The theme of WIRED this month is “How It’s Done,” in which we lay out a simple series of steps for the processes of things like making Cheetos, transporting prisoners, developing Pixar animation and my piece: the crafting of stand-up. Because every comic has their own spin on this I was able to get some juicy quotes from some of my favorite comics like Bob Newhart and Steven Wright along with some of my other favorite comics (who also happen to be my pals) like Paul F. Tompkins, BJ Novak, Louis CK and Zach Galifianakis.

The toughest thing for me with this piece was allowing my stand-up notebook to be photographed. A comic’s notebook is half Tome of Spells and half diary, but like a child’s drawing it only makes sense to the artist. I always fear that if I leave it in a hotel room, whoever finds it is going to misinterpret its disparate ramblings as those of a serial killer’s (I have the words “Grandpa Soapy Handjob” sloppily written down. I have no idea what it means.). I would almost rather have had my penis photographed than my notebook. I think the below picture is the comic’s equivalent to that first Playboy shoot for a corn-fed Midwestern girl–I’m allowing the world to see my soul’s tits.**

Imagine how excited I was to find out that, TODAY, you can now see my idiotic scribblings in the snazzy new iPad app! I saw a mock-up of it at the WIRED offices a couple of months ago, and it beat every expectation I had. The UI is simple yet gorgeous (heavy props to Scott Dadich), and rather than just scanning the print version (like many current iPad-azines) they have thoroughly utilized the medium by giving the reader a more intuitive and interactive experience. Swiping horizontally represents page-flipping and navigates the stories, while swiping vertically gives you the pages of whatever story your on. The x & y of it is incredibly fluid, and really gives you the physical sense of delving into an article.

On top of that, readers can experience supplemental multimedia content, like a 2-minute bit I did about Cracker Barrel which I reference in the piece.

It’s true, nothing can truly take away from the tactile intimacy of flicking glossy, bendable paper between your digits, but the iPad (and soon-to-be other tablets) version gives its viewer a more robust, engaging media experience. Editor-in-Chief Chris Anderson put it best in his digital welcome letter: “WIRED is finally, well, wired.”

The WIRED app is $4.99 and WELL worth it, but you’re also free to flip to page 150 of the analog version if you want to see where my dick jokes come from.

**personally, I think they’re kind of knobby and point in peculiar directions

Creative Director or WIRED Mag and good-friend-of-mine Scott Dadich gave a cool lecture in May about the making of a cover. Scott is not only an insanely talented, MULTI award winning designer, but also super nice guy and the sharpest dresser I know. In the last handful of years Scott has given WIRED its signature look and made each issue as much of an art magazine as a tech one.

Artistic Geekery is the EMBODIMENT of Nerdism, so I am proud to have Scott Dadich on our team.

I happened to be up in San Francisco a few weeks ago and strolled into the Wired offices to have a sit-down chat with my editor Adam Rogers, an hilarious chap that I wish I had a podcast with because our conversations typically go so far down the nerd hole that their content screams “niche podcast.”  In the opening of the vid, I’m reading some salty “letters to the editor” from the front of the current issue that were written in response to “Technology’s Gutterball,” a piece I wrote two months ago about the infiltration of tech into bowling. The first letter starts with an unironic use of the word “hogwash,” so you know that guy’s easily in his early hundreds. The second is a finger wagging at my contentiouness toward the advancements of bowling science. I think both gentlemen failed to grasp the tongue-in-cheekity of it all. This is why there should be a font for sarcasm. Oh well. Better for these guys to get their complaints out in magazines than by shooting strangers in the park. Gripes Not Snipes, I always say.

The rest of the video is me arrogantly blabbing about writing the piece, which is NEVER not fun.

I have the nerdly pleasure of writing for Wired about every other month. This piece chronicles 6 weeks of my life trying to implement time management programs as a freelancer. It was super fun to write and I ACTUALLY LEARNED STUFF IN THE PROCESS. I sincerely hope you enjoy it. If you have a need for instant gratification or a bizarre magazine phobia then start reading it here:

Diary of a Self-Help Dropout: Flirting With the 4-Hour Workweek

Time-management books command huge swaths of bookstore shelf space and sell tens of thousands of copies a year, but I always figured they applied more to stapler-stealing cubicle jockeys than someone like me. I am a freelancer. My services are available to anyone at any time. In a former life I was probably a whore. In this one, I am responsible for two cartoon voice-overs, three writing jobs, a movie soundtrack, my stand-up comedy act, TV hosting gigs, and half of a musical-comedy duo. Don’t get me wrong; in this economy, I’m grateful for the work. But without any kind of 9-to-5 structure, it’s a lot to keep track of.

