If LOST had lips, I'd never work up the courage to kiss it.

It’s been about a week since the Lost box set has come out. Enough time to finish all 5252 episodic minutes along with all the extra features. I’ll assume each and every single one of you has done so. You’ve read the pull out thing-y with your black light. The stone pieces reflected a distorted version of your smile as you set them on the board to a game you don’t know how to play. You got frustrated trying to roll up Jacob’s message in the ankh, which was nothing but gibberish symbols that meant nothing. You are done. You’ve finished all that is Lost: The Complete Collection on blu ray or dvd. Or have you?

wwwwWWWWAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaannnnnnhhhhhhaaaaaaaeeeeaaaao

(That is my typographical interpretation of the theme music.)

Continue on to get mind fingered. WARNING: SPOILERS!

So you got answers to things you didn’t care about, Walt is infecting your dreams again, and you teared up during the behind the scenes stuff. Time to pack it up. That’s everything. WRONG! You didn’t think the people behind the most picked apart series ever would spoon feed you all of the extras, did you?

Grab your black light and go at that map like a forensic investigator goes after people stains at a motel murder scene. Do you see the heart of the island? Of course you do. You did this already. It’s beautiful isn’t it? Like a holographic Mew. Anyone a member of the Pokemon League circa 2000? Take notice of the arrows and turn the map accordingly. Some of you are going, “Duh! Idiot. Shut up. Like, whatever.” The rest of you are going, “Holy Smoke Monsters! A hidden disc! I could have went years without finding this!”

There’s a hidden disc in the lid. How freaking cool is that?! Plenty of more things to geek out about, until you’ve hit play on everything. Then, that…is…it. Done. There couldn’t possibly be more. WRONG AGAIN! There are a ton of easter eggs throughout this thing!

You could try to find them all on your own like I did. (I failed.) On the other hand, you could go to Annie Chu’s complete list at the Examiner. She does a wonderful job of exposing all the secrets, I think. If more popped up on some other list, I wouldn’t be surprised. Lost is pretty much a giant middle finger pointed straight at you. Are we sadists for enjoying Lost so much? Eh, who gives two farts? Have fun.

See you in another life, brotha.

art by the incomparable Paul Hanley

So, I broke down and ordered the Eleven Doctors action figure set, as I knew I probably would, and I’m here with my consensus.  I don’t collect toys in general, so I don’t have much of a basis other than gut reaction.

I hadn’t decided whether I was going to remove them from the package or not until I got them.  I’m not too pleased with the TARDIS packaging; it’s fine but the toys don’t look good in it.  I think I was hoping for too much, after all it’s not a display case, it’s a box.  So I took them out, which took about a half an hour with all the plastic twisty ties they used.  After inspecting them, I decided to judge each figure on four criteria: Likeness, Detail, Toy Quality, and Overall Coolness.

LIKENESS: The thing you (I) want in figures based on real people is resemblance and these toys by and large do a good job.  Most of them are above average facsimiles of the actors, with the best being Jon Pertwee, William Hartnell, and Christopher Eccleston and the worst being Peter Davison, Paul McGann, and Colin Baker.  C. Baker in particular has almost no definition in the face. I know he’s the pudgier one, but he has a chin.  They did get the hair pretty dead on. RATING: 4/5

DETAIL: The detail of the costumes on these toys is astonishing.  They know mainly super critical nerds such as myself would buy these and if they didn’t get the look of the figures right, they’d have a bespectacled horde on their ass.  The coloring is absolutely wonderful and the costume choices for Pertwee and Tom Baker were great.  They must have rushed a ton of these out in a short time, so I can forgive a little paint running.  I’m not a monster.  Accessories are also excellent.  Six figures have a specially designed sonic screwdriver from their era, the First Doctor has his cane, the Second Doctor has his recorder, the Seventh Doctor has his umbrella, and the Sixth Doctor has, well, nothing.  They can’t make an ego toy, I guess.  One thing I’d say against it is the Sylvester McCoy figure doesn’t have his trademark hat so we can only assume the figure was based on the four minutes of screen time in “Ghost Light” where he’s not wearing it.  That’s a minor nitpick, though.  RATING 5/5

TOY QUALITY: Here’s where I have a point of contention a little bit.  Action figures need to have some weight to them and not feel chintzy. I spent $100 on these, I don’t want them to feel like dollar store fodder.  The earlier Doctors are all well and good, the middle ones are okay, but it seemed that the three new series Doctors are just repackaged versions of the mass-produced original line.  They’re lighter and not as sturdy.  On the upside, each figure has 15 points of articulation so you can put them in any action pose you’d like.  RATING 3.5/5

OVERALL COOLNESS: They’re just so damn handsome as a set.  Right now I have them on my living room’s mantle and it really is awesome.  Comic books aside, this is the only way we’re going to see every incarnation of the Doctor in one place and if you are into memorabilia, there really are none better.  RATING 6/5.  That’s right, 6.

Now, is it worth the price?  I feel like they could have been about $25 less expensive.  For $100+, I expected more perfection than what I got, but since I already bought them, I’m happy.  It might be possible to find them cheaper on ebay or through some dealer, but I’ll bet the price will only go up from here.  If you Whovians out there are into such things, I say go for it.

Then you can do this!

By the way, the top illustration is by Paul Hanley and it friggin rocks.

You’re welcome
-Kanderson

TOY STORY 3 SPOILER ALERT!!!

If you have yet to see this movie, you deserve it.

Remember in Toy Story 3 when they make that suicide pact as they creep towards a fire-y death? Now you can re-enact it with LEGOS! Nothing says, “Happy Birthday, my precious child. I love you so so much,” like a toy depicting the scene that scared the shit out of them! I felt like my childhood was about to get murdered while watching this part. It didn’t help that three kids started crying in terror either.

