Menu

Episode 82

Sex Nerd Sandra

Dave & Sandra Breakup

user avatar

Sex Nerd Sandra #82: Dave & Sandra Breakup

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, AND MORE FEELINGS! Sandra and Dave hug goodbye after a long talk about the ups and downs of their on-air relationship.

TOPICS: New York Decompression, The Call of the Heart, Gratitude, Hooking Up, Divorce, Reasons for the Breakup, Processing Feelings, Communication Challenges, Abandonment, Solidifying Friendship, Dave’s Closing Remarks on Polyamory and Sex Positivity, and Everyone Finds Out The Other Person Cares.

 

Upcoming dates: Live podcast at NerdMelt Showroom at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles on March 19th! Purchase tickets here!

 

Follow @DaveToTheRoss and @SexNerdSandra on Twitter! And visit Sex Nerd Sandra’s website for more sexy nerdiness!

Tags

43 comments

  • I’m just now catching up with the SexNerdSandra podcast and am thrilled Dave is leaving. He really is a low talent sidekick, talks way too much with nothing to say and interrupts way too often. He is often the only one laughing at his stupid jokes and really offered little in the way of entertainment. He talks of moving on, good. You way overstayed your welcome. Can’t see much in your future. No one with any brains would pay good money to hear or watch him perform. Good riddance!

  • This is the first episode of this podcast I had listened to. It was really uncomfortable. I felt like a stranger stuck in a room with a couple that was breaking up. Although, I’m sure other episodes aren’t as intense, it has been really difficult to bring myself to listen to another episode. Maybe place a warning as to the intensity of the episode in the description for those who are not familiar with that relationship.

  • I’ve been listening to the two latest episodes and just went back and picked a random episode with Dave. SNS is now a completely different podcast, good in it’s own way but not what I want.

    The fun element is missing. It’s not just that Dave is gone either, Sandra has taken on a focused educator role and I’m not relay as enthusiastic over the intricate technical detail of how prostrate play works – I’m into spending my commute to and fro laughing with you guys and basking in the wonderfully positive energy, the amusing asides and not least the weird chemistry between you guys.

    I guess the breakup is terminal, and perhaps it’s a good thing. Still, I really do feel for Dave. I’m always going to love some of the epic episodes like Sanda’s trip to Japan – but for me, it’s over.

  • MAN IM GOING TO MISS THAT SEXY VOICE. Love you Dave, all the best. You sound exactly like my ex boyfriend, which is a very, very good thing. Love your sense of humor.

  • It’s some time after the “break up,” but I wanted to contribute my opinion.

    I will miss Dave immensely.

    That’s not to say that I don’t value what Sandra has to say. She is knowledgeable and informative, and I think she does a great job of asking the questions that listeners may have.

    I listened to one or two episodes of the podcast after Dave left. My biggest worry was that there would no longer be a “normal male” perspective on the show. By “normal” I mean that Dave seemed to ask the questions that the average, lifetime-of-vanilla, male would ask. I miss the male perspective.

    So, Dave leaves and the next episode is Sandra and a few women talking about oral sex… blowjobs, in particular. Without a male perspective. I appreciate the woman’s POV on the topic, in fact. I don’t want to take away from what was discussed in that episode, but it was an episode about blowjobs without a single male voice.

    The next episode, and I may be wrong, was an episode with a male… James Deen. An Olympic athlete of sex and not at all indicative of the “median” male.

    I stopped listening after that. Not only was the male perspective gone, but then James Deen was a guest. The top male pornographic performer in the industry is the next male that is on the show after losing the familiarity of “Average Guy Dave.”

    Suddenly, I felt like I wasn’t part of the target audience and I completely lost interest in the podcast.

    I’m hoping that this is constructive. I hope it doesn’t sound petty. I really do enjoy Sandra and her guests. I still think it’s a great podcast and an excellent resource for answers to “taboo” subjects. But without a male perspective I really have no interest in listening any longer.

  • I agree with everyone who’s said that Dave is an important proxy for a layperson and that the shows without Dave are pretty tedious. I don’t like the one on one format.

