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Anxiety 101: SootheTube

Like many of my fellow nerds, I have anxiety problems, and while I’m able to manage them throughout the day with a rigid schedule of Portal 2, hot baths, exercise (ugh), and historical romance novels, when I lie down to sleep at night the panic can be overwhelming and insomnia inducing. And that is when I turn to the internet… to YouTube, to be precise. Watching videos of ladies doing their hair or showing me their collection of Nars blushes is well – mind-numbing, and that is what I need in order to stop myself from spiraling into crazy time land. Soon, however, watching beauty tutorials isn’t enough, like when you watch too much of one kind of porn and you need to up the stakes, amirite? What? Nothing.


So I began watching massage videos. NOT IN A SEX WAY. GEEZ. Videos of cranial massages, Swedish massages, all kinds of above board massages. And even though I felt kind of weird and a little creepy, it worked. Boom! Asleep. But when I had watched all the massage videos ever on YouTube and was seriously considering an Ambien/Xanax/whiskey cocktail, in desperation, I fell down the rabbit hole of the “related videos” little side bar area of YouTube. I watched some weird, yelling Russian massages, some Japanese hair massages, and even one thing called a sacroiliac massage which I don’t want to talk about. And then I hit bottom (PUN) with a “whispering video” like the one in the video above.

OH, GOD, IT WAS TERRIFYING.

A “whispering video” is where a person with a little scary dead baby voice talks about whatever, anything, and makes mouth noises into the microphone and, in general, is so gross and disturbing I can’t imagine why anyone would voluntarily want to listen to it. But people do. They fucking love it. There’s a whole market for it and, let’s face it, these people are fetishists. They find it soothing in the same way I find watching a gentle, quiet back massage soothing. It’s weird. IT IS WEIRD. I thought I was weird, but that shit? That shit is weird.

And that’s when I found out about SootheTube. It’s a real THING, you guys. People go to there and watch videos in order to relax, or get straight, or not kill their partners or whatever, and everyone is a little self-deprecating, like, “yeah, I know this is weird, but you like it too, so we’re all weird”. And there are the aforementioned whispering videos (ACK KILL IT WITH FIRE), but also massage videos and some other relaxation videos and even a few hair tutorials sprinkled about for good measure.

So that is what I learned about the Internet yesterday. Now, please go about judging my crazy on a scale of Sheen-Salinger because I would expect nothing less of you.

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27 comments

  • I listen to those whisper videos….I have always fallen asleep when someone whispers around me. It’s comes from when I would get to go see my Grandma on my Dad’s side. She would whisper to me and scratch my head and then, little four year old me would fall asleep. So….I kinda like it.

  • Wow. Whisper videos might be the most hiliarous thing I’ve ever seen on youtube. I have a talent showcase this month and just 4 min to do amongst a group of 17 other comics. This has inspired me to whisper my entire set, with a really loud, aubible sound in the middle.

    Anyways, my wife works in pediatricsuses recommends melatonin to parents with kids who have trouble sleeping. Be carefull, sometimes nightmares are a side effect. Have fun with that anxiety!

    I use Celexa once a day. That curbs the anxiety attacks for the day.

  • I just… want to understand…… WTF is it with the video?! Seriously. All together it’s like one weird confusing mind-fuck that not even Chris Angel could get off to…. I’m gonna go cry now.

  • “So I began watching massage videos. NOT IN A SEX WAY. GEEZ. Videos of cranial massages, Swedish massages, all kinds of above board massages. And even though I felt kind of weird and a little creepy, it worked”

    OMG I DO THIS TOO. all the time! Soooo relaxing. Cranial massages especially…and i feel so creepy when someone finds out/my boyfriend notices. So happy that i am not alone.

  • I’m going to have to rate you at full-on jam-in-the-ears insane only because you go so far out of your way here to make the whisper videos seem creepier than watching videos of ONE STRANGER RUBBING ANOTHER PARTIALLY-NUDE STRANGER’S BODY.

  • I just discovered Soothetube and love it! I stumbled across the site after seeking out full painting episodes from the late, Bob Ross. I also found the whisper videos creepy. Kind of like the 1920s trend to own and play an album of constant laughing.

  • haha i watch the hair and massage videos too! i always feel like such a creeper since the rest of the comments are all, “ur so hawt” or whatever. but it really is relaxing!

  • I didn’t find that too weird (I didn’t pay attention to the video though), I may try falling asleep to it. Normally I start watching an episode of Bob Ross and fall asleep, nothing like happy trees to put you to bed.

  • have you looked into food allergies/Gluten allergies? I TOO battle the Anxiety whore…took some ibuprophen recently, some reason it made my anxiety subside.little research later…… iboprophen is an anti inflammatory.. food allergies can inflame your insides and shit.. (not your actual shit). so unbeknownst to you, something you ate, even a day ago, can be screwing with you and youd never know it.. it comes out as anxiety. For me im learning its Gluten. I actually battled anxiety well, then one day it came back for round 2, years and years later, really bad. Learned it happened whenever I drank beer. Everyone said the same thing. ALCOHOL AND ANXIETY DONT MIX.. well i switched to cider and wine.. NO ILL EFFECTS!! except the calming nature. Gluten in the beer was the culprit… why am i rambling?. go see if you have a deep rooted food allergy. might help.. thats all fine sir

  • It’s been about a year since I first found out about soothetube from this post, and I still use it to lower anxiety and fall asleep several nights a week. While it doesn’t seem to have a lasting anxiety-health effect — it’s temporary of course — it is a great temporary boon. Boon? Yeah. Anyway, J, that’s interesting about the food/gluten allergy possibility. Might have to make a trip to the doctor and run some tests or some such. Anyway, thanks again to Nerdist for introducing me to Soothetube, although I wish Chris would stop making Todd play the jingles

  • I do this. Sometimes if I stay over at my bf’s place and I can’t sleep, I grab his huge headphones and strap em’ on. Then I use a “hypnosis” app to put myself to sleep. He thinks it’s so weird. It is.

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