Your Apoco-Questions Answered!
By Rob Kutner on January 19, 2012
Last week, I, Dr. Apocalypse, promised to answer your queries eschatologicial, catastrophical, or — God forbid it should come to this – Seussical. Today I begin following through on that promise.
Joanna Nuval asks:
Will the Rapture pick me up, or will I have to meet it half-way?
ANSWER: Stay put. For some reason, the Rapture will only pick up skyborn people if they’ve lofted themselves up via a bunch of party balloons tied to a deckchair. So, nice try, but burn in Hell, grumpy old man and Boy Scout from “Up!”
Laura Pena asks:
Do you recommend having a plan for a family for when the world falls apart?
ANSWER: Absolutely. Small children are to be protected from any physical risk – unless their fighting prowess will bring you home the loot from “Toddlerdome.” Parents should band together and subdivide themselves by skill group into “hunter-gatherers,” “problem-solvers,” and “liberal arts majors.” Grandparents are critical, as most of them are used to navigating a technology-free world as it is.
In-laws are appropriate and pleasing sacrificial bait for your local Warlord.
Niko from Finland asks:
What is the etiquette on raiding? How soon is too soon to invade your neighbor’s home or apartment and steal their canned goods?
ANSWER: It’s definitely not too soon now, because a Scandinavian actually asking about the propriety of raiding and pillaging is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.
Got a question for Dr. Apocalypse? E-mail ApocDoc@gmail.com or post it here.
Dr. Apocalypse, aka Rob Kutner, is a writer for CONAN and the author of APOCALYPSE HOW: TURN THE END-TIMES INTO THE BEST OF TIMES and the new e-book, THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO ME.
Follow Rob on Twitter: @ApocalypseHow.