Where will you be when diarrhea strikes?

Congratulations, RYAN T!!! You win your very own t-shirt from the skillful design nerds at Wire & Twine!

And thanks to all who entered! This was an amazing turnout of terrific stuff. (Though many of you apparently really wanted me to have sex with this unsuspecting creature.) We had over 470 entries so it took me a little while to go through them all. Thanks for your patience!

Other entries of note

GARY LARSON AWARD:

BLD
Okay, remember, you’re the wing man. Whatever I say you back me up or so help me god, Gary, I’ll tell your boss you used the company credit card to buy all those escorts at the leadership conference.

META AWARD:

Jonathan
Hold still, I just got an idea for a caption contest.

NON-SEQUITUR AWARD:

Sarah Clark
Bananas are good.

SELF-REFERENTIAL AWARD:

Keith
Matt likes the Dave Matthews Band

DOCTOR WHO AWARD:

Cassi Costoulas
P.P.P.S. Blink and you’re dead. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t Blink. Good Luck.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Jason
Pictured: Chris Hardwick (right) and Llama (left)

Jim
Nerdist’s performance rider is VERY specific.

Jason
Is this real life?

anonymouse
Chris: “Don’t worry, my pole can handle everything”
Llama: llama,llama?
Chris: “Stop asking and do everything I say”
Llama: LLAMA! LLAMA!

Big517
Wipe that stupid smirk off your face!

Joe F.
“Now, just try and act natural when I introduce you to my parents. They…don’t exactly…APPROVE of our…”lifestyle choices…”

montyburnz
Chris going over the ground rules to ensure a silky smooth “Bring your Familiar To Work Day.”

Howard
Chris Hardwick stars in: TURNER AND HOOCH 2: ALPACKIN’ HEAT

DFLamont
“Yo’ llama so fat, when she grazes the upper slopes of the Andes, SHE GRAZES THE UPPER SLOPES OF THE ANDES”

Dave
Don’t worry no one can tell it’s a toupee.

rexraver
*in a golf announcer voice*
Announcer 1 – “Looks like he will be going with the number 3 alpaca on this one Jim…..”
Announcer 2 – “Quite right Steve. You can see in his eyes he has already sunk this one in his mind. “

Marie
i went to mexico and all i got was this lousy alpaca…and hepatitis c

dalton
(sppsppsspss)pretend im whispering something in your ear, (ssppsspsppsp) i want to make the lemur paranoid

Steve
Am I standing in your shit or mine?

frank lloyd wrong
“I’ve never told anyone this, but Haislip smells like pickles.”

Scott
Come with me if you want to live… on a nice farm upstate.

Hawt
*nibble*

Drew
“Burn it down, burn it all to the ground!”

Kara
“That guy over there said you all look the same.”

doogan
“you ever seen a grown man naked?”
RIP peter graves

Pat
The safe word is Pancake

Parker
“Alright, now just focus on what we talked about and remember they can only shear your fur, never your inner beauty.”

Thanks all! I heart you plenty!!!

Did YOU whisper secrets to an alpaca today? No?
Then vicariously live through ME.

I thought this would make the perfect pic for the next photo caption contest. Submit your entries in the “Comments” section below. The deadline is Sunday, March 21st at midnight PST.

First prize is a pick-whichever-tshirt-you-like from the awesome design nerds at Wire & Twine (pending availability, naturally).

Now caption awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

THE WINNER

PicklePumpers

“How many times do I have to tell you kids! Heisenberg’s uncertainty
principle does NOT negate the possibility of two mutually exclusive
outcomes from co-existing simultaneously!”

…and, of course, there were several worth mentioning…

BEST USE OF TECH
Edward Salazar
“This thing doesn’t even have Wifi!!!”

BEST USE OF “BABY POOP”
Jen
“I thought I was clear: ‘Do not let the skinny loud one hold me.’
Perhaps you require a reminder via Pampers Mail?”

BEST (AND FIRST) KANYE REFERENCE
Steven Mullenax
“Yo Phirm, I’m really happy for you…I’m gonna let you finish, but
Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time…of all time.”

