Why Hasn’t Dr. Apocalypse Answered YOUR Apoco-Question Yet?
by Rob Kutner on January 30, 2012
Is the planet getting hotter, or we just sweatier? Have we already surpassed ‘Peak Oil’ and gone onto “Oil Growing Gray Ponytail And Getting a VH-1 Reality Show?” Which of the Four Horsemen shall be known as “The Cute One?” Only Dr. Apocalypse knows, so ask away – BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
Will Getty from England asks:
Is a world war 3 style nuclear war survivable by anyone?
ANSWER: Yes, it is survivable by anyone – anyone who’s anyone, that is. The Dr.’s suggestions on ensuring your survival are simple:
a) Become super-rich, famous, or preferably, famous only for being famous.
b) In your case, join the House of Lords. True it will require a peerage based on centuries of owning a parcel of land, but in the nanoseconds directly following the nuke blast, a time wormhole will open up enabling this. Naturally, the timing is tricky, but as a Lord, you will have a valet to ‘shedule’ it for you. (Dr. Apocalypse watches Downton Abbey; He knows how this works)
Doug Molitor asks:
If we’re the top of the food chain, why don’t we eat the zombies?
ANSWER: Excellent question. Who among us does not watch The Walking Dead (Dr. Apocalypse’s Sunday night DVR is brimming indeed!), salivating over each succulent staggering morsel? The problem is the discrepancy between “fast” and “slow” zombies. The former are full of artery-cleansing “good” HDL cholesterol, the latter “bad” LDL. So there’s the rub: The only zombies that are catchable will still get us in the end with heart disease.
Eric Swanson asks:
So if that crazy haired guy who does the ancient aliens show is right and aliens are after gold… is that why there are so many cash for gold commercials now? Are the aliens coming back to collect and if we don’t deliver we die or become slaves ?
ANSWER: All right, first of all he has a name: Glenn Beck. Second, if you actually paid more attention to the very late-night commercials you reference, you’d see they are interspersed with a number of ads for services specifically designed to help us avoid alien slavery, for example:
• Cash 4 Human-Ribcages-To-Be-Used-As-Alien-Incubators
Got a question for Dr. Apocalypse? E-mail [email protected] or post it here.
See the Dr’s previous answers here.
Dr. Apocalypse, aka Rob Kutner, is a writer for CONAN and the author of APOCALYPSE HOW: TURN THE END-TIMES INTO THE BEST OF TIMES and the new e-book, THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO ME.
Follow Rob on Twitter: @ApocalypseHow