    I think Sandra falls into the trap of trying to explain every topic from the basics regardless of what the audience’s likely knowledge level is. The invisible bisexual episode is a good example of completely failing to get to any interesting discussion because all the time is spent trying to educate an imaginary listener who’s never heard of bisexuality before. I think if Dave were there he would’ve hurried that along by asking some intelligent questions.

    Also, if you’re looking to improve your podcasting, check out how the Idle Thumbs games podcast uses breaks and editing. 1 hour is a long time to talk at a stretch, so periodic breaks really improve the conversation quality.

  • I might be of base but I think what Dave was trying to say about poly was that being honest does not remove all responsibility from the person that is the object of affection. I used to say I’m just a naturally friendly person. But, that resulted in mixed signals, and people occupationally got hurt. Even when being very clear that my personality can seem flirty and that I’m not expressing any intent people can still miss understand. So I toned it down It is unnatural but if it spares peoples feeling then its worth it.

    If a person is poly they can be making emotional commitments to multiple people and should impart the appropriate amount of responsibility on that relationship. This can lead to n * problems (where n is the number of partners).

    TL;DR with great power comes great responsibility (and the most comfortable person in an relationship has the most power and some times has to end the relationship for both peoples benefits)

  • I’ve been through a few podcast breakups myself, and from an insider’s prospective this is a good move for both of you.

    I look forward to see how one of my favorite podcasts develops, as well as what Dave decides to do in the future.

    I’ll miss Dave, but listening to this podcast says it was for the best for both of you.

    Also for Dave, this is great because now you can listen to this great podcast, if you’re at all like me and don’t listen to podcasts that you work on.

    Good luck guys!

  • Due to time issues, I’ve been looking to cut some of the podcasts I listen to and I think this episode just put SNS at the top of the list. I’ve been listening since the beginning and through it all, Dave’s input has always been one of the main draws for me. The episodes without Dave seemed to just be about a series of bullet-points that needed to be hit. I’ll stick with the podcast for a little longer, but unless something good comes up to fill the void Dave is leaving, this podcast might fall by the wayside for me.

  • I absolutely love Dave and Sandra together on these podcasts and Dave will definitely be missed. If I’m completely honest, I hope that Sandra gets someone similar on the podcast because Dave’s perspective is REALLY important for listeners like me, who come from a similar background. If that perspective is lost on here, I will have a difficult time continuing to listen. I still love the podcast and Sandra and the content, but it will be hard to keep up without a grounding perspective.

  • Take care, Dave. Enjoyed your presence on the show and I’ll miss you. I have to say I think you missed the boat on your criticism of polyamory, however. Differing expectations out of a relationship are a hazard of engaging in relationships, not an issue with polyamory. You pointed out that you’d been in the situation of one side wanting more and one side wanting less. When that happens, is it a problem with monogamy? Or is it just a problem with those two people not agreeing on what their relationship should be? So if it happens in a polyamorous relationship, why is the blame attached to polyamory and not to the individuals involved?

  • I apologize for posting again so soon. However, I just read a post by Mandi, about how she did not like how Dave insinuated Sandra had bad communication skills and wanted to talk about this topic.

    I do not believe Sandra has bad communication skills. I think what Dave was alluding to was Sandra’s nerdish shyness/ insecurities. (which she has many times talked about having) However, these issues do affect the quality of the shows where Dave was not present. I noticed many times Sandra would step out of the way and let her guests almost have free reign of the podcast. The podcast would then be made or broken based on who the guest was. At the opposite end, there were podcasts where Sandra did not step out of the way and while those podcasts were informative, they were also pretty dry, hard to listen to, and sometimes even boring. I believe that a host should find a middle ground of leading and stepping out of the way. I find without Dave the show became something I was not interested in, there might be an audience for the clinical sex positive show I heard, but sadly that show is not for me.

  • Very sad podcast. The chemistry you two had was a huge selling point for me as a fan and avid listener. As a whole you made an amazing podcast team. Sandra provided the intimate knowledge and information while Dave brought his sense of humor, and perspective as the layman. The show was at its best when just like any normal conversation Dave would interrupt Sandra when she got too technical, or the show became too serious, and Sandra would interrupt Dave to bring him back on topic. It was real, and messy at times, but thats life, and what makes for great entertaining learning moments.

