White House Refusal to Build Death Star Shows Weakness, Says Empire
by Brian Walton on January 16, 2013
In what may be the greatest PR scenario for both the White House and Lucasfilm, a petition for the U.S. government to build a Death Star forced the White House’s hand in revealing that they aren’t prepared to wield the greatest weapon this galaxy has ever seen. In an official response to the petition on the White House’s website, Chief of Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget (holy crap, that’s a title) Paul Shawcross says that the cost of the Death Star, the Administration’s policy against the blowing up of planets (that’ll change when we discover unobtainium), and the basic heat vent flaw that allows for such easy destruction mean the Obama presidency will not be known as where Alderaan’s end began. Shawcross then goes on to point out some of the progress we’ve made into space and highlights the International Space Station, the Mars Rover Curiosity, and even the desire to support private missions to the moon in this decade.
Of course, Emperor Palpatine is not one to miss the opportunity to parade his toys by having people witness his fully armed and operational battle station. The Empire’s PR office issued a statement with quotes from Grand Moff Tarkin about the Empire’s official position on the Earth’s lack of Death Star: “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire.”
The Empire predicts a bright future for the Death Star and certainly doesn’t lend any validity to the U.S.’s assertion that there are flaws in the Death Star plans. We wonder how many Bothans died for Obama to see them in the first place? From the press release: “Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. ‘Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,’ added Motti.”