The Weird and Wonderful Rules of Anime Science
By Kyle Hill on July 19, 2014
In most of our favorite stories, science is optional. Sure, there might be dire wolves in Game of Thrones, but they don’t look like the real-world canids. There might be genetics in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, but there are much more realistic ways to make a super-intelligent chimp. Unless the story really hinges upon some scientific concept, it’s easier to just let the laws of the universe aid the storytelling. Anime and manga are an odd exception here—they have surprisingly unified rules of bizarre science.
I’m sure you probably know a few of your favorite examples, but thanks to the wonders of the Internet, two handy sources have already collected hundreds of these oddities for you. Here are just a few of my favorites pulled from Uncyclopedia and The University of Utah (with my additions are in italics).
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity. (A constant force on an object will accelerate that object. Force=mass*acceleration.)
Long capes are the only things subject to wind. Unless they are not.
If a character does something slightly interesting, they are instantly teleported to a dimension of epilepsy-inducing backgrounds.
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way. (In space, when there aren’t enough air molecules to transmit a pressure wave, no one can hear you scream.)
The amount of energy exerted while jumping has absolutely nothing to do with how long one remains in the air or how many times you can kick someone before coming back down.
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science. (Pacific Rim gets this right—big robots need to move slowly lest the pilot is turned into pulp inside.)
Everything explodes. Everything. Anything that explodes bulges first.
All female anime characters have an extra-dimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called “Malletspace”. (All video game characters also has access to this dimension.)
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the length of the name of the attack and the volume at which the name of the attack is announced.
Time stops for the hero whenever he does something “cool” or “impressive.” Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight. (This would be true is any of them were moving at light-speed.)
Medical professionals insist that the hero continues to rest even though he’s perfectly fine and can start getting injured again immediately.
Blood pressure rises exponentially when you are cut. (Actually the opposite. Some evolutionary biologists think that blood pressure will often drop at the sight of blood—causing some people to faint—just in case that blood is our own and we need to mitigate the flow.)
A killing blow will always spray more blood than the human body contains.
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds. (Some creatures can create light with their fatal attacks!)
Hair-care products do not exist. The chemicals in products we use are already present in anime-dimension hair, allowing the cast to sculpt their hair in bizarre ways and then remain that way for several years without having to wash their hair.
Hair has a unique property, where it becomes translucent when placed in front of the eyes or eyebrows. This is due to a special chemical, which is less prominent in more timid or emotional characters. (Maybe anime adapted the gene in polar bears that give them translucent hair that helps to retain heat.)
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
Eyes are necessarily larger than open mouths and five times as large as noses. (Case in point.)
People may stretch their mouths past their faces into a two-dimensional space that has no real existence.
After exiting the body, blood becomes lighter than air. (Blood is thicker than water.)
Antagonist’s eyes can glow in dark in evil colors such as red, yellow, green, or black. In the anime-dimension, when ocular vein hemorrhages occur, particles in their blood react with pure evil to make multi-colored glowing substances.
The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: be female, possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation, and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
Eyes contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head.
When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-Elevenz.
The amount of blood in the average human’s body is between 13 and 25 gallons. (We actually carry less than two.)
All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food.
Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area.
Have some of your favorite rules that I missed? Kamehameha them into the comments below.
IMAGE: Mobile Suit Gundam AGE