Above: Michael Moore & Jimmy. Below: Broken Bells taken with Hipstamatic

Check out Late Night With Jimmy Fallon tonight! I’m nerding out on it.

Yeah, I’m pretty much nerding out over Doctor Who. I’m two eps into Season 3 and I’m angry that it took me this long to discover my new favorite show but thrilled that I get to have the experience. I mean, a show that, in one episode, goes back to meet Shakespeare, references the time travel laws of Back to the Future and then casts “Expelliarmus” at an alien witch??!!! Come the f*ck on! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, THE DOCTOR!

exTERRRminATE.

Anyone who knows me knows I love ol’ George House, especially when he’s leaning on a crutch to Huang Huang.

I’m not 100% sure where this ran but I have my suspicions (I’m looking at YOU, China). Of course, bad translation is always hilarious. ALWAYS. But in reality, I don’t even have the ability to draw a Chinese character, much less assemble a bunch of them to form poor sentences. All Asian letters just looks like pieces of Wheat Chex to me, so I gotta lotta nerve harshin’ on their English skillz.

Though, to be fair, I don’t get paid to translate things for large companies, like the lunatic who had the won tons to accept Yuan for this hatchet job.

via BuzzFeed

Recently I bugged Weird Al about how I really wanted a vintage AL TV shirt and he totally found one and sent it to me! This photograph was taken moments after I claimed this shirt’s virginity. As it is 25 years old, I say it was about time.

And thanks, Al!!! You’re the bestest!

GONE are the days when a diminutive ketchup slit merely weeps globs of the tomato-ey condiment onto a plastic sleeve that in turn becomes a shitty, makeshift spreading mechanism. FINALLY the Heinz Illuminati will soon usher in an Elizabethan Age of Mobile Ketchup onto our fries and hearts. And an additional wisp of packet sorcery seems to allow fattening humans the ability to either “clip it” or “dip it.”

Oh, what a time to be alive!!!

Had a delightful lunch with Adam Savage, then got a tour of M5 and cornered Jamie to take this picture with us. We’re going to start touring as The Three Tenerds.

Mike Phirman took this picture of me last night in the parking lot of a TGI Fridays, the only open good-time eatery we could find when we arrived in St. Louis at 11pm.

“Computer Problem Busters” sounds like it was named in Japan and translated back into English. You have to admire their consistency! Their website (computerproblembusters.com) is just as straightforward and uninspired! This kind of grass-roots, no-nonsense nerdery makes me think they might actually know what they’re doing.

*Side note: Mike kept being irritated by the string of cliche 90s megamix hits that were playing in Fridays. The playlist could have been named “Frat Party Rape Night.” Then I reminded him that if you heard these songs out in the world, you would sarcastically say to yourself, “Where the f*ck am I? TGI Fridays??” Then it all made sense.

via @rdeal1

I took this at an old cafe in Paris. If you’re worldly, you’re probably all like, “Mmmbut zees toilets are EVreeWHERE, you buFOON!” Then you should start hitting yourself in the face because it’s not my fault I had never seen one before.

This type of “Standing Deployment” waste receptacle poses several logistical problems in my estimation. Going number UN seems pretty straightforward (literally), but number DEUX seems problematic at best. Let’s run the scenarios that I’m sure will be debunked in the comments section by an angry bored person:

1. STANDING: Your first option would be to step up on the porcelain launch pads, face away from the toilet, drop your pantaloons and empty yourself. Of course, we humans are at a disadvantage re: poop-standing as our bipedalism has rendered our rectal firing system 4F and the resultant blast would be more reminiscent of an overactive Sugar Maple belching sap in lumpy spurts down its trunk. In this instance, the pants become less of a leg covering and more of a “shit net.”
2. SQUATTING: Ok, let’s say you decide to squat down. You damn well better have the balance of a Cirque Du Soliel tumbler lest you fall backwards and end up supine in a tray of fresh butt butter, limbs a-flail like a toppled dung beetle.
3. SPIDER-CRAWL: Using your ninja training and insanely developed quads you leap up from the foot stands and catch yourself in perfectly lateral splits against the opposing walls with unwavering strength. From this vantage, you rain down a Mentos-in-Coke-bottle-like fountain of your poop while holding your hands in a palm-strike position and screaming “Yu-Gi-OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

In my opinion, #3 is really the only viable option but does involve total lower nudity. Next time you’re in France and spot one of these waterless proto-toilets, see which method works best for you and report back on your results!

As a side note, posts like one are the probably the reason this blog is blocked from many of your work computers.

Many thanks go to Felicia Day for co-hosting “Attack of the Show” with me today. She was hilarious with a generous side of charming and I’m not going out on any limb when I say she is one smokin’ cookie! (Felicia, I hope that doesn’t sound douchey)

If you ever get the chance to host a show with her, I suggest you do it!