by Kyle Anderson on October 25, 2011
The economic state of the world is hitting everyone, even in once-safe and financially secure locations. I feel it’s important to allow those troubled by the lack of jobs yet not on our nation’s radar to get a chance to speak their mind. The following is an open letter from a concerned citizen of Duckburg:
I feel there is a real problem in Duckburg’s economy and it begins with the citizen right at the top, its so-called “top citizen,” the zillionaire Scrooge McDuck. It is simply despicable that in 2011 most of us have to get by on pittance while one man continually gets richer. His total earnings have never been reported, even to the IRS, but it’s believed to be somewhere in the multipujillions. He isn’t simply the richest duck in town; he’s the richest duck in the world. Not even internet pioneer Mark Duckerberg can rival his fortune.
I am well aware that Mr. McDuck rose to prominence through nothing more than self-reliance and ingenuity, and in many ways he embodies the American Dream; however, his disgusting amount of wealth is greater than the annual income of the entire rest of the city. He wasn’t even born in this country! And to flaunt his massive wealth the way he does, by putting it all in a giant white bin with a dollar sign on the side, rubbing it in our faces… it’s an absolute disgrace, not to mention an eye-sore disrupting the natural beauty of our fair city. Maybe he should put some of that money back into the economy instead of depleting the gold reserve by keeping everything in coins and then being unhygienic and swimming around in it. It’s probably covered in fungus and bacteria.
What exactly does he do with his money? He spends it on ridiculous big-ticket items. Things like race cars, lasers, and aeroplanes, things that even the most conservative of us would describe as a “duck blur.” Then he goes off and gallivants around the world on these ridiculous treasure-seeking holidays. He has three young nephews to take care of, and he’s always putting them in harm’s way. It’s completely irresponsible parenting. Young children should never be involved in derring-do. If anyone else subjected their kids to things like this, they’d be arrested for reckless endangerment. More exceptions for the wealthy. He also has a full-time butler, maid, scientist, accountant, and bodyguard, some of whom aren’t even local Duckburgers, depriving tax-payers of high-paying jobs. At one point he also had a pilot working for him; However, that gentleman so objected to McDuck’s rampant over-spending, he was expatriated to St. Canard, a city so infested with crime that they’ve actually been forced to accept aid from a masked vigilante.
And speaking of crime, we’re all aware at the multiple failed attempts by the Beagle Boys to break into Mr. McDuck’s money bin and steal his “Number One Dime.” No one deserves to have their personal safety and property at risk, and I do not condone the methods enacted by them, but can we truly blame them? They’re a large family all living under one roof, and they all have criminal records, so getting legitimate work must be tough. They’re in and out of the justice system so often they can’t possibly make a real go of it. If McDuck would simply open one of his factories here instead of outsourcing everything overseas, perhaps people like Ma Beagle and her sons wouldn’t need to resort to theft and larceny.
I’m asking you, citizens of Duckburg, to join me tomorrow in protesting Scrooge McDuck’s gross misuse of wealth and stand in front of his money bin until something is done. We can’t keep suffering while he lives in a palace. It’s time for a change.
I am the 99.999999999%
-Kanderson likes old cartoons. Follow him on TWITTER