  • I can appreciate that Dave brought a certain kind if curiosity to the topics at hand, which for some people helped answer a lot of questions. However, I found him to be a bit of a distraction at times and not adding much to the discussion only deflecting his own nervous energy. I don’t find it useful for him to complain about issues during his last episode on the show either. Why he chose not to discuss his points with the guests when they are there to speak for themselves is beyond me. He basically said he was not up to stirring the pot in order to get his questions answered. By not having the courage to ask his questions or challenge the issues as they came up he subjected himself to a one sided debate which he poured out in this episode. How fair is that to the people he takes issue with? I’m shocked that Dave insinuated that Sandra had poor communication skills, he is clearly the one who can’t or won’t speak up when he obviously wants and needs to. I wish Dave the best of luck in his journey forward and truly hope he finds something that makes him happy. Thanks for finally being honest with lack of interest in the subject matter of the show.

  • So I have a lot of things to say but yeah. That doctor that came on and shamed Dave about having unprotected oral sex and made fun of him and brought it up without his permission again later to talk shit about how dumb it was to have unprotected oral sex.

    Otherwise, I’ll miss Dave. I think narrative is so super important and Sandra will be well-advised to make sure that is a part of the show even if its challenging as a producer. Wanting the show to be information-driven is fine, but I would do an audience survey or something before making the co-host change and then eliminating the existing format as well.

  • I LOVE YOU, DAVE! You will definitely be missed!

    I definitely teared up when you guys hugged at the end. I also liked the outside perspective and levity that Dave brought to the show and hope that the other guests can bring some of the same. Hope you guys keep in touch and keep us updated. Best of luck and big hugs to you both!

  • Saddest podcast ever. I loved Dave’s input on the show. He asked all the questions I wanted answers to, while making everything relatable, funny and comfortable. And your chemistry was so good together.

    Dave: you need to get get someone to run that podcast you were talking about for you, because I’d definitly listen to it. Looking forward to future stuff.

  • I think something else needs to be said (and I mean this in the most constructive way possible): I’ve noticed that, when it’s just Sandra and a guest, it can get a little bit to techincal for my taste and on rare occasion boring. But when Dave was around, if the conversation had gotten a bit stale, he would make it more fluent (even though it is true that the interruptions – if you can call them that – were a bit distracting). I agree with what some people before me suggested, and that is that Dave brought an outside perspective which a lot of us need, mainly because I can safely assume that a lot of us don’t know much about this stuff and we’re here to learn. I just hope that Sandra will find someone who could bring that perspective back into the mix.
    The reason why I’m saying all of this is a simple one: I really love this show and it has helped me so much with some of my issues involving sex and I have no doubt that it will do so in the future. However, I’m also a bit worried what the show will be like now that Dave’s gone and the dynamic will shift drastically. That’s all I guess…

  • Oh Dave. I reiterate what everyone else here has said.

    I was tentative clicking into the Dating and Chivalry podcast but Dave’s sense of humour and overt insecurities as a male feminist of sorts, called to me from a place of kinship. Dave seems to say whatever I’d be thinking, whenever I’d chime in if I were in his place.

    Because of this, Dave’s openness and humility in stepping into this new world of sexual possibility, I’ve found it much easier becoming comfortable and open to the gamut of sex positive ideas. While polygamy, for instance, still seems so far removed from my values, I have a much better understanding of the emotions and reasoning behind it, as I do for so many other amazing sexual kinks along the spectrum.

    And while I know there are no ill feelings between Podcast Mum and Podcast Dad, I definitely wouldn’t understate the value of having Dave as a formative part of the team. For many of us approaching this from the Nerdist platform, his input and insight as an outsider to the community has been invaluable in bridging the gap for some who would’ve otherwise been too afraid to take the first step.

    I love you guys and miss you already Dave. I hope that everything, chaotic as it is at the moment, gels for you. I hope that if this something with the New York girl has legs, that you grab hold of all the happiness you’re entitled to. Sandra, I hope that everything comes together for you as you want it to and look forward to seeing all these exciting things that you’ve got on the horizon.