I’d still play with this.

Available here. (Found via Gizmodo)

I don’t write poetry here.

Maybe the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. For the first time, Doctor Who completeists can get all eleven incarnations of the last of the Time Lords, including Paul McGann’s Eight Doctor from the 1996 TV movie, never before seen in action figure form. The figures come in a TARDIS-shaped box for easy display.  They ship in August with a street value of $99.99.

Now if only my wallet was bigger on the inside.



My saga of the Leo Ina is one of bold vision, poor execution and a possible conspiracy theory.  Sit down with me a spell while I tell my tale…

It all started innocently enough. A workplace toy raffle, a winning hand. I was the envy of all the girls as I left that day, my purple prize clutched to my bosom. Home I went to honeymoon with my precious.

THE VISION:

Lelo Ina comes from a proud Swedish lineage. Like her forebears, Ina is rechargeable, quiet and lovely.  Her playful end is coated in non-toxic, non-porous silicone. But what makes Ina different from all her older sisters is her dual stimulation.

Mmmmmm… dual. Friends, when it comes to satisfaction, there are two kinds of women in the world: Outies and Innie/Outies. The first group can make due with a little pocket rocket or silver bullet, but the second group, well… they prefer a hearty filling to meet minimum standards. I belong to that greedier category.

So Lelo was everything, and a bag of chips. The chips being eight variable throbbing patterns and at its zenith, the “Circular Mode.” It revs inside and out, back and forth, “tantalizing her user before delivering the most prolonged satisfaction, time and time again.” The toy copy alone is foreplay enough. This, I knew, was it. The toy I had been waiting for. My Magnum Opus.

So I get home and in my most inquisitive Sex Nerdist state immediately  break open the box, stopping only a moment to admire the beautiful packaging before ripping her from her sheath. Boom. Let’s dance.

EXECUTION:

Owning Ina was a magical experience. Up until the moment of insertion. Then everything went to hell. I didn’t know my love button could be bitch slapped. Ina taught me this and other things.

She taught me that the distance between my g-spot and external vulvular parts is farther than I thought. She taught me that if something hurts the first time, it won’t hurt less the second. She taught me to distrust Europeans.

As Melody from Michigan writes, “I am not sure why it hurts so much on insertion and removal… This gadget will make you orgasm. But try to remove it: ouch again.” Melody, why did you still give it 5 stars? I’ll never know.

Of course, I’ve read other reviews online and many seem to like it. They like the crustacean death grip this pleasure object provides. Considering the space allotted for the pelvic bone and surrounding tissue, plus her negligible wiggle room, I have not recommended her since.

CONSPIRACY THEORY AFTERMATH:

Defeated, I banished her to my bottom drawer, wrote my op-ed piece for work and sorely settled in for the night feeling truly violated. But a growing doubt began to form.

How could they fail me? Lelo is the Apple of sex toys! Is there something I’m missing? A secret that dare not speak its name?  And then the jigsaw pieces clicked into place. If I pivot this bad boy around, the itty bitty end would go right into my (gasp)… No!

And suddenly, I knew. Ina was no Muffin Mistress. Au contraire! Ina is more like an Ass Master. But who would test this hypothesis but yours truly?

Yep. I took one for the team.

It took a lot of praying and soul searching. I was scared. Sure, I’d taught hoards of souls about backdoor basics. But this crab hand of doom, this clenching clam… this sex nerd may have met her match. I had to do it. For science.

So we sat there, her and me, eyeing each other suspiciously. A little lube, a little patience, a deep breath later and… huh. What a shocker! Everything matched. It was gonna be okay. I was going to be okay. Those sneaky Swedes.

She gripped the perineal sponge perfectly! This erectile tissue between the female orifi is rich with nerve endings. Some would call it the second G-spot. And if I had actually been aroused at this point, well, I would have been smiling a bit more than than I was. But I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress.

CONCLUSION:

So should you or your loved one try this little shellfish? Perhaps. If a clamp-of-death clitgrip will relieve your carpel tunnel, give it a whirl. If someone’s PS-spot is yearning for some extra attention, put a bow on it.

As for me, next time I’ll order the rabbit.

***

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Well these guys have been loafing around Nerdist Industries HQ for a little while. HOWEVER, assuming that a lot of you might not rush out to grab the iPhone 4G until your AT&T subsidy kicks in, you will still have PLENTY of time to decorate your 1-3 gen iPhone in a kick-ass NERDIST wrap!

These delicious adhesive beauties are in limited number and for sale for $14.95 over at Wire & Twine. Enter the coupon code “gelaskin” for absolutely FREE SHIPPING!

C’mon! Don’t bareback that iPhone! Slap a stylish condom on that sucker while making a grand statement to others in the world about the Nerdist ideology you subscribe to!

BUY HERE!

It’s felt! It looks like a Game Boy! It’s for your iPad! It’s $34!

What the hell more do you need to know?

Available on Etsy.

via Geeky Gadgets

While using these creatures to stab your food so you can smash it into your face slightly takes away from their majesty, I gotta admit that this is a charming, inexpensive way to fill your corn hole.

Available at UrbanOutfitters.com for $10.

Personally I’m waiting for the 3G model because I travel so friggin much and don’t always have access to hotspots, but the wifi model I’m reviewing for Attack of the Show Monday is now in my grubby little hands!!!

Quick first impression…FiNgErPrInTs…Gorgeous machine, though. I didn’t really get to play with it much at the announcement a couple months back.

Beth Baldwin of Washington, D.C. handcrafts the most AMAZING huggable plush toys from old sweaters. Each character is completely unique and comes with its own named card, like Nigel Owlington above.

Check out all of her creations (which include narwhals and fleecy seahorses) at her ETSY store and follow @tigerflight for craft fair appearance info!