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The 10 Worst People at Concerts

Flickr, wetwebwork, used under Creative Commons license

As one of your resident music nerds, I have taken the onus upon myself to frequent concerts in order to maintain my street cred. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but the life of a music blogger isn’t all fun and games. There exist several occupational hazards that can make the job risky business. Although hearing loss and sore quads are pretty rough, it turns out that your biggest threat at concerts are other people. So for the benefit of concertgoers everywhere, I have compiled a red-flag list of people to be wary of at shows.

  1. Screaming Bitches. Everyone hates you, all the time.
  2. Out-of-place Bros at Indie Shows “Yo dude, whats this sentimental bullshit? I thought Iron and Wine was going to be a weight lifting/binge drinking expo”
  3. Flash Mob Instigator. Flash Dance Party = most fun you ever had getting trampled.
  4. Passed Out Stranger on the Ground. Are you dead? I hope not, but I’m not going to check until after this song. I probably couldn’t differentiate between your pulse and the bass line anyway.
  5. The Tripping Hippie. Quick, play dead! Don’t imperil yourself by becoming part of his hallucination or buying his love beads!
  6. Your Friend’s Parents. It’s common knowledge that parents only like Randy Newman, so if you see them at a show, something is amiss. Tell them Antique Road Show was the night before and remove yourself from their vicinity
  7. Train of Fat n’ Tall Guys Being Conducted by a Short Girl. I didn’t come to the Tallest Man On Earth to actually get stuck behind the tallest man on earth. Having one short member in your party doesn’t give everyone a free pass to suck.
  8. Disgusting Couple Hooking Up. Who knew two people could combine so readily to create one repulsively amorphous love blob?
  9. Naked Guy at Outdoor Festivals. Your penis is horrible!!
  10. Everyone at a Lady Gaga Concert.  By agreeing to take part in this event, you have forfeited your personal space and sexual preference. Plan accordingly.

 

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41 comments

  • My 2 pet hates:
    1 People holding mobiles aloft, sometimes all you can see is the phones.

    2 The girls who get on their BF’s shoulders.
    “You’re not part of the show, you’re not in the band, you’re not adding to the atmosphere, you’re just spoiling my view, get the f*** down, be-atch”.

  • sometimesjennifer — EXACTLY.

    I have had SO many (the majority) of my concert going experience ruined by completely inconsiderate selfish jerk-offs after I
    A) Spent a lot of money for the ticket
    B) Perhaps drove over an hour or two to get there
    C) Have been looking forward to the concert for months.

    ….then I get stuck next to people who must scream their lungs out to talk about their boss at work or their great grand niece’s bowel movements. The very FEW times I’ve had to try to converse with one of my friends at a concert (3-8 words tops)…my throat gets so sore from having to scream and repeat myself 5 times. And I will only talk if absolutely necessary and not interrupting the music. I paid to hear a band I love…not some jackass’s screaming 2 inches behind me for 3 hours CONSTANTLY, SERIOUSLY HOW DO THESE PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEMSELVES. Jesus, and for seated events (I just went to a football game) was on the very end aisle seat. The same fuck face kept making me stand up and down and there was a time my friend and I counted him going in and out of our aisle 17 times in the fourth quarter alone. I didn’t leave my seat once. Unfortunately, this wasn’t even a surprise because everyone’s an asshole. He just came back every time with a different overpriced hot dog or beverage. Seriously…we can’t go 5 minutes without eating. You can eat and scream elsewhere for much much cheaper. The fact that they’re just totalllly oblivious to how they’re ruining my experience/NIGHT is what gets me.
    Meanwhile a cozy couple in front of me…the man decided it would be okay to put his arm around his woman friend in such crowded quarters as a college (division one) huge footballl game. We are not in your living room, you fucking ass, he actually rested his hairy arm on my leg. I had to keep kneeing him off. Seriously…how can you NOT tell when your skin is touching a complete strangers?! Not to mention the constant making out. I hate. them.

    I am slightly tall….at concerts I am ALWAYS concerned for the people behind me. I will move if I see someone shorter BEHIND me. People just boggle my mind, everyone is a jerk nowadays. Everyone. Except the people commenting on this board, I love you all.

    GA concerts should be blocked off. Put everyone who wants to flail their limbs around as if they’re having a grandmal seizure, and must have a nonstop 3 hour conversation mostly about “what I didnt hear you???’ or about everything not even related to the concert or event or anything positive in general. Oh, and the ones that have to spend more time out of the theater/stadium doing who the FUCK knows, but they’re getting up and down to do it every 30 seconds…. put all those people in the back.

    The people that want to actually enjoy what they paid for can sit in the front and be considerate to fellow polite people who share the passion for perhaps your favorite band in the entire world.

