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Sex Nerdist Review: The Crab Hand of Doom

My saga of the Leo Ina is one of bold vision, poor execution and a possible conspiracy theory.  Sit down with me a spell while I tell my tale…

It all started innocently enough. A workplace toy raffle, a winning hand. I was the envy of all the girls as I left that day, my purple prize clutched to my bosom. Home I went to honeymoon with my precious.

THE VISION:

Lelo Ina comes from a proud Swedish lineage. Like her forebears, Ina is rechargeable, quiet and lovely.  Her playful end is coated in non-toxic, non-porous silicone. But what makes Ina different from all her older sisters is her dual stimulation.

Mmmmmm… dual. Friends, when it comes to satisfaction, there are two kinds of women in the world: Outies and Innie/Outies. The first group can make due with a little pocket rocket or silver bullet, but the second group, well… they prefer a hearty filling to meet minimum standards. I belong to that greedier category.

So Lelo was everything, and a bag of chips. The chips being eight variable throbbing patterns and at its zenith, the “Circular Mode.” It revs inside and out, back and forth, “tantalizing her user before delivering the most prolonged satisfaction, time and time again.” The toy copy alone is foreplay enough. This, I knew, was it. The toy I had been waiting for. My Magnum Opus.

So I get home and in my most inquisitive Sex Nerdist state immediately  break open the box, stopping only a moment to admire the beautiful packaging before ripping her from her sheath. Boom. Let’s dance.

EXECUTION:

Owning Ina was a magical experience. Up until the moment of insertion. Then everything went to hell. I didn’t know my love button could be bitch slapped. Ina taught me this and other things.

She taught me that the distance between my g-spot and external vulvular parts is farther than I thought. She taught me that if something hurts the first time, it won’t hurt less the second. She taught me to distrust Europeans.

As Melody from Michigan writes, “I am not sure why it hurts so much on insertion and removal… This gadget will make you orgasm. But try to remove it: ouch again.” Melody, why did you still give it 5 stars? I’ll never know.

Of course, I’ve read other reviews online and many seem to like it. They like the crustacean death grip this pleasure object provides. Considering the space allotted for the pelvic bone and surrounding tissue, plus her negligible wiggle room, I have not recommended her since.

CONSPIRACY THEORY AFTERMATH:

Defeated, I banished her to my bottom drawer, wrote my op-ed piece for work and sorely settled in for the night feeling truly violated. But a growing doubt began to form.

How could they fail me? Lelo is the Apple of sex toys! Is there something I’m missing? A secret that dare not speak its name?  And then the jigsaw pieces clicked into place. If I pivot this bad boy around, the itty bitty end would go right into my (gasp)… No!

And suddenly, I knew. Ina was no Muffin Mistress. Au contraire! Ina is more like an Ass Master. But who would test this hypothesis but yours truly?

Yep. I took one for the team.

It took a lot of praying and soul searching. I was scared. Sure, I’d taught hoards of souls about backdoor basics. But this crab hand of doom, this clenching clam… this sex nerd may have met her match. I had to do it. For science.

So we sat there, her and me, eyeing each other suspiciously. A little lube, a little patience, a deep breath later and… huh. What a shocker! Everything matched. It was gonna be okay. I was going to be okay. Those sneaky Swedes.

She gripped the perineal sponge perfectly! This erectile tissue between the female orifi is rich with nerve endings. Some would call it the second G-spot. And if I had actually been aroused at this point, well, I would have been smiling a bit more than than I was. But I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress.

CONCLUSION:

So should you or your loved one try this little shellfish? Perhaps. If a clamp-of-death clitgrip will relieve your carpel tunnel, give it a whirl. If someone’s PS-spot is yearning for some extra attention, put a bow on it.

As for me, next time I’ll order the rabbit.

***

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25 comments

  • WHERE do you WORK where you get sex toys at the workplace raffle? And can I get an interview there???

    Anyway, awesome post, very informative! The outie/outie innie thing is so true. And I believe it goes without saying that no woman, at least that I’ve met, is a straight-up innie. Sorry dudes. Also, I now have to do some serious research on this Lelo company, because that thing is so damn cute I would proudly display it on my coffee table.

