A plucky New Zealand manufacturer is about to start selling jet packs to people for $75,000. So far no license is required and they can propel humans up to a mile in the air at 60 mph.

Statisticians expect millionaire playboy deaths to go up 112%.

via GOOD Blog

From time to time I ask people to scoop nerdiness out of their own brains and slap it onto this site in the form of writing, a technology that dates back 6000 years to ancient Mesopotamia. THIS is one of those times.

Please welcome to your eyes the delightful and Canadian Kelly Oxford:

I was 14 years old when a group of A list modeling agencies were holding a cattle call for potential models.

I was totally unaware of my looks, but knew I wanted to be famous, so I walked into the casting call looking like this.

I was 5′6″ and 80 pounds. Up to this point I had gained fame in my middle school for my Steve Urkel and Kids in the Hall “Chicken Lady” impressions.
Logically, my next step would be modeling.

I wore my Mother’s Chanel knock-off blazer that came down to my knees. I was given a number and pinned it proudly to the jacket, feeling as though I’d already won something or perhaps had been accepted into Julliard.
Hundreds of girls walked in front of the agents, and as I’d hoped, all of them noticed me. Unfortunately it wasn’t because I was model potential.
Of course, in my deluded mind, their snickers and laughter came from a place of knowing I was hilarious and clever with all of those twirls and spins I was completing so effortlessly on the catwalk.

One by one, the agents stood up and called out the numbers of the girls they had chosen.
I was in complete shock that my number wasn’t called.
The agents thanked everyone and told us that if our number was called that we were to meet in the Manulife Tower in half an hour, 23rd floor.

I decided to regroup my thoughts and go to China Express where I pulled out my copy of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” and ate lo mein.
Half an hour later I found myself running across the street to Manulife Tower and getting on an elevator full of tall girls and Mothers carrying overflowing modeling books.

The 23rd floor was wide open.
Around the periphery of the giant floor were desks and stations for all of the different agencies.
There were stacks of contracts, polaroid cameras, measuring tapes and more agents.
I headed for the only table with no girls waiting in line.
It was Wilhemina Models.

“Yes?” she said
“Hi”
“What do you want?”
“I’m here to sign up.”
“Your number wasn’t called.”
“I think it was”
“I chose only 3 girls out of 400. That is why there is no line here. I know what they look like darling.”
“Maybe you like me better now that you can see me close up?”
The woman whispered “I’m sorry” through a smile.

I walked over to FORD AGENCY.

“Hi.”
The man didn’t look up, “Number?”
“1149”
“1149, 1149, 1149…. no I” and then he looked up
“I’m sure you called my number.”
“Oh honey. I’m sorry but we didn’t”
“Really? Weird! I think you should take my picture with that camera.” I pointed to the polaroid camera.
“Is your mother with you?”
“No.”
“Oh. Well, we don’t have you on this list.”
“I think you’d really like me. I work hard, I have since I was a small child. I can dance, I can act, but I can’t sing.”
A woman joined the man on the other side of the desk.
“Can you take off those glasses?”
I took off the glasses.
“Can you take off the jacket?”
I did.
“Right!” I said “You know I’m actually very very very photogenic, and my mother is small and has a great body so I will too one day.”
The woman took my photo and the man looked annoyed.
“I need to see your profile”
I stood sideways.
“Stop smiling” he said
Soldier face.
“I’ll do whatever it takes you know. I don’t even need to get braces. My teeth are perfect.”
“What is your name?”
“Kelly”
“Well Kelly, you are a little short, what are you 5’6”?”
“5’7” and I might still hit a growth spurt.”
“Do you have a book?”
“I have ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’”
“No, a book, book. A modeling portfolio.”
“No. But I can get my Mom to take a bunch of black and white and blow them up for you if you need them.”
The woman turned to the man “She is photogenic. Look at her face.”
The man looked at my face.
I remembered, soldier face.
“Here. Fill this out.” He slid and information sheet across the table.
“But promise me that you will only sign with us, and leave.”

“Done”

Two weeks later the woman called me in to meet her. She plucked my unibrow down to nothing and told me what kind of clothing to buy. She showed me how to walk in high heels and she booked my first job for Levi’s the following year… right after I willed my vision back to 20/20.