  • Saw several complaints here that I completely agree with. Especially ppl who talk non-stop & girls who scream excessively. One that I would add is drunk ppl who have no concern for others around them. Me & my g/f went to see a Journey concert a few yrs back & these 2 drunk chicks behind us were swinging their arms around while dancing & acting obnoxious. Even during the slow songs. They must’ve hit me in the back of the head 2 or 3 times. I’d turn around & give’em the WTF look & they would just give me a clueless blank look like they had no idea what my problem was. I’m not a violent guy but after that 2nd bop, I came extremely close to kicking the living crap outta them both. So my biggest complaint would be all the drunks who ruin it for the rest of us who know how to control our drinking & behavior.

  • 23. Pushers. People who push ahead of people to get closer to the stage. Maybe they should have shown up earlier…

    I’m, personally, not a fan of GA’s. I simply will take lower level seatings (eventhough I stand the whole time), but I hate having to worry about the drama.

  • I hate the people who clamber way up to the front of the stage who don’t even like the band. They just stand there glaring. Why not give up that spot to someone who would appreciate it a little more and just go hang at the bar if you don’t like the band?

  • Assholes with cameras. Fucking pay attention. And don’t get pissed off when you stand on my foot or try to put your elbow into my wife’s eye because you’re getting that “perfect shot” from 500 yards away with your 1.2mp camera.

    Security people who give out cups at gigs. “Hey… you can’t drink from that plastic bottle. You gotta use a cup.” Fuck off. Look! Robocop’s behind you!

    It’s been mentioned, but crowd surfers… Myles Hunt said during Wonder Stuff gig years ago, “Stay on the fucking floor. People are here to see our beautiful fucking faces, not your hairy arses.” When that didn’t suffice, he went on to observe, “Notice how crowd surfers are just boys? Desperate young men who want someone to touch them, but they’re too scared to talk? Sorry boys, the toilets are full so you won’t get any joy there. Go buy a magazine and have a wank in the alley.” That seemed to do it.

  • people who get to the show late and try to wedge their way in between you and the rail. if i’m on the rail, the only way you’re getting in between me and that rail is when the show is over! some asshat learned that the hard way when he put the fleshy part of his arm in my face…i have teeth and i DO bite!

    and as for the loser up there complaining about chicks that shop at torrid ..|.. i shop there because they make tops that fit my ample breasts…the ones you’ve been drooling over! loser!

  • I have a love/hate relationship with couples at shows who dry hump and lick on each other to the MOST inappropriate songs. They only bother to learn the chorus and skip the lyrics about an abusive husband or a dead girlfriend. It is both awesome and sad to watch.

  • 22) People who pay for seats but stand in front or on them for the entire show.

    I’ll second the beach ballers. My buddy took his keys and put a hole in a beach ball after it spilled my beer at a show.

  • agreed on the guy standing in front of you. went to a Pendulum show couple months ago, and i swear, every lurpy, lanky 16 year old not playing center on their high school hoops team was wandering in front of me and staying there. i’m not TOO short, just under 6′, but really?

  • I agree with all of these but the most glaring omission is the chatters. These a-holes fall into two categories. First: the ones who seem to have zero interest in the band, to the point of often standing with their backs to the stage and acting annoyed that the music is rudely interrupting their conversation. The second type: my personal arch nemeses, the ones who spend the entire show talking nonstop about how much they LOVE the band/artist. “OMG I love this song so much I cannot believe they are playing it I will never forget the first time I ever heard it I was in the produce section of the grocery store and Billy was texting me about that party at Joe’s house and then I went straight to the store and tried to buy the cd but it was sold out…” Sweet Jeebus, STFU and listen if you love it so much.

    Also, honorable mention goes to people who try to save spots for their friends at general admission, standing room only shows. “Um, my friend is gonna be standing in that spot…” Really? Ok, well, when your friend still hasn’t shown up an hour later, you don’t get to give me hate stares because my foot is infringing on this imaginary spot you have saved.

  • @HavveK Let me fill in after #17 on your list…

    These refer mostly to indoor venues:

    17) Glowstick Throwers (You could injure someone or even the performers, you asshole.)

    18) ‘Upgraders’ (Specifically in venues with Assigned Seats. Just because you come to a show early and the seats in front of you are empty, it doesn’t mean you get to upgrade your seats. You’d better hope the usher gets to you before I do if you’re in MY seat.)

    19) Heavy Drinkers That Drink Through The Opening Act (They have to get up 20 times to take a piss during the headliner.)

    20) Assholes That Wait Until The Last Fucking Second To Take Their Seats (They cause the most problems because they collide with #18 and #19 on this list.)

