You know those cancer movies where the main character goes in for a routine doctor’s visit and gets really bad news?

Well, I’ve got the light-hearted buddy movie version of that story, starring me and a giant spleen-cyst named Igor.

This would be the reason I haven’t been on Nerdist for a while spilling my inner most dorky sexual situations. I’ve been too busy terrified I might explode.

Once Upon a Time…

It all started with an ultra sound for my crazy, unrelenting heartburn. The doc thought it was gallstones. I thought it was a waste of time.

So I’m lying there in the darkness as a nice lady lubes me up and silently prods my abdomen. I regret that this experience does not live up to my fantasy. After a while, I notice she is spending a lot of time on a large, dark orb on her screen.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“That’s your spleen,” she says.

“Well, okay. It’s good to know I have one. No one’s ever checked.”

She smiles. Little do I know she is a liar-face. This is not my spleen. That is 18% spleen and 82% mystery meat.

The Next Day

My doctor is at a loss for words. He literally has me read my own chart.

“A cyst in my spleen? You mean ovary, right?”

Nope. Spleen. As in that organ no one thinks about until it’s gestating a baby. This would explain those stabbing pains I’ve been ignoring.

“A large cyst like this in your pancreas would be concerning. In your spleen? Well, that’s VERY concerning.”

I blink blankly. He explains that the spleen is an incredibly vascular, blood-dense zone. Rupture could mean a lot of bleeding. Plus, it’s pushing on important things like my kidney and stomach. Cue sound effect.

Fruit of My Womb

Igor measures 13cm x 11.5cm x 11.3 cm in diameter. In American, that’s 5.1” x 4.5” x 4.4”. It’s like a large grapefruit only less delicious.

My companion insists we need visual aids. I concur. We head to the grocery store.

I search the produce aisle with trepidation. Once spotted, I approach the grapefruit in reverence and horror. I choose a juicy one and cradle it.

Calculations of a Spleen-Baby

Citrus is not enough. I go home to do math. (And by math, I mean use online calculators.) My findings are as follows:

• By volume, it’s 29.3 fluid ounces
• In water weight, it’s 2.3 pounds
• By ounces, that’s almost 2 pints of beer.
• By size, I’m over 4 months pregnant.
• In pounds, I’m 2 months away from motherhood.

I don’t even know who the father is.

My Support Team

In my vulnerable state, I rely on my friends and family for emotional support.  My best friend informs me some tumors have hair and teeth. I imagine I had a twin in the womb but I ate him.

My loved ones make countless comparisons to “Alien“. My brother does the best impression of me dying in agony. That’s just what I need; a long lost sibling bursting forth from my peritoneal cavity.

The Rules: Avoid Ninjas

I’ve seen four doctors and two surgeons.  While my medical coverage gets sorted out, they all tell me to take it easy. None of them can tell me quite what that means. Below are the activities that doctors have explicitly warned me against:

1. Barroom brawls
2. Bungee jumping
3. Roller derby auditions
4. Bear hugs
5. Domestic violence.

No one has mentioned sex as a possible risk. I take this as a sign the universe still loves me.

For good measure, I ask a leading spleen expert if I’m in danger.

“Well, no, not really. It would take a direct blow to your left side for that to occur.”

Since then I’ve been imagining a ninja assassin karate chopping my no-fly zone while I’m distracted discussing the finer points of lube. Brutal.

Medical Controversy

So how’d this happen? Every medical professional I’ve seen insists I must have been in a car accident recently. That’s simply not the case. I haven’t even been body slammed since high school.

The aforementioned spleen expert, Dr. Leon Morgenstern, has only seen 23 cases like mine in his 28-year study. Of my 23 brethren, “in only one patient was there a history of recent trauma.”

Morgenstern’s conclusion is that people like me are born with this anomaly. I’m hoping his findings change mainstream medical opinion. Thanks to him, I have a smart-ass answer every time a doctor double-checks my driving record.

The Bright Side

After weeks of neurosis, I’m finally getting somewhere with my HMO. With the news of my impending surgery, there may be several excellent outcomes.

First, look at this picture above. That giant black circle is one third of my waistline. One third! All this time I thought I was big boned. I smell post-surgical shopping spree!

Second, any gnarly scars mean I’ll finally have a concrete motive for getting my first tattoo. I’m thinking the Nerdist logo right above my belly button.

And lastly, I’ll be cured!!! No more heartburn! That means I can stop using my sex pillow to prop myself up while I sleep and start using it for the pile driver again.

