I blurred the robot sexy bits out for you people who have day jobs and intolerant bosses. You're welcome!

IGN and Kotaku reported some exciting Fallout: New Vegas news this weekend! ROBOT CONGRESS WILL BE ALLUDED TO OR SOMETHING. It seems sex with robots is totally a go for the upcoming apocalypse (game). Here is what the ESRB says:

There is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot (e.g., “Fisto reporting for duty . . . Please assume the position,” “I suppose I should test you out . . . Servos active!” and “Something wrong with someone if they got to f**k a machine.”)

So…yeah. You can have sex with a robot named Fisto in the new Fallout game without his/her consent. Huh.

While I may not be down with the idea of robot rape, this news got me to thinking about electronically enhanced human-esque borg things I’d totally do the dirty with in a pinch.

1. Samuel T. Anders (callsign “Longshot”) from BSG

Cylon bed head rrrrrrroooowww

Need I specify the pre goo bath/oracle flying into the sun Anders? Well, I just did anyway.

2. Sonny (The robot from I, Robot)

Dude can do serious Chop Socky. I just wish he’d killed Shia LaBeouf before he could ruin the Transformers for me forever.

3. Annalee Call (Alien Resurrection)

Robot/alien sexual tension!

Winona Ryder’s least annoying role in the most controversial of Alien movies.

4. Marvin the Paranoid Android Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

In the film, Marvin was a big headed white pot bellied thing but in my dreams he’s Peter Saarsgard, amirite?

5. Sam Worthington as Marcus Wright in Terminator Salvation

While the movie was a punch in the gut to Terminator fans, Worthington’s character was a glimmer of hope in an otherwise shitty two plus hours of McG’s masturbatory poopfest.

6. Summer Glau as Cameron in The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Well, duh.

7. Buffybot

8. Harrison Ford as Rick Deckard in Blade Runner

Yes. Deckard is a replicant, 9/11 was an inside job, and Inception was ALL a dream. MOVING ON.

9. Jude Law as “Gigolo Joe” in AI

So pretty. So sad. So pretty. So sad. SPLOOGE.

10. Lor from Star Trek:TNG

Getting head joke goes here!

He’s like Data but without Spot the cat, boring morals, and the Sherlock Holmes obsession!

With whom would you make sweet sweet robot love (video game robots too obvs!) ? Tell me in the comments!

Miranda from Mass Effect 2. Yep. Soak it all in.

This post from Kotaku about Polish model Jessika F doing the above cosplay photo shoot made my brain sad and here’s why:

Deep Breath.

I AM HAVING A PROBLEM TYPE THINGY WITH THE LADIES DRESSING IN THE SEXY COSTUMES AND CALLING IT NERDY. A SERIOUS THINGY.

I am not a prude nor am I a knee jerk something something. I like looking at beautiful people dressed in the awesome finery of my favorite video game/comic book/movie characters. But I also like looking at regular folks dressed up. Like these fine people:

Starbuck! The first one! I like them both!

Jayne Riker Jedi! The best hybrid ever designed.

Lady or Dude Naughty Bear? DOES IT MATTER?

Images Via

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you feel) the cosplay pics that get the most attention are always of the boobs n’ buns variety. Blerg. Where is the slide show of Venture Bros and Dr. Girlfriends? How about a pictorial of Kim Pines and Ramona Flowers(es)? Why is it always always always the Sexy Girls of Comic Con™ who steal the spotlight? I mean, I’m not stupid. I know why. I live in America – the land of boobs and butts and guns and poop jokes - of the freeeee.

Listen, I like sexy things. I don’t believe boobs or butts are shameful or “slutty” (a truly useless word at this point in our society in my opinion) or that a woman who chooses to express her sexuality through cosplay (or vice versa) is a lesser human being. I just feel a bit…marginalized, I guess. And maybe betrayed by my fellow nerds. I guess I had this dumb fantasy we were all in a super secret club where we had gotten past boobs and butts and poop jokes (of the freee) and maybe drank some gin drinks while we talked about how Heinlein is the “funny” kind of misogyny. And then we would all make out. Because being smart and interesting is sexy. Being good looking is sexy too but it’s nothing without some good old fashioned shared geeky bits. At least, that’s how it is in my Super Secret Awesome Gin and Heinlein Club.*

So how do you all feel about the booby direction cosplay seems to be taking? Do you think there’s a chance a chubby Black Widow could outpace a harem of Slave Leias in terms of page views anytime soon? I AM ASKING FOR A FRIEND HERE. ANYWAY. Tell me your feelings please in the comments.

*now accepting robots!

I'm gonna go get the papers, get the papers.

Guess what I did this past weekend? Guess! I ate fridge sandwiches, drank cold beer, and moved one step closer to becoming a made man! I know! I think I’m awesome too! I also watched the Bioshock Infinite trailer over and over again (it’s Bioshock across the sky! All the way across the sky!) but that is not what this post is about, is it Kiala? Jeebus Eff Joss, you’re always rambling on about something or other, aren’t you? Why can’t you stick with one topic and oooh what is that shiny thing over there? Why, it appears to be the Mafia II Demo and it is really pretty fun! And with that, I’ve brought us back round to the subject at hand. Who needs a nap?

It’s been three years since the announcement of a sequel to Mafia:The City of Lost Heaven and eight years since the debut of the original game. EIGHT YEARS. Did we even have video games eight years ago? How did we play them on our flicker o’ matics? How many candles did it take to create a cut scene? Were the ladies allowed to play them in the same room as the gentlemen? DID THEIR PERIODS AFFECT A MAN’S ABILITY TO LEVEL UP? Anyway, eight years seems to have done the game a world of good. I didn’t really enjoy the first Mafia but you guys already know how I feel about sandbox games with little to no storyline and too much riding/driving around a (no matter how awesome) landscape.

Let’s keep in mind I’m only reviewing the demo here so I have very little actual gameplay to go on. The plot is summed up nicely on Wikipedia but the short version is you play as Vito, a young WWII vet who enlisted only to get out of jail and is now back in Empire City ready to work for the Family. The demo starts you out in Vito’s house with a phone call from uh…poop. Joey I think? I dunno. It was either Joe or Henry Tomasino who, along with Vito, comprise the gang you’ll be organized crime-ing it up with. Next thing you know, Vito is driving an old timey cadillac through the streets of Empire Bay, looking for a warehouse filled with gangsters. There’s a plot point here about the Fat Man who I think was a character in the first game but again EIGHT YEARS IT HAS BEEN. Crap. I’ve turned into Yoda. Anyway, there is a lot of really fun pew pew pew but you get to crazy taxi your way around the city, too, if that’s what you’re jonesing for in this follow up.

Let’s cut to the chase (PUN INTENDED) and sort the goodfellas from the rat packs with a totally arbitrary ratings system I just made up, shall we?

Good: The post WWII/early 1950′s world is totally immersive with great dialogue (“you shot my balls off” is a direct quote) and my good goodness is Vito ever handsome. I mean like ACTUALLY handsome. Like…I want to do it with my own computer designed character. Thank you technology! Vito is going into my rub hub. 10 out of 10 Sinatras

Bad: The controls are a wee bit wonky. While I love the new stealth features and the automatic aim and shoot, I kept getting stuck in FPS POV for some reason and this is a third person game. I was like…floating in space for a few seconds while guys with names like Freddy Two Shoes shot the hell out of me. Annoying. 6 out of 10 Mia Farrows

Good: The guns. They are so full of ammo. SO FULL OF AMMO. I hate looking for ammo. 9 out of 10 Buddy Hollys

Bad: Mmmmm…not much else. Fuck. I really liked this game. 10 out 10 Scorceses

The military has finally released their new tech and soldiers with Aimbot will pwn!

P.S. If you haven’t checked out all of FreddieW‘s videos you’re depriving your brain of awesomeness.

Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

Hydrothunder: Hurricane came out last week as part of the XBox Live Summer of Arcade series and you guys – I seriously lost my shit about it. It’s been over ten years since a wee tow-headed Kiala toddled her way into an arcade, shoved a sticky dollar bill into the token machine, and clambered up a stack of phone books to use her booster and let me tell you something friends: there never was and never will be anything so exciting as racing a futuristic speedboat through the Halls of Valhalla while Norse fishing boats curse at you to “GET OFF” and a gigantic wooden Thor attempts to hit you with his axe. Nothing.

As far as I can tell, not much has changed in the new Hydrothunder and while this might bother some (I’m looking at you St Louis Today) I’m perfectly content with Hydrothunder behaving the way Hydrothunder should. I suppose, in light of ever advancing technology, the graphics and stuff could be technology-er. Like, maybe the game could be in 3D and on Mars. In the canals. And then the boats could revolt against their human slave masters and form a new governing race of space canal dwelling speed vessels who feed off human fear and adrenaline. (Actually, I’d totally play that game and it would be called Final Fantasy 97: HYDROTERROR. ) Anyway my point is Hydrothunder was just about perfect to begin with – blowing other nineties era racing games like Crazy Taxi and Alpine Racer (wait for it) out of the water. Sorry.