    Thanks again guys.

  • Sad day. You will be missed Dave.

    Not to discredit the fantastic work Sandra does, but Dave is who makes the show so relatable for me personally. He brings a lot of nervous humor and wide eyed wonder to the table. I’ve always missed Dave on the episodes he’s been absent from because he brings the outside perspective that keeps things accessible for those of us who are more mainstream.

    I look forward to seeing the content y’all put out, be it together or solo.

  • I really understand Dave’s ending remarks, more generally, about confronting the negative sides or detracting from the mainstream position in this arena. Maybe this is the same problem every group has when it chooses a broad area to focus on. But perhaps a special reason it’s so hard for the subject of sex is because of how rejected it is in mainstream society. Things like polyamory and sex positivity are often under attack at the bases, and it’s hard to find room or tolerance for the smaller disagreements on the edges.

    I think a lot of it is about finding the right space to discuss these issues and making sure to frame them in a way that makes it clear that it’s coming from a place of honest inquiry, not with any intention of extrapolating to a take-down of all things sexual.

    On the similar subject of feminism, I have some questions I feel equally hesitant to ask. It’s troubling because of how honestly curious I am on these issues, but the problem is how closely the questions align with the misogynists. I asked a friend of mine about it, and she did allude to this defensiveness she had from the barrage of microaggressions and worse both physically and online.

    Anyway, this is a more complicated issue than it’s worth to try and cram in this comment. But maybe this is something like where Dave was coming from. This was my first Sex Nerd Sandra episode, and I’m glad I listened!

  • I actually really liked that Dave voiced his concerns with sex positivity while still managing to support the movement as a whole. I think discussing ethics is really important and sometimes the sex positivity movement can seem like it’s trying to be above all criticism. It would be interesting if that’s talked about more in the future. As for Dave, I’ll miss him, he was hilarious but also really insightful.

  • Well..this was kind of a bummer.
    Sorry to see you go Dave, I did appreciate what you brought to the show, but it’s understandable why you feel the co-hosting should come to an end.
    Thanks to both of you for many entertaining & informative episodes.

  • I think what Joe said above sums up how I feel as well. Hopefully the new structure that the podcast will have will include a similar balance and outsiders perspective that Dave brought.

  • Sad day. I always felt Dave added a much needed outside perspective and a certain kind of levity to the show. Oh well, things change, I suppose. I’ll keep listening as the show evolves, and if Dave does another podcast, I’ll check that out as well.

  • Dave was the voice of the layman who asked the questions that I often have when listening. He made the show more accessible to people like me, who are fascinated by alternative sexual lifestyles and want to understand them while having no particular interest in adopting any. The points he made in this episode were valid and I only wish he’d expressed them sooner and more often during his time as co-host for they could have made an already excellent program that much more meaningful. I will continue to listen, since I love the show, but I will miss the balance that Dave brought to it.

  • Wow. Will miss Dave so much, especially this version of Dave that is so honest and questioning. I want to see/hear more of that. Will be looking for his guest host spots in the future.

  • I will miss Dave on the show. He made some good points regarding sex positivity. While I think the concept of sex positivity is a good one, it quickly becomes problematic at the margins. American culture has been largely so repressive that any concept that serves to make the discourse more generally accepting is a net positive. I would love to hear this topic discussed further on the show and I would hope that somehow Dave could continue to be a part of that. The missing chemistry between you guys poured in once you got to the meat of the matter.

  • Thank you Dave and Sandra for doing this on air. For us who have followed you for a long while now, this is very sudden and painful. It’s courageous and helpful to invite us into the process breakup. I will miss Dave, but I’ll keep following you both!

  • Oh my goodness, that was heartbreaking. I’ve only been listening to this podcast since the Dr. Nerdlove episode, but I’m already getting emotional about Dave leaving. Best of luck in the future, and I would watch the hell out of a “Psychology with Dave” podcast.

  • It really did feel like you guys were getting divorced. That was tough to listen to. I can only imagine how it felt recording it. Wait who gets custody of Katie?!?!?!