BEST “WHY STOP AT A ‘CAPTION’” CAPTION
Jess Colcord
Chris -”Oh my God! He just shat through his clothes! How is that even
possible? What, is he wearing sheer diapers, or something? Where are
you going?”
Mike (laughing) -”Awe, man. Chris…we’re out of diapers.”
Chris – “What?!”
Mike – “Yea. I totally spaced it. Look, I’ll just run to the store
real quick and-”
Chris -”You mean I have to sit here like this until you get back?!? WTF, man?”

BEST SHORT, VAGUE, AND NEARLY MEANINGLESS
tscharf
awww… C’MON!!!

BEST “MY SON IS THE MESSIAH” GAG
Richard Middlen
Prima Donna and Child

BEST HARDWICK-RELATED INSIDE JOKE
Cassie
Milo would never mention ‘cow with udders’ again.

And all entries that tried to capture the raw emotion by starting off
with “What??”

-Phirm

———-

Welp, thanks for judging this contest, Mr. Phirman. I received over 500 entries (a new record) and much baby fun was had by all! The Nerdist appreciates the temporary donation of Milo’s captured soul and we now relinquish our grasp on it.

My best friend Mike Phirman has co-produced the above-referenced human, Milo. While taking a picture with tiny Milo, Mike said, “Pretend you’ve gone back in time and you’re trying to convince me to join Hard ‘n Phirm.” For some reason I went with an argumentative approach. In my opinion, the bit still works because as Phirm says about the infant, “He’s the perfect straight-man.”

Surely you nerds can come up with a more suitable caption about whatever you think is going on here, so drop it in the “Comments” section! First prize will be selected by Mr. Phirman himself and will be awarded a $50 gift card to the 2-dimensional jukebox known as “iTunes.” Deadline for entries is Monday night at midnight PT. Remember, though, this is Mike’s favorite baby in the whole world so anything too offensive will be plucked out like a greasy nose hair.

Caption away!

Two weeks ago, in the midst of a Harry Potter nerd session I said to a friend of mine, “McGonagall’s p**sy so hairy HAGRID wu’ent gamekeep it” and thus “Hogwart’s SNAPS” was born. Naturally, I slapped it onto Twitter not really thinking it would get much more than a “wah-WAH.” Instead, other H-Snaps began to slowly trickle in, so in a spontaneous moment of excitement and nerdiness I threw down the Hogwarts SNAPS challenge, with first prize being a $50 iTunes gift card.

What I further hadn’t expected was that my Tweet-test would generate nearly 400 entires. Needlesstosay (a fun mega-word), it took me a while to put everything together and for that, I apologize. If you still care, I have finally posted the winner:

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

Congratulations to R_Silent! It is important to note that there was a lot of cross-over with the entries. There were a couple other food patroni (I took Latin) but this one was the first of its kind I saw. It made me laugh out loud then, and it has been the one that has stayed with me the last couple weeks when I describe the contest to people who don’t know about it. The sheer simplicity of a free-floating, wispy silver piece of cake is fantastic.

Below are some notable Honorable Mentions. They make my brain happy. For those of you with disposable amounts of time, you can see the COMPLETE list of every single entry here. But be WARNED kids! Some of these are filthy!

JanetVarney: Yo momma so fat the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses

chris8675309: Your momma so fat, she looked in the mirror of Erised and saw a ham

PeterVRules: Your momma’s so old she gave Nicholas Flamel his first handjob

chris8675309: Yo mamma so nasty, the order of the phoenix was “stay away from that bitch”

chris8675309: Yo mamma so stupid, she thinks Sirius Black is the soul station on satellite radio

sarazafar: Yo mama so fat she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge

dino_rider: Yo mama’s so ugly the Dementor’s Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.

reppocs: Yo momma so black, she’d probably get sorted in to Ravenclaw and would be a minor character at best

bradheintz: Yo mama so nasty, Dobby wouldn’t take her sock

Burnaway: Yo momma so skanky, even her patronus got knocked up

chompychomp: Yo mama so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve

Dick_M: yo momma so dumb she thought that she could talk to snakes if she put parsley on her tongue

dtejano: Yo mama’s so masculine, she makes Dumbledore go, “DAAAYYYUMM!”

