trans Terms, M-to-Femme, Outside the Box, Dating, Continuum Pendulum, Visibility, Hormones, Libido Changes, Passing, Origin Stories, Gender Dyslexia, The Evolving Party in Your Pants, Soft Cock Ejaculation, Nipple Bulbs, Restroom Catch 22, The Trevor Project, and ALL THE AWKWARD SEX LIFE QUESTIONS EVERYONE IS AFRAID TO ASK!

Kaydence is a Los Angeles based artist and lover of life with an adorable Twitter avatar. JT would prefer to maintain his mystery man status. Thank you to them both.

Hang out with Sex Nerd Sandra on Twitter and Facebook. It will be the fun times.

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14 comments

  • I learned so much from this episode. I’ve never meet a transgender. There were so many questions that you asked that I’ve always wanted to know.
    thanks

  • I think an excellent job was done on this episode. Although I do agree with the writer above about the recent sound quality. As a non trans male, I am new to the understandings and nuances of the trans community. I appreciate you Sandra for addressing and helping those who are in the dark become just that more enlightened on the subject. Reading many of the comments it seems that asking a trans person about their trans experience seems to be a bad idea. I would ask those who share this take to please explain how us cis gendered individuals out there who want to learn and understand, would go about learning of your experiences? Part of me understands how it may be taken as rude, but the other part feels that through the understanding of others, you will gain an empathetic supportive community…

    • I think Scully put it very well saying that their personal litmus test was asking themselves if they would ask a cisgender person the same question. If you wouldn’t ask a cis person about their genitalia/body or their sex life, you probably shouldn’t ask a trans person about it. Again, unless that person you want to ask is comfortable answering questions and has told you explicitly that they are comfortable with it.
      If you just have basic trans 101 type questions, honestly, just google it. The internet is a great resource. There are many blogs run by trans people, and a very active Youtube community (especially with FTMs) with people who post videos about their transitions and various trans related issues. You can learn a lot from a number of different perspectives and also save yourself from potentially offending someone.

      As to the last part of your comment, I disagree that it is the responsibility of the trans community to teach cis people about our lives and our bodies. Since there are so many resources available to people who may want to know more about trans folks, I think it is totally possible for people to retain their privacy and still have a community that supports them. Personally, I’m often very open to answering questions about my experience being trans, as long as they’re respectful and asked at an appropriate time (I’m less so when they’re questions about my body or my sex life, because I have a lot of dysphoria and shame about my body and I don’t really like talking to people about it), but that is a choice I have made, to be open about being trans. I do not, and should not ever feel like I have to be open in order for people to respect me and my gender identity. And those who choose not to be as open are as worthy of the same respect.

      • Thanks for the perspective Zach, your advise will be dully noted and I will try to learn what I can online. I am not only trying to learn about Trans sexuality, but all the many facets of sexuality that exist including cisgendered folk. I will definitely look on my own, but if you have a good net resource do you mind posting it…sometimes word of mouth is the best way to start…thanks

        • Highroller, I don’t know what your knowledge base is, but I’d suggest checking out Huff Post’s transgender tag. Not everything there is perfect, but it’s a lot of news and personal essays about the trans experience from a WIDE variety of perspectives on a whole host of issues. As for 101 stuff, I would trust anywhere that you would think should be relatively reputable, such as major LGBT and trans organization’s websites.

          As far as more personal experiences, Youtube is seriously a tremendous resource. Just search for anything you might be interested in knowing more about, such as coming out, medical transition, or navigating relationships. Since I am a trans man, I am much more familiar with FTM Youtubers, and there are a ton out there. There are also collaboration channels, where a bunch of different people post in a week, typically all on a given topic. If you’re interested in relationships and sexuality, at least for FTM men, check out T Mates, it is a channel for the (primarily female) partners of trans men.

          Hopefully this is a good starting point!

  • I think they were mostly agreeing to being open about answering general stuff like pronouns and such. They did make the point that they are open to answering questions posed in a respectful fashion. Personally, I think someone walking up and just asking questions in a ham-fisted fashion regardless of how polite the langue is would not fall into the respectful category. I do agree in everyday life it can definitely be a problem that people ask very private questions in situations where it is completely inappropriate. My personal litmus test for talking with anyone about their sexuality in casual conversation “Would I ask a cis hetero friend the same question?”

  • I didn’t get the feeling from the intro or episode that you should just feel free to ask trans people about anything. I have both trans male and female friends and while I may have wondered I have never felt it appropriate to ask about most of the topics covered in this episode because it isn’t particularly salient to our friendship. Personally, I felt grateful to Sandra for finding people who came prepared to talk about these topics in a completely appropriate setting and context.

    • Perhaps it was just me, and I’m not trying to rag on Sandra or either of the guests for being open and willing to answer questions. That’s awesome of them! But there is definitely a real problem of people thinking they can ask any trans person at any time about their body or their sex life and expect answers. I, and many of my trans friends run into this problem pretty frequently. Or partners of trans people. I know my girlfriends has had friends and family of hers ask how we have sex, when they definitely wouldn’t ask that if she was with a cis person, male or female. It’s incredibly rude and frustrating.

      Again, I know Sandra didn’t intend for her intro to come off that way, and maybe I’m the only one who interpreted it that.

  • Hey, just a friendly bit of feedback: it was a great episode with some really interesting and insightful points, but it was very much marred by *really* poor audio mixing. Like the voices apart from Sandra’s were waaaay to quiet and if I turned up the volume the reverse happened. The sound quality on the previous 2 episodes was to be honest a little bad. Please have a look at it Sandra!

    (Still love your podcast, don’t worry :)

  • As a trans person I was excited to listen to this episode when I read the description, because while the Buck Angel interview was great and he is an incredibly interesting person, as a porn actor, he has a much different relationship to sex and his body compared to most trans folks I know.

    Overall, it was an interesting conversation and I’m glad you put out this episode, even though I didn’t agree with some of the things JT and Kaydence said. However, your intro and some of the conversation made it seem as though it is okay to ask trans people about their bodies and how they have sex. This is a real problem many people face, in that cis people, no matter how well intentioned, kind, or just curious, think they can ask trans people questions about their bodies in a way that is often invasive and rude. It is perfectly fine and natural for people to have questions about trans bodies, but no one should ever, EVER ask anyone questions about their body without their explicit permission. Trans bodies are not inherently for public consumption, yet they are often treated as such by society, media, even friends and family.

    I know this was not your intention, but that’s at least how the intro came off to me, and it kind of soured my experience listening to this episode, despite the good conversation that was had.