Nerdist was started by Chris Hardwick and has grown to be a many headed beast.

Sex Nerdist: Talking Dirty with Tron-a-Sutra

by on September 7, 2010

NSFW & Self-Embarrassment alert!!!

Never in the history of geekdom has it been so ripe for a nerd to get laid. I bring you my current obsession, the Tron-a-Sutra.

Now, I’m a big cheerleader of bedroom how-to’s seeping into the zeitgeist, so when Nerdist’s own Matthew Burnside sent me this link, my brain threw a parade.

At first, it was just “Yippee! Sex positivity through fan fiction!” but then the hotness set in.

Talk Nerdy to Me

It’s not just the 20 sexual positions on display that really gets me about Tron-a-Sutra. It’s also very much the voice over with jaw-dropping matter-of-fact sexual innuendo.

When it comes to talking dirty and roleplaying (sans dice), I struggle with not sounding like a fail. This winning hunk of fanfiction has inspired me to levels of erotic word play I haven’t felt for quite a while…

For instance, check out this little nugget from Step 5 of the Missionary video:

“Programs generate an algorithm, to formulate a building oscillation of their hardware, to further optimize file sharing.”

How can you argue with that? The imaginary hetero-ladybot in my head can’t:

“Well hello honey. *nuzzle* It’s algorithm time.”

“Oh sweetie, my USB port is just not up to downloading your files tonight.”

“Awh, that’s not what the Master Control Program wants to hear. Doesn’t my favorite program want to play?”

“Hee hee. Stop it. You’re so dirty! Well, maybe if you help me power up.”

“Anything for the cutest receptor on the game grid.”

Score! No. Seriously. It’s called SCORE! And it’s the awesomest thing currently in my cerebral cortex.

My favorite giggle-moment is when the alluring robot-lady voice describes a position as  “predating the abacus.” This as two glowing cyber-people lie dry humping on the screen. I think to myself, “Is this really happening to my eyes?”

Living the Dream

So how do us analog types bring this fantasy to reality? Well, first, you need a consenting humonoid. Then you don homemade costumes, a la bicycle helmets, spandex and glowire.

But mainly, you need words… juicy nerd words. Here are some examples to help escalate oscillations:

Initiate Contact:             “Hey cutie. I’d sure like to serve your system.”

Booting up:                         “Oh baby. You’re just the right circuit to hold me.”

Getting Cheeky:            “If you don’t behave, I’ll put you on the game grid!”

Ready for Action:             “Put your dongle in my USB port. I need your files so bad!”

Upping the Ante:             “Who’s your daddy? Acknowledge. Acknowledge!”

Final Download:             “I’m close. Oh, I’m so close. End… Of… Liiiiine!”

Corny? Maybe. But in the mood, what might seem like cheesy dialogue can hit just right. And anyway, without a sense of humor in the bedroom, we might as well de-res ourselves right now.

End of line.


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