habcous: yo mamma so nasty, every pair of her panties has the Dark Mark

HakSolo: your mom is so fat if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill

finnigan37: Your mama’s so nasty she got naked and turned @The_Real_Shaq into @The_Shrieking_Shack

dantelfer: Yo mamma so fat, she has to enchant her panties into a portkey to get out of a chair

dantelfer: Yo mamma’s cooch is so nasty it has its own house elf

dirk_funk: Yo mama so fat it takes two boggarts to shape-shift into her

Kingdaddy1773: Your family is so poor you have to bus in from Narnia every morning

MarioEGarcia: yo mama so poor she went to Honeydukes and put a chocolate frog on layaway

melgotserved: Yo momma’s so fat she got stuck in the Floo Network

melgotserved: Yo momma’s so fat her wand is a Slim Jim

MikeDrucker: Yo’ Momma so fat she joined the Death Eaters ’cause she was hungry

MikeDrucker: After she’s done being skanky, yo’ momma hides her tramp stamp by saying “Mischief Managed”

MsJG: Yo Momma’s so fugly that even Voldemort won’t speak her name

nicofopolous: Yo Momma’s so muggles she gave my hog warts

nthornton: Your momma’s ass is so saggy, she’s being sued for copyright infringement by Neville Longbottom

paulscheer: Yo Mamma is so fat that even the Dementors can’t suck out her soul in one sitting

phirm: Mama so nasty, everybody call her “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Naked”

phirm: Yo mama so fat you couldn’t find her pu**y with the Room of Requirement

PinheadX: Yo mamma coochie so hairy it look like she ridin’ a Nimbus 2000 backwards

TheonetrueCams: your mum’s P#$$y is like the Slytherin common room, it smells foul and its always full of snakes

TheonetrueCams: Yo Mum is just like a Dementor, always looking for some “Serious” Black

Taborifica: Yo momma so fat even her Quidditch robes have stretch marks

randbot: yo mama so fat, when your parents have sex yo daddy gotta cast “accio vagina”

Thanks to everyone who participated! You’re all huge nerds and for that, I love you. Again, for the complete list of submissions you may go here.

First of all, I love you guys. A LOT. There were 225 entries for this contest, which marks a 400% growth from the first one. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through each and every entry and I look foward to many more of these in the future. I got a lotta tech toys to give away, so why shouldn’t YOUR hands be clasping some shiny new electronic object while you jump for joy near your mailbox? I hope you all keep playing…the contests will change up from time to time to attempt to tap your various talents.

And now to announce the WINNER of a brand new still-in-the-box iP47 Bluetooth iPod/iPhone Dock…

CONGRATULATIONS….

kerry

Well done, kerry!!! I loved this because it was conceptual yet simple. And it made me laugh out loud. That also helped.

This, however, was not the only one that made me laugh out loud. I’ve decided to award two runner-up Nerdists with $20 iTunes gift cards each.

M Butler: Prawn to E5

Max A: “So’s your face.”

The former was an excellent use of both a lobster and a chess reference and the latter just cracked me up. Clearly, I’m a 7th grader. I will email all three of you with info about your prizes! Sweet business!!!

Of course, this wouldn’t be any fun without a series of non-tangible-prize-getting Honorable Mention Awards, so here goes:

POLITICAL SATIRE AWARD
freality:
Shaking his head in disbelief while sighing the words “holy f*ck” under his breath, Barack Obama snaps one final photo of the Bush administration’s “Iraq War Strategery Table” before dismantling.

FILM GEEK REFERENCE AWARD
lawei
Lobster 1: No! where’d you get that steel? Isn’t that Bud’s Hattori Hanzo?!
Lobster 2: (smirk) Not anymore, and you are going to see him right now!

AOTS REFERENCE AWARD
Doc
Lobster 1: “Look at it this way, at least you’ll end up in Olivia Munn’s mouth first…”
Lobster 2: “In that case, make it quick.”

CHESS CLUB AWARD
Andy
“Yes I CAN take the move back… my claw was still touching the piece.”

NARRATIVE AWARD
LUDAchris469
“You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with fricken’ laser beams strapped to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?”

“Lobsters.”

“Right….”