What has changed about the game is negligible and super fun: new courses like the aforementioned Norse Myth-y Asgard, Tsunami Bowl (which has this sweet Korean race announcer lady who gets very excited any time you hit a Boost bubble or one of those shiny spinning things or make a particularly good ramp jump), and Monster Island (GRIPE ALERT: NOT ENOUGH MONSTERS). There are gauntlet games with exploding barrels to trip you up and ringmaster challenges where you race through uh…rings and of course there are multiplayer modes (for up to eight online players and four single system players) which are enticing even to me, an avid lone wolf gamer. I guess racing games bring out the competitor in me. They also bring out the addict in me as I spent the last five days doing little else besides speeding my way through endless fantasy waterways cursing at walls and buoys and other boats and generally behaving exactly as I did ten years ago -minus the phone books*. I’m still pretty sticky though. What? I like jam.

*Okay I was a full grown adult ten years ago. LET ME HAVE MY LITTLE FANTASIES PLEASE.

All Hydrothunder tweets all the time over here

I may be 24, but I still love Pokemon. I find this adorable. I’d say yes should a girl gave it to me, if we lived in a universe where it’s ok for women to ask men out on dates.

I have a feeling people will have split opinions on this smooth, dating tactic.

(via Kotaku)

Gotta Catch’em All. All of my tweets.

Felicia Day's gonna kill some Geth. No big deal.

Image Via Felicia Day

When faced with the insane crowds at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, I did what any professional journalist would do – I ran back to my hotel room and watched Prince of Persia while sipping soothing champagne from the mini bar. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the evening social parts of SDCC (seeing Hammer Improv live, hanging out with the Guildies, being on a panel of wicked smart lady nerds, meeting John Oliver from The Daily Show and making him laugh OMG) but the Con itself was more than overwhelming-it was panicattackwhelming. A nine out of ten VERY NECESSARY AND PRESCRIBED Klonopins, is what I’m saying.

Thursday was relatively calm and I was able to attend some panels, hang out at the Axe Cop booth, drool over everything at Oni Press and Dark Horse, and stare longingly at the TRON light cycle. But Friday was a NIGHTMARE. While waiting in line for the BONES panel news starting circling on the Twitters of the now infamous Harry Potter Anti Squatter Eye Stabbing . [UPDATE: Actually, the eye stabbing happened on Saturday while I was in line at Starbucks. YOU SEE HOW CONFUSING COMIC CON IS?] Soon after that bit of excitement/horror we were informed there was no way in hell any of us were getting in to see BONES. I cried a little on my press pass then wiped my nose with my pro pass. Yes, that’s right. I had both kinds of fancy passes which were were clearly useless. At that point, I gave up and went searching for a mojito while mumbling “I wanted to be queen of the lab harrumph.”

On Saturday, I hovered around the DC Universe booth for awhile but the fifteen year old dudes bogart-ing the machines would not let me in and anyway they all smelled like B.O. and Red Bull. I did get to play the new TRON: Evolution work-in-progress game (coming out in November) and it is FUN you guys – light cycles and future jai alai amped up to MCP levels of bad assness. So at the very least I did get to do one token gaming thing.

I’ve covered cons in the past – WonderCon, Azkatraz, etc… but this was just too complicated for me. There were limited edition prints and variants to be had but the trick was you had to enter a raffle, win a wristband, and then wait in line to maybe, MAYBE buy them. Even the line at Starbucks was a gamble as to whether you’d ever really get your drink. In my opinion, Wonder Con, PAX, and Emerald City Con are better bets for the more er…sensitive of us: the delicate snowflakes who can’t handle the lines, noise, and madness of Comic Con. And please don’t think I wasn’t thrilled to be a part of SDCC because I really was incredibly excited to meet so many amazing people – just maybe not while surrounded by 10,000 screaming kids dressed as Avatar: The Last Airbender.

I guess what I’d like to know is were any of you at SDCC 2010 and did you feel like it was more crazy than years past? Or the same? Or am I just being a big baby who needed to nut up (if I had nuts which I don’t because you had to enter a raffle to get a wristband to wait in a line for…oh never mind). Thoughts please.

Tweetsies!

My direwolf would give +1 snuggles

You know how sometimes when you’re out on The Wall with The Night’s Watch because Winter is Coming (ta da!) and you sense an Other and you’re all, “Shit! I am the horn that wakes the sleepers! That’s me!” So you like, blow your horn or whatever and save the crap out of Winterfell? Right??? I mean, who hasn’t been there? Hello? Is this Internet even on?

