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ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK Recap: That’s So… Lorna?!

Holy… wow. OK. Alright. This — this was a perma-cringe, second-hand humiliation episode to the max — and not because so many of the inmates were unaware that ladies have three holes down there. No, no: Orange is the New Black flipped the script on everything we thought we knew about Lorna Morello in a frightening and totally crazy sorta way. It was like watching a terrifying tale unfold slowly, without knowing that, the whole time, the damn thing was a horror film.

Last season, Lorna’s relationship with her fiancé Christopher was the only thing seemingly keeping this straight-and-narrow-arrow together. Wedding planning, dreaming happily ever after dreams, obsessing over details: you know, fairly normal (if totally annoying) bridal behavior. But Christopher never did come to visit and last week’s episode clued us into the fact that he’d moved on and gotten engaged, leaving Lorna more than a little verklempt. Only problem with this narrative? Just the fact that it was never real at all: Lorna made it all up, revealing herself to be a Grade-A stalker of the highest order.

This episode was particularly well-executed in that regard. Lorna’s backstory reveal came in slowly unwinding parts as she fell deeper and deeper into her own unhinged despair. It was always sort of strange that her husband-to-be, Christopher, would never visit her in prison. But to find out it was a delusion based off of one meet-cute coffee date? Whoa. The backwards way in which her treachery was woven into the story — oh mail fraud was merely the smallest of her problems — made each and every step forward one filled with dread. Honestly, it’s amazing she has the job of driving the prison van at all. That wedding veil-topped bath was extreme. Her ability to get away with it thanks to a bit of disarming charm and a seemingly plausible lie? Terrifying.

We should mention, though: it’s not just Lorna who’s proven herself adept at deception and disarmament. Vee has weaseled her way into Taystee’s psyche — turning her genuine love and care for Poussey into something she should feel shame over. All because of a little kiss-turned-snuggle. It’s no secret that Poussey’s feelings for her friend Taystee run deeper than platonic, but the duo handle it in their way. Sure, Poussey’s kiss wasn’t exactly welcome when it up and surprised Taystee, but she truly cares about her friend so she handled it with grace. Vee, seeing this snuggle sesh, took the opportunity to drive a wedge between the other ruling force in Taystee’s life — Don’t be “gay for the stay” you don’t want people talking about that — and ensure that her control over Taystee and the rest of the girls stays firmly in tact. Ugh, Vee: you are manipulative and terrible!

Manipulation was on the menu for most of the ladies during this episode, though. Cue: Piper The Terrible, our leading lady of selfish life decisions attempted to pimp off Soso’s sexual goodtimes for a blanket of Miss Claudette’s Big Boo had stolen. Have no fear, lest you were worried: Piper not-at-all learning is still a thing. Because, as Big Boo said, she’s sort of a horrible person!

The Soso sexcapade was born out of a competition between Nicky and Big Boo to be crowned the leading lady pleasure of Litchfield. See, after Boo found Nicky’s sex book — but don’t call it a progression of her addiction. “I collect orgasms!” — the duo began a competitive game to see who would be able to bed the most women (and yes, they must have an orgasm).

Considering the spectacularness with which it fails, it felt less than surprising to cut to Soso, in all of her millennial glory, getting eaten out by Nicky. What was surprising was how long it took Nicky to get her to stop.fucking.talking. The girl’s inability to stop talking was on full display, complete with absurdly hilarious statements like “I had sex with a girl once before. It was at Bonnaroo with a girl who painted my breasts” and “we were wearing headdresses” and “the String Cheese Incident was playing.” There are not enough eyerolls in the world, my friends.

Odds and Ends:
- “I loved playing house with you today.” GOOD LORD Larry is the worst!
- Isn’t Larry the worst?
- Although I would love —LOVE!— to see him try and rationalize his fucking Piper’s best (and also married) friend to her.
- It would just be far too hilariously absurd.
- Like I said before, these two might be made for each other.
- “I designed one myself: had the plans drawn up and everything. I’ve seen some funky punani in my day.” I bet Sophia’s designer vagina, once she gets it, will be beautiful.
- Is Taystee the first person to EVER call female genitalia beautiful on screen? She might be.
- The Stand and Deliver isn’t just a good idea, Poussey — it’s a real thing! It’s called the P-Mate.
- I bet Soso used one while she was at Bonnaroo (for the port-a-potties).

Have you caught up with this episode of OITNB? Let us hear what you think about it in the comments (or on Twitter)!

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