Figures & Speech: Thanksgiving’s Five Most Gluttonous Action Figures
by A Real Person on November 21, 2012
Tomorrow, you will stuff yourself silly. Pretty much a given, right? And yet your toys will maintain their perfect, unrealistic physiques…or will they? We’re not saying most toy figures aren’t heroically pumped to a point no human can hope to achieve – but there are some who are clearly more prone to overindulgence than they should be. You might not want to read any further on a full stomach of your own.
5. Humpty Dumpty – McFarlane’s Twisted Fairy Tales.
Part Mr. Creosote from Monty Python, part victim of Silver Shamrock from Halloween III, this Humpty is pretty much a failure on most levels: as an action figure he’s mostly unarticulated, and as a nursery rhyme character, he can’t even get his fat ass up on the wall he’s so famous for falling from. As a ruiner of your appetite, though, he succeeds. Centipedes and gangrene are pretty much a winning combo that way.
4. Homer Simpson “Ironic Punishment” – The Simpsons.
When Homer gets sent to Hell, he’s punished for his gluttony by having to eat donuts forever. Too bad the demons couldn’t figure out that he’d never get sick of it (perhaps it was secretly Heaven all along). This deluxe box set featured a mechanism to keep Homer chowing down for as long as you might choose… unfortunately, it didn’t always work so well. Just like overeating. The joke with this toy was that even when Todd McFarlane got The Simpsons license, he figured out a way to do a toy of somebody getting tortured.
3. Boomer Zombie – Left 4 Dead.
How do zombies go to the bathroom? They eat all the time, but you never see them pull down their pants. Think about it – they must have the most disgusting underwear ever. Except maybe this guy, who seems to hold it all in his stomach until he splits in half.
2. Feverish – Tortured Souls Series 2.
Yo, your figure’s so fat…
How fat is he?
He so fat, demons be eatin’ the leftovers inside his ruptured stomach!
Hey, listen, if my snaps were good, I’d be an insult comic for a living. Instead, I have to speculate what was going through the mind of Todd McFarlane and Clive Barker when they came up with this digusting S.O.B.
1. Jabba Glob – Star Wars Episode I.
“Jabba the Hutt” is pretty much a universal euphemism for anybody you know who’s fat and lazy – frankly, he makes us think George Lucas probably had a pothead roommate at some point, who sat molded to the couch smoking and eating, possibly with a creepy little sidekick who had a high-pitched laugh all the time (where Jabba watched the Rancor actually eat people, Lucas’ hypothetical stoner roommate – nothing at all like any I might have had, or so I’ll tell the cops if they ask – just watched animals eating each other on the Discovery Channel, while exclaiming “HAAAAA! That’s fucked up.”) Point being, there have been several Jabba toys, but only one that eats slime and frogs (yeah yeah, Chubas, whatever). Then you could squeeze him and he’d puke it up, in a scene we don’t remember in any movie, but maybe Disney’s next director can bring the CGI and insert digital barf – and we ain’t talking John Candy – back into The Phantom Menace. What ‘ll happen if someone squeezes you after tomorrow’s dinner?
Did I leave out your favorite glutton figure? By all means, post some links in comments below. And bon appetit!