Fine. Maybe that’s just my nerd fantasy but with the announcement of Cyanide Studios’ video game adaptation of George RR Martin’s Song of Ice and Fire series I am now one step closer to possessing my very own virtual direwolf (I’m gonna name mine Princess Stabbyclaws!!!) and poking a Lannister with Needle.

From the press release posted on the Cyanide website, it appears players will get to choose to play as one of the Westeros Family characters (JON SNOW OMG JON SNOW) and while swordplay looks to be a factor, political intrigue gets a nod as well:

“The innovative game mechanics provide players with numerous paths to success: will you opt for a military, economic or diplomatic approach? Trickery, treachery and deceit are widespread and you will constantly have to watch your back if you want to avoid a bitter defeat!

Peacefully or forcefully annex surrounding territories, besiege enemy castles, send spies to infiltrate behind enemy lines, assassinate trouble-making officers or capture them to ask for a ransom… When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground!”

As a Game of Thrones fan, I want to be excited about the game. I even considered ordering this from Amazon the other day but then remembered I have trouble sitting through a two hour movie, let alone a twelve hour long epic fantasy board game. My anticipation for the video game, however, is tempered by a hunch that it will be an overlong series of cut scenes and complicated, wordy dialogue trees. Considering the length and breadth of Martin’s winter-y opus (not to mention the overwhelming number of characters) I can’t imagine how this game could be anything other than 98% talking and 2% action. Still, the game’s not out yet so neither should the verdict be. And not everyone dislikes cut scenes as much as I do. Some people live for that. I’m only saying that personally, I’m going to hedge my bets and wait for more info before I send out the e-vites to my Red Wedding themed release date party*.

*God, I am a sad, sad nerd.

But with explosions!

I fuggin WISH.

Nah, but I did see Predators this weekend and while it was everything I’d ever dreamed of in another movie about predators, it got me to thinking about action flicks and video games and how they pair perfectly like peanut butter and more delicious peanut butter and about how maybe I am a little tired of peanut butter. Maybe I would like a marmalade and cheese sandwich. Maybe I would like to change and grow as a human being. MAYBE I WOULD LIKE A VIDEO GAME NOT ABOUT SHOOTING ALIENS JUST ONCE AND ALSO PEANUT BUTTER IS FATTENING AND I WOULD LIKE TO WEAR SHORTS IN PUBLIC THIS SUMMER.

Anyway, I made a list of tv shows/movies (Anchorman!) I would like to see made into video games and why. You’re welcome.

1. 500 Days of Summer

You could (figuratively) shoot Zooey Deschanel’s character in the face! But not in a mean, illegal, horrifying way! Just in a “stop pretending you’re anything other than a bad Patsy Cline tribute artist it is embarrassing” kind of way! Shoot the manic pixie dream girl* and win the heart of Jo Go Lev! Sigh.

2. Say Anything

I picture this as an open world RPG like Fall Out 3 but with Three Dawg playing the Singles soundtrack over and over again. I figure you could play as Diane Court OR as Lloyd Dobler. Playing as Diane would mean a lot of puzzle games and solving the mystery of your Dad’s questionable business tactics and playing Lloyd would include kickboxing, key mastery, and collecting pens for health points. Yeah, I’d probably play as Lloyd too.

3. Step Brothers

Use the cheat code to place your balls on your brother’s drum set!!!

4. Anchorman

Staying classy while you fight Wes Mantooth and the Evening News Team at various popular San Diego landmarks would be pretty awesome and I would totally want to play as Veronica Corningstone even though my menstrual blood would attract bears. However, for every bear killed I’d level up so WHO IS THE BIG DEAL NOW HUH? (me).

5. Gattaca

One word: Gattacaction™. I’ll let you decide for yourselves what that means. (I think it means explosive wheelchairs and DNA grenades but I’m open to other ideas.)

6. Firefly

WHEDON SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!

7. The Room

I’m actually afraid to see this movie even though I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I must see it to understand the horribleness of Tommy Wiseau but really why would I when I could just play the XBox version?

8. Law and Order:SVU

OMG you could be Stabler or Benson or Munch or Ice T! Interrogations! Lineups! Pedophiles! Stabler in that entire denim outfit he always wears during casual stakeouts! Why is his butt so big? I WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME NOW!

9. Archer

No, YOU’RE a video game, mother!

10. True Blood

Hooker, I don’t even want to have a discussion about this. You know a True Blood game would be AMAZING. Werewolves, vampires, high school football players, a blonde girl with superpowers and I – wait..Buffy…never mind.

So, what television/film entertainment would you guys like to play on your Xstationboxpcpads? TELL ME.

*Please no one shoot anyone ever, thank you.

Take a minute to nerd out with fire and video games!