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Hillbilly News Update 3.0

Us humans, we make mistakes. Just the other day I locked myself out of my apartment and had to call my roommate to buzz me in. Silly me. Hillbillies on the other hand, they make disastrous decisions. Lock your kids in the basement with plenty of rations. Hillbillies are taking over.

Unfortunately, a decent amount of time and detail went into his hair.

Can You Say Unfit Mother?

With a last name like Gamble, you can bet Jessica would do just that with her life. Jessica is a young mother. She sensed her 2-year-old daughter was a bit stressed from all the troubles being two causes. The diaper rash. Losing binky after binky. She also thought she could give some parenting tips to her friend. To demonstrate proper parenting, Jessica busted out her cellphone camera and her dankest bag of sticky. Who would have thought teaching her baby girl to smoke joints didn’t go over well with her friend? Now, instead of on her couch, Jessica spends her time chillin’ in the courtyard of an Ohio jail.

[via True Crime Report]

This Guy Sucks. Period.

Nicholas Geranios is an asshole. Think I’m being judgmental? He pimped out his slow “girlfriend.” I don’t mean he slapped rims on her or installed a 40” in her back Xzibit style. He prostituted her on the internet, then beat her. As if doing that wasn’t shitty enough, he bragged about it. Thankfully, her mother found out, leading to Nick getting pimped out in prison.

[via Regretful Morning]

Exorcizing Dick Demons for the Greater Good

 

Deep in North Carolina lives a 15-year-old possessed by sexual demons. Luckily for the rest of Earth, his grandmother Toni Stowers-Moore knows what to do. Take one for the team and fuck him. Fuck those demons out of that dick so he can’t spread the demons all over his middle school playground, or her new towels. She now claims he raped her, but originally it was her “religious duty.” She’s awaiting trial since he ran off and is hiding from the police. Check the lingerie aisle in K-Mart.

[via True Crime Report]

Clearly some people rubbed guts with this guy. Poor them.

Hardwick4Hulk! Not This Guy.

 

There’s nothing as refreshing to a kid as a good goof, especially during back-to-school time. Apparently, kids don’t dig hurling water balloons into freshmen’s crotches anymore. Now they dress up as superheroes, get drunk, and run around town taking out youthful rage on sunroofs. In Worcester, police have no clues leading to who smashed in the roof of Bev Churchill’s car, EXCEPT THAT IT WAS THE INCREDIBLE HULK! Hulk no understand conjugation of “buscar!” Hulk smash Ford Fiesta!

[via Regretful Morning]

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2 comments

  • I want to marry a southern hillbilly they are sexy and I love the way they live.!!! He puts his hands in his butthole and then smelling it. Then he farts and expects me to smell it. Also his name is eddie kidder and he lives in lindenhurst with his mommy he loves eating me out and i wonder if he will get it about losing my virginity to him he is a little bit slow but i still love him you can call him a pig but in my eyes i think hes the MAN!!!