So how do I handle it? Poorly. My days are like eBay shipments: a few tangible things and a whole lot of packing peanuts. I obviously need help being the boss of me. So I decided to try an experiment: I’d spend two weeks absorbing, in succession, three well-known productivity systems and see if I could find one that worked for those of us who count income in 1099s instead of W-2s. I already owned David Allen’s Getting Things Done; Gina Trapani, editor of the blog Lifehacker, further recommended Julie Morgenstern’s Never Check E-Mail in the Morning and Timothy Ferriss’ The 4-Hour Workweek. That made three, and three examples is all you need for a magazine article.

Continue reading at wired.com—>

Yes, I wrote an article about bowling technology for WIRED. You can see the web version here or purchase the November issue of the magazine. Say, why not do both? You’re a mover and a shaker with disposable income despite the current economy.

More information at wirednextfest.com

Which element on the Periodic Table best defines you? Hydrogen? Magnesium? Gold? Nickel? You don’t know, do you? That’s because you haven’t been onto Facebook and added the "What Element Are You?" app from the diligent team over at WIRED Science Labs. The show may have passed away but you’d never know it if you lived on Facebook!

You (2007) – Facebook has apps!
You (2008) – Facebook sure has a lot of apps.

True, but this one is really fun. Working on a more complex model than "What kind of drunk are you," WiSci’s braini-app allows you to not only define yourself elementally but to then take it one step further by forming compounds with your friends. Will you be table salt? Will you form a hydroxide? Will you create some new compound that by its very union defies the very laws of Nature itself? Because you are a sack of firecrackers with a "can-do" attitude, I’m confident you’ll find out. By the way, I’m Sodium!

What Element Are You?

*CREDITS: My friend Liz Burr over at KCET Interactive wrote the algorithm, while Princess Imoukhuede mapped out the elements and I wrote the content. The app was developed by Pure, Inc. and graphically designed by Nick La.

I look very serious in this picture. Let’s all just admit that. I’m "up to something." Clearly it’s the kind of conspiratory hijinks one might find in an X Files or a Cold Case. Whatever the reason for the faux intensity, it shouldn’t eclipse the fact that EVERY EPISODE of PBS’s WIRED Science is now freely available on the digital broadcast museum of Hulu. Sadly, WiSci (as we call it in the WiSci biz) is never coming back to PBS because the flashy colors and forward-thinking science programming triggered pulmonary embolisms and uncontrolled urination in its core demographic, that being Elderly Cranks, 80-112 (as categorized by Nielsen Media).

But their life loss is your life gain in the way of Edutainment! Now, you can get all of your favorite WIRED Science shows! Like, Episode 1! Episode 2! And who could forget that thing that happened in Episode 6! Don’t forget, it’s all FREE (a bargain at twice the price!)! Long live exclamation points!!!

Thank you, Hulu, for resurrecting the maggoty corpse of the coolest show I ever hosted and putting it on display like a caged zombie! No go forth and be WiSci-ed!!!*

WIRED Science [Hulu]

*WARNING: WIRED Science may inspire brain activity and feelings of "awesomeness." Pregnant women  should consult their physician before prolonged viewing regarding Neuro-Fetal Ejection, a disorder which can occur when excessive levels of dopamine in the brain induce labor just to have someone to tell about the amazing thing that was just seen. Symptoms of NFE include acute verbal effusiveness and sudden childbirth.

Whether you’ve recently been plucked out of your 19th century timestream and are trying to adapt to our technology’s sterile aesthetic or you’re just a busybody with a lot of free time and brass, the Steampunk Movement may be just the thing you’re looking for to replace those annoying friends of yours that keep bugging you to get out of the house. Originally, this piece was supposed to air on WIRED Science but was cut for time. Now it airs exclusively anywhere you can imbed flash video.