Thanks Igor!

******

Tweet me. Write me. Read me.

New Yorks premiere 8bit rock band ANAMANAGUCHI is coming to Los Angeles to play at MELTDOWN COMICS! Using a hacked gameboy and NES to play on top of live rock n roll, these guys put on a hell of a show. Ananmanaguchi also wrote all the music for the Scott Pilgrim vs The World video game, as well as the intro music used for the NERDIST PODCAST, and numerous original songs for G4tvs WEB SOUP. So come on out for this special JONAH RAY’S MELTDOWN PRESENTS, as it will be a dance party to remember.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26th 8pm at MELTDOWN COMICS

CLICK TO LISTEN TO THEIR ALBUM “DAWN METROPOLIS”

click here for pre-sale tickets.

Well fellow nerds, thanks to the addition of folders the iPhone is now even BIGGER on the inside. So about a month ago, I was in search of a new background, and thought, “Hmm, What would a Timelord do with an iPhone?” and the answer is probably “Nothing, I have a sonic screwdriver.”

Well to achieve this awesomeness, all I did was Google” TARDIS exterior” and “TARDIS interior” save the images I wanted, Set the Lock and Home screen and voila… I was awash with nerdy excitement when I first slid to unlock and entered the much larger interior of my TARDIS. I still get a kick out of it.

I invite all of my fellow nerds to join me in making your iPhones truly bigger on the inside.

PS I know that the exterior is the 10th Doctor and the interior is the 11th Doctor, If someone can make a nice pic of the 11th Doctor’s exterior, I’ll change it.

P.P.S. I ended up changing it to Tennant’s interior before the posting… Now they match!

Nerds, we have failed miserably! Scott Pilgrim vs. The World came in 5th this weekend behind The Expendables, Eat, Pray, Love, The Other Guys and Inception. While I’m excited by the staying power of Inception, I’m very upset that the two most fun films of the year did not take the top two spots.

I had planned to write a very different story on these two, but I cannot overcome my disappointment in Scott Pilgrim’s opening. I’m sure the film will earn and it is destined to become a cult classic, but I wanted the nerds to beat the jocks just this once, not come in almost $25 million behind. Honestly, I shouldn’t be surprised. Nerds never win in a popularity contest or any event that showcases brute strength and I guess box office draw falls somewhere along that spectrum. I had just hoped that our numbers had been growing as we slowly make our way into the mainstream and that Scott Pilgrim would be a chance to make our numbers known. Perhaps we were divided between Star Wars Celebration and the cinema. Whatever the cause, it’s not too late for some great summer entertainment.

Friday night was the guys’ night. My nephew and I braved the opening night crowd and went to check out The Expendables. As a fan of mindless action flicks, I had been looking forward to this one for quite a while. I remember hearing that Stallone was working on a film starring himself, Li, Statham, Lundgren, Austin, and rumored cameos by Schwarzenegger and Willis. According to Stallone; Van Damme, Segal and Norris were asked about making an appearance in the film, but it was not meant to be.

In the case that you weren’t sold on The Expendables because of the cast alone, I’ll give you a little bit about the plot. Stallone plays Barney Ross, leader of a mercenary group that is hired to overthrow the dictator (General Garza, played by David Zayas, best known to me as Angel from Dexter) of a fictitious South American island-nation. The team consists of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) whose weapon of choice is a blade, martial artist Ying Yang (Jet Li), Toll Road – demolition expert (one time MMA champ, Randy Couture), the unstable sniper Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren – Seriously, this guy is a chemical engineer and a Fulbright scholar from MIT?) and heavy weapons expert Hale Caesar (the too awesome for words Terry Crews). Rounding out the good guys is the sage-like Tool (Micky Rourke – I’m not calling him a tool, that’s really his character’s name).

We find out early on that Garza is working with an American named Munroe (Eric Roberts). Munroe’s personal guards include Paine, played by Steve Austin and The Brit, played by the familiar-but-I’m-not-sure-from-where Gary Daniels.

From the opening scene of the team in action to the massive explosion, hand-to-hand combat and gunfire period of over-stimulation that is the climax of the movie, The Expendables delivers; as long as you were looking for shit to blow up, one liners and people to get killed in ways that make the entire theater exclaim “Damn!” I also want to mention that I love the music choices in this one. Southern Rock and action flicks are made for each other and songs by Georgia Satellites, Mountain, Thin Lizzy and Creedence Clearwater Revival belong in this movie like Mtn Dew at a tabletop gaming session. If you can forgive the digitized blood in a few scenes, Stallone has written and directed the perfect action flick.

