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Nerdist was started by Chris Hardwick and has grown to be a many headed beast.

Here’s What Happens When You Play Skyrim, AC:Revelations, and Modern Warfare 3 Simultaneously, Kids

by on November 21, 2011

Look. I’ll admit I might be a little confused. When that dragon came swooping down right before Ezio Auditore da Firenze was about to be executed and the Russian President was nearly assassinated, I thought to myself, “Hey, this is quite a game! Golly!” Except I didn’t say golly, I said “shit” like that guy does in The Wire: “Sheeeetttttttt”. That was all I had time to think, though, because out of nowhere, my Zodiac went careening directly into a cave full of vampires and I only had enough ammo to set one on fire with my hand, so I leaped and climbed my way up to the top of the cave and found a Templar bolthole where no Templar bolthole should be and found myself standing smack dab in the middle of a tiny wattle and daub village called “Windhelm” (an admittedly strange name for an African settlement, but, I guess… the Dutch or whatever?)

So, THEN, some dude offered me the use of his forge, which was nice, I guess, although a little too neighborly, if you know what I mean. I really didn’t want to use his stupid forge, because the next thing you know, the guy is borrowing my beer and wi-fi and having an affair with my spouse and I have to move into a shitty studio apartment in the suburbs because I never thought I’d have to get a real job this late in life.

So, anyway, I used his forge, because, seriously, fuck that guy. I tried to make a new Barret 50cal sniper rifle, but all I had was a strip of leather and some barrel carrots, so it was a no go and, anyway, I was a wee bit concerned about all the dry african grasses and you know, forging shit around them. Then again, I think maybe I was supposed to set fire to that village? I think that’s what Price and Soap said? So I did. I mean when in Rome — except I wasn’t in Rome, I was in Constantinople. Or Istanbul. Whatever. I am not going to reference that stupid song now.

Anyway, I was in Constantinople trying to put the pieces of my mind back together within the animus thingajob and all of a fucking sudden MURDER BEARS EVERYWHERE. Well, you can guess how I reacted to that situation. I totally hit one with a grenade, but the murder bear threw the grenade back at me and I ran kind of awkwardly away from it and fell down in the snow and got my new fur armor boots all snowy and Price yelled at me and I cried.

I give this game a 4 out of 5 stars, is what I’m saying. I think I’ll lie down now for a bit.

 
15 comments read them below or add one

  1. i know exactly how you fell sir, pretty soon here im gonna have to bust out my 9 and pop a firebolt in someones buttocks while i visit saints row

  4. I have yet to purchase Skyrim.
    I have been busy treasure hunting in the desert while fighting in world war 3 when I have the time.

  8. I really wanted to hate Skyrim. I hated Oblivion after all. But after 30 or so hours of losing track of the real world and only thinking like a high elf, I think I might be hooked. Life, as I know it, is over.

  9. I think Bethesda seriously hates me. I’ve got real world shit to get done; simple things like sleep and washing the dishes. But none of it gets done. Lydia wants me to go see what’s in this cave.

  10. Skyrim, where else can you be a Thief, assassin, anti-imperialist, werewolf that wields magic and slays dragons.

  11. When I tire of slaying dragons and combing the post apocolyptic wastelands, I play in the NBA. (Which, this year is also a fantasy game)

  13. I’ve yet to get Skyrim, though, IM SURE i’ll feel the same way.

    Although, Thnxgiving weekend could prove worthy of spilling Dragonblood. . .

    fuckIT. IM BUYING TODAY. I was sold at “werewolf that WIELDS MAGIC.”

  15. Yeah I know I’m a bit late to the party, but damn…
    BEST. CONFUSED. GAME. REVIEW. EVER!
    Now if only someone would make that game……..

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