Schwaaa? Who IS this Kelly Oxford person??? Does this tale have an ending? Ask her yourself and/or follow the glorious stream of her tweets: @kellyoxford

GONE are the days when a diminutive ketchup slit merely weeps globs of the tomato-ey condiment onto a plastic sleeve that in turn becomes a shitty, makeshift spreading mechanism. FINALLY the Heinz Illuminati will soon usher in an Elizabethan Age of Mobile Ketchup onto our fries and hearts. And an additional wisp of packet sorcery seems to allow fattening humans the ability to either “clip it” or “dip it.”

Oh, what a time to be alive!!!

via @mattmira

Sure, Conan’s probably going to leave NBC with 25-40 million dollars while Jay snatches back “The Tonight Show,” but that doesn’t mean you can’t show you’re support for a guy who was the strongest and most innovative voice for brainy comedy nerds in the latenight landscape! Mike Mitchell, the artist responsible for the now iconic “I’m With Coco” image above will be on hand to accept your hugs and praise.

“But, Chris Hardwick, how can I justify rallying for a rich white guy when an impoverished country like Haiti has been destroyed?” Excellent question! The double duty of the rally will be to collect donations for Haitian relief, as the Red Cross will be on hand to do so. Bring whatever you can spare!

Fans are encouraged to dress as your favorite Late Night characters: the pyloric sphincter, Camel Toe Annie, or even Coco himself. Or just wear orange.

the details:

Monday, Jan. 18, 2009
12pm to 4pm (RAIN or SHINE)
Universal Studios lot
100 Universal Plaza Dr. (off of Lankershim)
Universal City, CA 91608
Sidewalk in front of Gate 2

We suggest that, if you can,
to take the Metro (aka subway)
to the Universal City stop,
as it’s right across the street.

This film rips the pants off your mind in one motion and then blows it. Its makers at The Third and The Seventh explain the piece in a way that seems like it may have been in another language first:

A FULL-CG animated piece that tries to illustrate architecture art across a photographic point of view where main subjects
are already-built spaces. Sometimes in an abstract way. Sometimes surreal.

As an added bonus, here’s a short compositing breakdown to show how it was rendered.

Well done! Meatspace has now become a vestigial appendage of the Universe!

via The Fish

Just in case you’ve just run straight to this site from a year-long cryogenic freeze (wobbly, I imagine, from atrophied muscles), a young Nigerian man tried to light up a passenger jet on Christmas. Fortunately he failed. Unfortunately so did the Transportation Safety Administration, who naturally has responded with brand-spankin’ new rules, with emphasis on the “spankin’”. This article is about those.

Let’s be clear. I’m a comedian. I know that makes me no security expert. It does mean, however, that I travel a SHITLOAD and none of these knee-jerk, fear-motivated, reactionary steps make me feel one iota safer. In fact, these measures ensure nothing more than increased discomfort, which gives me more time to think about why I should be afraid in the first place. The system failed and is now inadvertently punishing travelers for its mistake. Air travel is becoming the two most hated things in America: too uncomfortable AND too expensive. True, SOME people have no choice but to fly above the ground to get places, but many don’t have to. How do you think that’s going to affect the industry? My guess is that will bring down more planes than a Nigerian zealot (topical reference), but in the bankrupt-y way.

To speak out against the TSA could be construed “unAmerican,” (which I am certainly not) but I don’t want to feel like a fucking inmate every time I get on a plane, constantly reminded that someone may be on the plane trying to kill me as I sit cold and blanketless with nothing to do but stare at the seat in front of me. And that is EXACTLY where we’re headed. These rules only apply to inbound flights from foreign soil, but I’d bet that domestic implementation is just around the bend. I know the TSA has a shitty job. They do nothing and people complain. They do something and people complain. But surely even they must admit that these new rules are baffling at best.

CONFINEMENT TO A SEAT FOR THE LAST HOUR (WITH NOTHING IN YOUR LAP)
Has the last hour of a flight been designated as “Terror Time” at Jihad-con? If some fuckbag wants to blow up a plane, he’ll now do it in the first hour. Or a middle hour. Or he’ll still do it in the last hour. The only difference now is that everyone is afforded the opportunity of dying miserable. How is this rule even enforceable? How are you going to tell someone with special needs or even just someone who “has to go” they’re shit outta luck?

ONE CARRY-ON
So far none of the terror attacks have been aided by multiple carry-ons. They’ve involved shoes, things that could fit into one carry-on and things strapped to legs. The alternative is checking bags (with an added fee, I’m sure) that will get loaded into the plane with even less screening than a carry-on.

NO Wi-Fi
Even as a cynical asshole who ADORES the use of Wi-Fly, I have to admit that this at least makes SOME sense. Obviously you want to limit the number of DMs that Explodonauts can send and receive to their superiors in-flight.

NO LIVE TV PROGRAMMING
No, fuck that. I need to watch bumbly, greenly-lit meatheads “Oh fuck” their way through abandoned mental hospitals on “Ghost Hunters.” It distracts me from thinking about how much I hate flying.

The TSA is taking steps in every direction that have nothing to do with the attack. Farouk Abdulmutallab was on a terror watch list, had no baggage and paid for a ticket in cash. The only thing he didn’t do was actually carry a red flag onto the plane. Even if he WASN’T on a terror watch list, maybe pat him down for the other two reasons. How does disabling entertainment systems, forcing people to stay in their seats with nothing and bringing one carry-on help this? It doesn’t. The fact is that they need to keep psychotic turdstains from getting onto planes to begin with. Unfortunately, claiming to “beef up security” doesn’t sound like enough of a tangible thing, and the frightened public needs to feel like a thing is happening. Even if that thing is, in reality, useless.

“Well, what’s YOUR suggestion, you whiny dick?” I only got a couple of those on Twitter when I obnoxiously ranted about this a couple days ago. 98% of the responses I got were similarly outraged people. Those are astounding numbers. Much lower focus group stats can get something like “The Jeff Dunham Show” on the air. I’m no geenyus and I don’t claim to know much but I can make a few suggestions that I hope will spark your own ideas in the “Comments” section.

NO CASH FOR TRAVEL
Or at least, make cash-ticket purchasers go through a few extra steps to make them traceable. “Fuck you man! I’m trying to stay off the grid!!!” Too flippin’ bad. We live in a fully gridded society now. Money is dirtier than used toilet paper and smells like copper farts anyway.

MILLIMETER WAVE MACHINES
There are only about 40 MMWs in the US now, but they can scan a person to see what they’re concealing. Privacy groups hate it but his should only be a problem for you if you’re concealing something. Embarrassed about the butt plug you keep in at all times? Think of how embarrassing it’ll be when it blows out of you and through a your seat cushion.

UNIFORMED AIR MARSHALS ON EVERY FLIGHT
You know what I hate paying $20 extra for? Bringing a change of clothes on a trip. You know what I would HAPPILY pay $20 extra for? A uniformed air marshal on my plane. What? Does that feel “too military-state”? Fucking GREAT. A plane cop gives a much more effective appearance of security than not being able to get up to piss.

We all want to feel safe, but at what price? How soon before we can’t bring anything at all on a plane? Or use the lavatory? If the TSA wants to keep us REALLY safe, why not just have passengers fly nude while strapped to a board? Then the airlines could charge our balls as “excess baggage.”

The TSA works for you so don’t be afraid to share your criticism or support at TSA.Civilrights@dhs.gov. And please comment below! Constructive discourse is how positive change begins!

Huzzah! Transform and roll out! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Novelist Jack Torrance, whose mysterious death outside the infamous Overlook Hotel in 1980 sent shockwaves through the writer/caretaker community, apparently had been working on a book when he died. His surviving widow, Wendy Torrance-Thnettlebaum, whom neighbors describe as “shrill and blubbery,” was not available for whiny comment.

Available at blurb.com.

I took this yesterday at the Newport Aquarium in Northern Kentucky. Right before I snapped the photo, this Colorado River Toad pressed his hand against the glass. Couple that with the steely gaze…How could I NOT do this???

Star Trek LOLToads FTW.