Sunday was the day that my wife, my niece and my nephew went with me to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The moment the Universal logo came up, accompanied by matching 8-bit song, I knew this would be something I would enjoy.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is about..uh..Scott Pilgrim (played by Michael Cera). Scott Pilgrim is your average 23 year old Canadian slacker who plays in a band, is between jobs and lives with his friend and gay roommate Wallace Wells (Kieran Culkin).

Scott Pilgrim is dating a 17 year old high school student named Knives Chau (Ellen Wong). Knives loves Scott and she loves his band – Sex Bob-Omb. Unfortunately, for Knives, Scott meets the girl of his dreams in Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead from Death Proof and Live Free or Die Hard). Also unfortunate for Knives, Scott gets too caught up in trying to win Ramona to break it off with Knives. Also also unfortunate, but for Scott this time, Ramona has seven evil exes that have banded together to control the future of Ramona’s love life. In other words, Scott must defeat the seven evil exes in order to continue dating Ramona.

Scott Pilgrim is filled with video game references. From Scott’s Pac-Man pick-up line to battles between Scott and the exes set to look like boss fights, this is one for the long time video game player.
The best part of Scott Pilgrim is the battle scenes. Comedic, action-packed, exciting and nostalgic I was a bit sad that there were only 7 evil exes.

This week was my favorite week in recent cinema-going history. The perfect action movie and the perfect nerd movie in the same weekend made it a joy to hand over my money. Thank you Mr. Wright and Mr. Stallone, you gave us some great entertainment. Keep doing what you do so well.

How much would I pay to see these again?

The Expendables: Out of $10, I would pay $8 to see it again. I could never get tired of some of those explosions and watching as the group takes on impossible odds.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Out of $10, I would pay $10. I love this movie and if I had any question about any future Edgar Wright projects, they are gone and I’m sold!

Jay Fralick is the co-host of the Wanna Watch a Movie? Podcast
Follow me on Twitter

Some weeks are better than others are for new releases. I had no intention of seeing Step Up 3D, so I thought I’d take a recommendation from one of the readers (Thanks, The Drummer from Def Leppard’s Arm) and check out The Other Guys. You know, the latest Will Farrell flick, but this time he’s a former forensic accountant that has been transferred to a spot amongst New York City’s finest. Unfortunately, for Farrell’s character – Allen Gamble, he is teamed up with an action hungry, temper-tantrum-personified in Terry Hoitz, played by Mark Wahlberg.

Adding to Hoitz’s frustration is the fact that the whole precinct lives in the shadow of two hero cops named Highsmith – Sam Jackson, and Danson – Dwayne Johnson. Due to a strange set of circumstances, early in the film, there is some opportunity to move into the spotlight and Hoitz wants it. The problem is that his partner, Gamble, wants no part of the danger associated with action-movie detective work and Hoitz hates him for it.

Let me hit the parts of the film I wasn’t too fond of first. I’m going to throw it out there, I don’t know him personally, but in every role he’s played, I can’t stand Rob Riggle. He plays the same part every time. Come on, Rob, how about a little variety. Oh… and you’re not funny with your yelling and repetition. You’re freaking annoying.

Aside from the jokes (remember “soup kitchen”), we’ve seen this one before, but I think that may have been the point. Two cops stumble upon some type of conspiracy involving a famous or powerful guy who is connected or protected so well that many are afraid to look into the case. Our heroes spend most of the rest of the film trying to build a case.

Things I love about this one:
I love Steve Coogan. This guy makes me laugh no matter what he does. I also love the lovely Eva Mendes as Gamble’s wife, who is described as plain by Farrell, throughout the film. The on screen banter between Mendes and Farrell is almost as good as the banter between Farrell and Wahlberg. I also love Michael Keaton’s slightly neurotic Captain who moonlights at Bed Bath & Beyond and seems at times to have given up on life.

Not a lot to say about this one. Not many surprises, it plays out exactly how you think it will. Some of the situations and visuals are funny, but we’ve seen it before.

How much would I pay to see this one again out of $10? $5. I have a feeling it is not as re-watchable as director Adam McKay’s other outings.

I’m looking forward to next week. A Double rain..er, a double review.

