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The Huge Douche Playlist

Have you ever walked down the pier in just a penny after some serious reps and tried to mack on blonde bitties? Ya, me neither. If you answered “yeah, brah”, then you are probably a huge douche, and this article is perfect for you.

But first I need to extend a huge thank you to my bud/writing partner Becca for filling in for me for the past few weeks. I have been on a Nerdist Furlough with illness, and am finally on the mend. But as luck would have it, were it not for being so sick, I would never have thought of this a-bro-mination of a playlist:


The nature of my illness is digestive, so for a while my only nutritional intake was provided by my local Smoothie King. This was just peachy (sometimes mango-y) until I realized that my fortress away from malnutrition seconds as a bastion for sweaty meatheads tryna get a protein fix after lifting. Last Friday, I was particularly sick and crabby, so my tolerance for anything abrasively bro was just about as low as my tolerance for anything lactose. After being sandwiched in line between two douchetards trading workout regimens in remedial English (brospeak), I was ready to get my 20oz MangoFest and bolt. I paid, took a mango-y swig and swiveled towards the exit.

Now I’m not sure if what happened next was the result of MangoFest hitting my stomach or the visceral disgust of turning around to find these two taints flexing for each other and comparing bicep density, but there was something that my body could not manage in that moment and that the fruity swig found its way to both of those dudes’ sneakers.

After that whole mess, I had a really meditative (dehydrated/dangerous) drive home, during which I pondered the cultural and philosophical choices one makes in becoming a bro. Do you buy “Crash” by Dave Matthews Band and then discover that you really like Gamecube and deadlifts, or is it more of a chicken-egg situation? Joose or Four Loko? Applebee’s or Outback Steakhouse?

With these questions still in mind I parked, ran up to my room and began making a list. When I awoke later in the day, I found sitting on my desk “The Huge Douche Playlist” you see below. If you are offended, don’t be; I just gave you a pretty rad mix for beer pong or hate crimes or whatever it is that Huge Douches like to do.

1. Anything By Creed:
Buttrock at its finest. Every song sounds like Scott Stapp is choking on a Shamwow and tripping over a guitar

2. Anything By Nickelback:
See description for Creed. Also,

3. “Danger Zone” –Kenny Loggins
Thank you Top Gun for the advent of the wingman: always there to talk to the ugly friend and spot some risky bench presses.

4. “Down Under” –Men At Work
It may be the Snowpocalypse in the Midwest, but that doesn’t mean that
someone somewhere isn’t rocking a wife beater and Sperrys in the sun.

5. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” –Def Leppard
No Words. Just Awful.

6. “Evenflow” –Pearl Jam
Now I’ve got nothing against Pearl Jam. Eddie Vedder seems like a cool guy,
And the lead guitarist even has the same digestive disease that I do (MangoFest, Mr McCready?). But what is a douchey playlist without some authentic 90’s grunge?

7. “Last Resort” –Papa Roach
“Cut my life into pieces; I am the lead singer of Papa Roach.”

8. “Blurry” –Puddle Of Mudd
See description for Creed.

9. “That Was A Crazy Game Of Poker” –O.A.R
I guess this song is technically more “bro” than “douche,” but sometimes
you just have to throw out semantics, turn on some ska, and compare bicep
density.

10. “I Stand Alone” –Godsmack
This song was in a Navy commercial a few years back. Lesser known was the curb-stomping commercial that this song was also featured in.

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21 comments

  • There were MUCH douchier bands than Pearl Jam. How about the Offspring??? I’m pretty sure their record label was Massengill.

    Men At Work is hardly douchey as well. I think your youth or illness may have clouded some of your judgment.

    Glad you’re okay, though!

  • Thank you Chris for making a playlist for my brother, probably inspired by my brother. I just showed it to him, and he said, “That dude is the s***.” I hope you enjoy the compliment as much as I did.

  • Oops I just realized it was written by Matt, I am so sorry Matt! I am glad you are feeling okay, and I am glad you were productive in showing those douches how they make others feel at all times.

  • Since Pearl Jam needs to be taken off this playlist immediately, I’d like to nominate any song by the following douchetastic replacements:

    Fuel
    Bush
    Everclear
    Stone Temple Pilots
    311

  • OFFSPRING was such a missed opportunity!!!!!! Also, Clay’s list is pretty spot on and horrible. And I’m just now remembering:

    Staind
    Saliva
    Disturbed

  • I would agree with Chris on Men at Work and Pearl Jam, and I’d add that Kenny Loggins is from an earlier, almost pre-douche era (when we called ‘em frat boys instead of douchebags). You almost have to restrict the choices to, say, 1995 and later, because that’s when frat boy became full-blown douche.

    And by that, I mean the genre perfectly dovetails with the career of Limp Bizkit.

  • Oh Oh Oh!!!!!!!!

    Buckcherry, absolutely needs to be on this list!!!!

    and Men at Work should be removed. It does sound like a good name for a gay dance club though.

    Every generation (or every few years) D’bags are gonna have a different playlist.

    @Chris –> Every D’bag loves Pearl Jam! Its a fact! Sorry if you do also. You get a pass because you heard it when it was new. haha

    @Matt –> I’m pretty sure China wishes they could’ve used “Danger Zone” in their last military video. And I don’t think even douchebags are listening to Creed anymore.

    1)Nickelback
    2)Buckcherry
    3)Pearljam
    4)Many other hacky bands that dont deserve the recognition

  • How there is no “club” music on this list is beyond me. Those jersey idiots dance to that crap that all has the same beat…

    Pearl Jam has been relevant to this list since that first album.

    Linkin Park and Green Day need to be added.

  • Good list and all, but should we not add a disclaimer that explains the this specific type of douchebag evolved on another douche-galapagos island than the spieces depicted in the picture. The d-bag with this playlist is more likely to wear a dark grey band-tee under a checked shirt, a pair of cargo shorts/pants (depending on the climate) and very likely a bracelet acquired at a concert.

    Also, Staind and POD.

  • I don’t feel like O.A.R. deserves to be on this list, but then again I live in Canada, and I’m pretty sure I don’t know anyone else who even knows who they are. I actually love “That Was A Crazy Game of Poker” because aside from being extremely goofy and poppish, it is well written. Having been written when O.A.R. was still in high school probably has a lot to do with any negative run-off that has given it the “bro” label.

  • After countless hours spent analyzing the markers that create a douchebag (the DBDNA, if you will) I have found a multi-generational/cross regional indicator of a full fledged douchebag, regardless of its habitat or upbringing: Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.” If you know that Donny used to work on the docks; then you’re an effing douche