    21) Jerk With a Camera (I suppose anyone who misses a show could just watch your footage. However, I paid to watch the show, not attempt to watch the show with your arm and your camera blocking my view. Your detachable lens is about to double as a colonoscope if you put that camer up one more time…)

  • Totally agree with the list. Most of these categories have ruined a Belle & Sebastian concert for me not one month ago. I completely underestimated how young the audience would be and got trapped amidst an ever-growing crowd of dancing screaming, out-of-key singing teenagers in the front rows. At one point the guy in front of me was taking so much space with his dacning butt that I had to put my bag in front of my penis to avoid an awkward unsolicted lapdance.

  • I agree about the drunk people and also the out of place people. I found they tend to be one in the same person. They go back and forth to the bar , give you dirty looks and ask you what your problem when you don’t feel like moving for the twentieth time and on the way back spilling beer on me and talking the whole time. If you wanted to get drunk and and talk to your friend there are cheaper ways to that.

  • 1. unnecessary crowd surfing guy
    2. guy who tries to sing like the lead singer, but is way flat. I paid $20 to hear the band, not your karaoke set
    3. fat girls who crowd surf (probably shops at Torrid)
    4. 99% of drunk people

    I could go on, but I’ll save it for my own blog.

  • I was always the guy that attracted the weirdos at concerts. As someone who avidly attended metal shows, it wasn’t hard to find them either. I guess I have a friendly face, because no matter whether they were drunk, high, fucking retarded, or naked and screaming, they found their way to me. Maybe the friendly guy is someone that needs to be avoided also? That way if you’re one of the aforementioned, you will leave me to enjoy my metal in relative peace.

    However, if you’re one of the random chicks who have inadvertently snapped pictures of me, only to approach me months later at a different show, you’re okay, because as I ercal you were attractive. Thanks for recognizing me random hot chick!

  • I was unreasonably nervous I was going to be one of the people on this list. Thankfully, I’m not. Although I have been known to drag pop fans to indie shows. What can I say? There isn’t a big indie crowd in my town, and I don’t like talking to strangers.

  • I’d like to add the pair of screaming drunk bitches who are always inevitably behind me/in front of me/next to me, WOOOOOing constantly, drunkenly shoving & elbowing me while attempting to “dance”, and giving ME the stink eye for daring to be in their personal space, while spilling their $10 beers all over me.

  • I’m tall as well, and I don’t think I should have to make my friends stand in the back to please the vertically challenged. General admission sucks for everyone. Learn to deal, or wait for a show with seats. If I want to get up close to stage, I have to deal with grumpy and sometimes belligerent short people on top of the general crowding and shoving, and the occasional chick who wants to climb on my shoulders. If you end up behind a tall person, all you gotta do is move.

    I’m also not a teenager anymore, but I still like music and going to concerts. Why should you care if I’m bald or have gray hair or I’m your friend’s parent? Stop being a smart ass and mind your own business, punk.

  • I’m tall and I try not to stand in front of smaller people when I show up, but if I’m there first and you decide to stand behind me it is your fault.

    11) Body Surfer who is too big to body surf
    12) People in the pit who can’t handle other people touching/being pushed into them. I was at concert this weekend and I watched some couple yelling/throw punches at people bumping into them.
    13) people who wear boots
    14) guy trying to protect girl on the barrier that causes more shoving than the rest of the crowd. (not saying he shouldn’t try to absorb impact for her, but the guy who over compensates and throws elbows at whomever is behind him)
    15) Guy I saw at a show once that was branding people with his lighter
    16) Beach ball guy
    17)

  • I also agree on all except the last one. Been to a Gaga concert, and it wasn’t at all like that. Everyone was kinda just partyin’, havin a good time, no drunks, and the least amount of annoying people I’ve ever encountered at a concert. On the flip flop, saw 30 seconds to mars last year, and it was a great show, but i think i almost died at the hands of a few of the people mentioned in 1-9. Good times all around though!

  • As a frequent concert goer, I see quite a few of the types of people from your list. But being from Texas, I see a few people that are native to the south.
    One being the drunk redneck who throws half full beer into the crowd and at the band. Sometimes these aholes get the band to call off the show.
    Another type is the trailer trash who bring their new born baby/toddler to the front of the stage in a stroller. Then they proceed to drink and smoke all night.

    Shows in Texas aren’t all bad, I’d just avoid huge outdoor shows.

  • I am guilty of being affectionate at concerts…my first concert I made out with some random red-head, and like two years ago I proposed to my wife at a concert and we’ve been makin’ out at shows ever since…I guess what I should be saying is sorry folks for the excessive PDA… =^\

  • I love Gaga but I have to agree, if you make the decision to attend her concert you must be prepared to be hit on and most likely molested by men, women, and everything in between, but isn’t that half the fun.

  • What about the annoying significant other that gets dragged but brings a parent and the both spend the whole time ragging on how much they hate the musicians?

  • Great list! Having personally met most of these people (never been to a lady gaga concert) I hope they read this and realize who they are and stop immediately. I would also like to add boyfriend/girlfriend dragged to concert by significant other who is bitching the whole time and/or wont sit down for more than a song