“They’re chess playing lobsters.”

“Are they ill tempered?”

“Absolutely.”

“Oh well, that’s a start.”

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS AWARD FOR SKEWED PERSPECTIVE
Silent
another good reason why lobsters should only play checkers

CROSS-PROMOTION AWARD
Rich
NOT NEWS: Fight over chess game.
NEWS: They’re lobsters.
FARK: They’re both left-handed!

CARTESIAN MEDITATION AWARD
Eric Haines
“Time, silverware and chess are all irrelevant to us as lobsters. The question is: how did we get onto the table?”

ALTERNATIVE COMEDY META AWARD
Skipping Beats
There is actually an incredibly moving back story to this image that involves lust, broken mentality, and the ties of friendship….but that would be too hard to write about, so instead I am just going to reference pop culture!
Lobster 1 – “Movie quote, verb, Movie quote”
Lobster 2 – “Pun about chess and/or lobsters”

THE WHAAA? AWARD
Victor Morales
LOBSTERS
If they had knives
They would play chess.
(motivational)

THE “FAR SIDE” CAPTION AWARD
spiritkittykat
In the final moments of the game, Barnaby and Finneaus realized there were no winners. The pieces were swept aside, the knives were clasped in their claws and the fight was on!

BOOKWORM AWARD
KateMcSweeney
Lobster 1: One false move Homarus and I will pierce you to the Cephalothorax!
Lobster 2: You best make haste Telson! I have a foil of my own, and we shall see who has the upper Cheliped!

TIMELY REFERENCE AWARD
Calebino
To Save Some Pride, They killed Themselves Before Kirstie Alley Could.

EXTRA CREDIT AWARD
Tony D
http://img.imgcake.com/217_14688.jpg

TOO LATE AWARD
Kate Lister
I know it’s too late but: Prawns look on as Pawns get Rooked

SPORTS AWARD
Felix
Lobster chess has fared only slightly better than the WNBA in ratings.

BENNY HILL AWARD IN THE AREA OF PUN ACHIEVEMENT
David Crain
“There’s no use crying over spilt….milt!

…and an award many of us can particularly relate to…
SELF-FLAGELLATION AWARD
Michael LaMere
“If he pulls a knife, you pull a….well a knife I guess”

“Hey crapbag you forgot the black pieces, looks like we have to settle this with knives or a dance off like in that Michael Jackson video.”

“Who put a mirror on the other side of this chess board.?”

P.S. These are all dumb, but I wanted to put my two cents in at least.

Michael

———————————————————————————

Once again I thank you all for your time and salute your creativity. You guys are “the mutt’s nuts” as they say in Britannia.

As an added bonus, here was the outcome of the lobster fight. You’ll notice the one lobster is very classy because he’s eating lobster.

Greetings, Gentle Nerdists! The first photo caption contest was so much durn fun that I felt it was time for another one. This photo was taken by me on the set of “Attack of the Show” and it yearns for your hilarious caption. First prize has been generously donated by the spectacular humans at iHome Audio.

The iP47BR is an iPhone/iPod clock radio dock that turns your iPhone into a speakerphone with Bluetooth connectivity and a retractable keypad! It retails for $179. Daaaaaaamn skippy!

Submit your captions in the comment thread, but do it soon! The cut-off for submissions is Friday, 1/16 @ 11:59pm PST. The winner will be announced the following Monday. Happy captioning!

And the "7th Grade Filth" Prize goes to Moxie for:

Slow and steady is the only way to pull off the squirrel shocker

Winners, email me to collect your prize. And we are on the honor system here, class, so don’t pretend to be someone you are not just for a giftcard. That kind of karma will cause your ass tissue to bleed out.

Stay tuned for more Nerdist contests. I consider this one to be a smashing success, and I look forward to drawing from the vein of creativity that is The Nerdist Colony! In the meantime, here are a handful of honorable mentions, though I do urge you to go through and read all of them…

Alright, Nerdlings…This is the first of hopefully many contests aboard the SS Nerdist. Load up the comment thread with your best captions for this pic. The winner will receive a $50 iTunes gift card. Captions must be submitted by Friday, 8/22 and the winner will be announced on Monday, 8/25.