Jay (J.C.) Fralick is the co-host of the Wanna Watch a Movie? Podcast

Follow me on Twitter

Holy cats! In addition to the Nerdist Podcast Live show at Largo tonight featuring David Koechner, Fred Willard and Tom Kenny singing Spongebob songs, all show attendees will be able to attend a very special and private book signing with Fred Willard immediately following the show. Fred’s new book is entitled “Fred Willard’s Magnificent Movie Trivia: Put Your Knowledge of Movies, Actors, Facts & Firsts to the Test,” but what’s missing from that is YOUR NAME right next to his , hand-written by Mr. Willard himself. Thanks to Book Soup for making this happen!

Get tickets here or call Largo at 310.855.0350.

Special thanks to Node Warrior Hunter Boone for this snazzy graphic!

This week, from the “but why?” department: a double-body electric guitar. It’s the CatDog of guitars.

For extra fun, check out the tsunami of hate in the comments at Gizmodo.

Los Angeles, you are a busy city. You always have something or other going on. This is what makes it so challenging to promote in you (that sounded vaguely gross).

Still, I want to make sure that the next Nerdist Podcast LIVE @ Largo is JAMMED to the gills for some good Fred Willard entertainment. I’m looking for 10 motivated nerds who will promote our July 28th show in various creative ways, both online and in meatspace. You will each get two tix to the show AND a pre-beta invite to the upcoming Nerdist Network Experiment “The Node,” where you will share information with each about your various promotional activities. YOU MAY EVEN MAKE A NEW FRIEND OR NINE. Also, we’ll have a little post-show meet-up so I can thank/laud you in person. When we did this in Seattle, it was a phenomenal experience. I met so many cool folks who rule in many ways.

All interested humans should send an email to stuff@nerdist.com with the subject “PICK ME L.A.!”

GOOD. TIMES.

I’m on a road trip. I’m wearing earplugs. I’m thinking about condoms. Squinting at my screen in the Texan darkness, my little post is turning into an opus. Honestly, I’ve been writing since I cleaned barbecue sauce off my fingers in Memphis.

So this week, let’s just get some basics out of the way. We can even dialogue a bit in the comments. I want to see what you think, so I can come back in a few weeks with something more personalized for such an awesome group of human beings as I find here. Let’s begin:

1^st, let’s face it. As much as school health educators have crammed condom use down our throats (if you were lucky enough to get taught the essentials in school) we as a society generally make pouty faces when it comes to condoms.

Rubber rage is a common theme and I get it. “I can’t feel anything!” “They’re too tight!” and “They keep breaking!” are the exasperation I hear most frequently.

2nd, I don’t desire a threesome with a plastic bag as much as the next person. But can we refine the experience a bit? The answer is: Yes! A thousand times YES! The condom of your (or your friend’s) dreams exists! It’s different for each person, but there is hope.

3^rd, it’s better to have one than not. The least sexy experience I’ve had with a condom is when my partner didn’t have one. I made him run all the way to 7eleven 3 blocks away. His excuse? You’re the one who’s a sex educator! My excuse? Uh, I had no plans of having sex this evening and you’re the one with the erection.

So until I get back to Cali South, I leave you now in the capable and nerdy hands of Paul Joannides, Psy.D. He’s the author of my favorite sex book OF ALL TIME,  “Guide to Getting It On.” It’s the book I spent many a night at Denny’s pouring over in high school. It’s hilarious. It’s reassuring. It’s fact-tastic.

Here’s Paul in his very first instructional YouTube vid nerding-out hardcore on the subject. It’s a little rough around the edges, but it schooled even me. Be my friend, Paul! We can be condom nerds together! We can do condomlabra craft night and have a montage! Paul? Oh well. Here ya go. See ya on the other side of Arizona.

For years now I have been carrying on a very public affair with my wrist watch. Or rather, wrist watches. From my first watch (a movie tie-in from the late 1970′s) to my latest (a Swiss made diver’s chronograph) and every one in between I have simply been fascinated by these little time keeping machines. What started out as an affair of necessity over time grew into one of admiration, marvel and a fair bit of obsession.

Growing up wearing a watch was simply a matter of necessity. It was the 70′s and 80′s (even 90′s) and small portable devices that also held the time were simply not found. In today’s era we have dozens of opportunities around us to find the time: mobile phones, media players, tablets, netbooks, laptops, you name it. Just look around your kitchen and I would bet you have at least three devices that have a clock (we have a total of six in ours). Not in my day, no sir. It was a wrist watch or you had to dial the time. If neither were present you guessed. I was a lousy guesser (I guess) so I wore watches.

