The Future of Christmas
by Rob Kutner on December 20, 2011
When last we heard from eminent futurologist Rob Kutner, writer for “Conan” and veteran of “The Daily Show,” he was telling us about his book “Apocalypse How: Turn the End Times into the Best of Times!” Today, he joins us to reveal the future of Christmas in an exclusive expose. He also has a new e-book, “The Future According to Me,” available at Amazon, so go buy that. But first, herewith, a glimpse into what the holiday will be like in the near, and far, future…. (And make sure you don’t miss the brand new and very special video at the end)
“When it came, Scrooge bent down upon his knee; for in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery…’Am I in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Future?’ said Scrooge.
The Spirit answered, ‘Totes, Scrooge-man. Check this sh*t out…’”
-Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol (paraphrased)
You asked for it, you wrote to Santa about it — and only Nerdist delivers it: A glimpse into the Christmases of the future.
The hottest toy is “Virtually-Replicate-The-Full-Sensory-Experience-Of-Any-Scenario-I-Desire-Including-No-Mostly-Dirty-Stuff Elmo”
Mass global riots ensue when retailers refuse to accept returns of the product if it’s been “pre-used, repeatedly and shamefully.”
Earlier and earlier Christmas preparations each year eventually cause Christmas Spacetime to fold over itself, creating a wormhole you can travel to any Christmas through (except for 1979, due to its embarrassment over Disney’s release of The Black Hole).
Unfortunately for most scientists, the so-called “Yulehole” only works if you “believe.”
The Martians invade the Earth, seeking vengeance for their 1964 conquest by Santa Claus.
SPOILER ALERT: It’s a tie. Now as Christmas approaches, the Christian children of Earth are judged on whether they are “Naughty,” “Nice,” or “Gn¤rflax.”
Art: Brian Posehn and Gerry Duggan, “The Last Christmas” (2006)
Legend says he comes around every Christmas and – due to our unbreathable atmosphere — slides down every subterranean-dwelling family’s vent-hole, bearing marvelous gifts like “protein pellets” and “anti-radiation popsicles.”
It’s like a Christmas version of The Postman, except slightly less excruciating.
Eighty-seven years behind schedule (damn one-world government contractors!), Skynet becomes self-aware. But instead of sending back in time a matricidal/motorcycling/California-governing killbot, it sends back the following jolly Christmas tune – which we IGNORE AT OUR PERIL: