Nintendiot: Or, I Know Nothing About Nintendo. Sorry.
By Kiala Kazebee on January 3, 2012
Last week while out to dinner with friends, I was outed by SOMEONE (cough, and that cough sounds like “my husband”) at the table as a closet Nintendo moron. Now that my secret is out, I guess I have to explain myself. I GUESS.
I am old. I don’t want to say how old (as the wind) but I am old enough to have been a child of the 80′s who was brought up on Atari and a little ColecoVision/Commodore 64 text-based rpg’s, but mostly Atari. We were Atari people, our family, in the same way other families are a specific sportsballs team family and not another specific sportsballs team family. I used to walk down to the Penguins frozen yogurt shop about three miles away from my grandmother’s house every single day and in between stuffing my face with vanilla froyo and Reese’s pieces I’d play the shit out of Moon Patrol, Joust, Centipede, and Tron (when I could afford it; Tron was like a whole dollar). I also was super into Pole Position in the same way I’m into Hydrothunder now. THE FREEDOM OF THE OPEN/ROAD WATER AND EXPLOSIONS OMG PREPARE TO QUALIFY/USE YOUR BOOSTER.
When the NES came out in 1986, I would go over to my friend Rose’s house and play Mario Brothers (actually this might have been on Super Nintendo? I told you – I’m a Nintendiot) for about two hours until her brother got home and then we would have driving lessons in his Jeep and, well… I kind of stopped caring about video games and started caring about boys. A lot. And my nerd obsessions also shifted to hard core sci-fi and a new surprising love of calculus and physics. This continued on into college until my third year when I woke up from a booze snooze and seized the Sega controller from my roommate’s boyfriend because oh, how I wanted to make that hedgehog roll around super fucking fast.
Once I got out of college, I could barely afford to eat, so there was no way I could afford to buy any kind of gaming system for my tiny apartment. I took a lot of post grad Victorian lit and science classes, deconstructed a shit ton of Russian novels, and then FINALLY someone gave me a Costco card and I bought an Xbox along with the first (and best) Buffy game and Splinter Cell and I never looked back.
So yeah, there is a GIANT GAPING HOLE in my video game knowledge and it’s time to fess up about it. And like a lot of perfectionists, I stay far away from things that don’t come easy to me so I’ve never bothered to fill that giant gaping hole (um) and I guess maybe I feel bad about it? So as my New Year’s Resolution, I am going to buy a Nintendo and play Skyward Sword (we do have a Wii) and rescue your princess from her tower and send swapnotes and stuff. God. This is going to be a lot of work. I hope you guys appreciate the sacrifices I make for you.
*Breaks out the Doritos and snuggles into the couch*
YOU ARE WELCOME.