My first watch that I can remember came right out of the late 1970′s: a Texas Instruments Star Wars C3PO & R2D2 digital watch. Man I loved that thing. I was seven when Star Wars came out and like any other kid at that time I became enamored with everything Star Wars. The watch was just another piece of memorabilia at first, but I became accustomed to it’s feel on my wrist and the convenience of having the time at hand (hey, I was seven but I had places to be, Jack). Sadly, it was not long for this world: my parents had (have) summer property with a creek running right through the back yard and I quickly learned the importance of “water resistance” in watches. My watch (and my brother’s Darth Vader version) both ended up submerged and were never to work again. That watch may have been short lived, but my interest had just gotten started.

The style of watch I wore for much of my youth.

For my teens and into my twenties the watches I wore came out of what was available where I grew up. Montana was not exactly a hotbed of watch activity (that’s different today, however, thanks to the Montana Watch Company and the Bozeman Watch Company) and as such all I knew of were quartz watches. Another fact to consider regarding my selection was the so called quartz revolution that took place in the early 1970′s which nearly killed off the Swiss watch industry (more on that another time). Quartz watches were the prominent timepieces throughout my childhood. I went through a number of quartz digital watches by Casio, Texas Instruments or Seiko, all of the same basic format: digital display, usually the days of the week abbreviated across the top, chronograph and an alarm that wouldn’t wake anything it was so quiet. I probably went through a couple dozen of these over time, and I can always remember myself being with one. When I reached high school and eventually college I grew out of the all digital phase and moved to three-hand analog watches: hours, minutes and seconds. Maybe the date thrown in as well. I also had more than one watch, sometimes two or three, maybe four, but that was pushing it (can’t imagine having that few now!). As with earlier I was still limited to quartz watches, both through my under graduate and graduate studies. It would take a revolution for my collection habits to really change.

My daily wear watch, Citizen Navihawk, from 1997-2002.

That revolution came about at the end of the 1990′s and early 2000: the internet boom. Suddenly everyone was on-line and raking it in, including, as I learned, watch manufactures. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the www, I just had never considered it as an option to source watches. I had been wearing the same watch for about three years (a Citizen Navihawk) and hadn’t really had the itch to look. When that watch finally died in 2002 I turned to the internet and had my eyes thoroughly opened. For years I had thought that automatic watches were out of reach of “normal” consumers, that prices would be way too high for me to obtain one, so I hadn’t even considered it. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were dozens and dozens of options available and models and styles and brands I had never considered, all at affordable prices. As a result, I went nuts. I joined watch forums for discussions and suggestions, I bought and sold, I photographed my watches to post and show others. I had entered what I call my “mechanical phase” of collecting. The quartz watches I wore for most of my life were no longer of interest to me, I wanted mechanical watches. These wonderful little hand made machines that, although less accurate than a quartz, were far more fascinating. The gears, the mainspring, the escapement, beat rates, hacking seconds, jewels; I had to consume all of this terminology and I loved it. Learning bit by bit the basics of how they work and then realizing that these little machines required me to power them up, not with a battery, but with the movement of my wrist or a winding of the crown.

It was then, in early 2002 that my interest in watches turned to a bit of an obsession. Since that time I have bought and sold over 100 watches from a variety of manufactures in a plethora of styles. I’ve been a moderator on a popular watch forum since 2003 and post regularly on several others. I have a few hundred photos of my watches posed on various backgrounds and with various props and own two home-made photo light boxes to aide in the process. I began to not only be obsessed with my own watches but those worn by others, so much so that I started a website capturing screen grabs of watches found in movies and TV shows as was recently interviewed by a London-based watch magazine on the topic. I made my biggest purchase to date of an Omega Seamaster Chronograph for my upcoming birthday in August; the hardest watch related thing I’ve ever done is not wear this watch as I’ve had it sitting safely tucked away for the past five months waiting for that day in August when I finally get to put it on. If that’s not crazy, I don’t know what is.

The latest, an Omega Seamaster Chronograph

Thus chronicles my watch nerdism journey to date. I’m pleased that I get to share my nerdism with the Nerdist.com community. In future posts I plan to detail some mechanical watch terminology and basics as well as look at some slick watches that are and have been available as well. I am also in talks with an American watch maker (a rare breed) for an exclusive interview. Watch this space for upcoming watch nerdism news.

Photo credits:
Star Wars Watch: Christopher G. Moy
Casio: Casio USA Website
Citizen Navihawk: James Enloe
Omega Seamaster Chronograph: rgautschi on WatchUSeek