  • This was a great review – from the picture I assumed it was meant for innie/outie stimulation too, not innie/innie. So funny! I have to say, I do own a different Lelo product, and they really are the Apple of sex toys. Esthetically pleasing, streamlined and high quality; I think I’ll be getting another style, but prolly not the crustacean claw – their G stimulator looks pretty rockin’ though…

  • @Sandra
    WELL DONE!!
    I’ve never read such a in depth review of a sex toy, I bought a Lelo Elise for my gf, she loved it. Being the nerd that I am I had to research to find the best one, this would’ve made my search a little easier.
    I must admit I did giggle like a child while reading it (in part because it is a humorous review). I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    This is quickly becoming one of my favorite websites to visit! Thanks Sandra, and Hardwick keep up the good work!

  • Sandra, you crack me UP! And I’m glad I got to read the end of this epic, as I never did get to hear it… I have become a big fan of TWO TOYS AT ONCE… one for “outie”, and one for “innie”, and never the twain shall meet.

  • @D-rock – Awkward.
    @ Duder – we shall all weep with you.
    @DefconDan – These things are meant to enrich our lives, like books, like music, like food. Your sexual prowess is just fine.
    @augie – don’t knock animism. Your chair might hear you.
    @Mr. Burnside – thank you for your giggles. I love it.
    @Derek – I appreciate the props. I might add that this post is ripe with fragmented sentences. And I meant to do the one thing I think you speak of. I got this ;o)

    And Chris, great article. I totally thought that was an iProd, too.

  • Gosh. The whole “Sex Nerdist Review” intro didn’t tip me off to what this device was. I thought it was a Wii gadget or some new Apple device (the Iprod perhaps…) until I actually set my gaze on the actual review.

    Well done, Sex Nerdist. You are far braver than I am.

  • Can a live demonstration be part of the next Nerdist podcast. Chris, dude, we need some freakin video. Time to make the jump to video podcasting.

  • Deb – hilarious. I admire your intuition. No one, and I mean NO ONE has believed me that it was meant to go *ahem* there until I told them my story. You are ahead of your time!

    The rest of you – I’m on a ten minute break but there’s so much to respond to! I am so impressed at the quality peeps that gather here.

  • So…what does it say for me that as soon as I saw the image you had posted, I knew where the gadget was meant to go?!
    I was extremely confused by your confusion once I read your piece (I probably could have phrased THAT better)!
    I suppose it could be the fact that I am second-generation ‘Merican on my Swedish side–call it “Scandinavian’s Intuition!”
    I am really happy to see the diversity blooming on the Nerdist site.
    Please keep up the good work!

  • Good article.

    I’m a big fan of sex. And I must say, after reading this article, only one thing comes to mind to say:

    You made a grammatical error in your last paragraph before your conclusion.

  • Wow well I’m a little more educated, a little more intimidated and oh joy, now even more inadequate…. ah Sandy thank you for the fun post and for making me realize all my sexual prowess was only scratching the surface… or not actually…

    PS Guys I have a solution to deal with these vibrating home wreckers… make batteries like $50 bucks a pop… then we can go back to our comfortable role of not enough foreplay, and overestimating that sexual Dewalt drill that’s really more like a wand massager, nearly out of its charge.

  • Good in theory, I mean G-spot and clitoral stimulation are a must, that’s why I use a vibrating cock ring that turns me into “The Rabbit” with m’lady, but JESUS look at the girth on that thing, it looks as though its intended for Nadya Suleman.

  • I totally panned this post because I thought it was some new Wii remote I had no interest in. And then something about the shape of it, lured me back. So it is a sex toy afterall!!! Sorry you had to take one for the team Sandra..it does look like it would be promising..

    I kind of wish the different contributers would put their pic up or some pictoral representation of themselves as part of the byline. I always assume its a Chris Hardwick nerdist post until some other detail clues me in otherwise.

  • As a female nerd (nerdette? nerdista?), I want to say thanks for taking one for the team. I enjoyed your research on our behalf, and I’ll be looking forward to reading more. :)

  • first time reading a sex nerdist post…. i uh.. umm… gee… golly.. willikers… hmmff

    i felt like i stumbled into the girls bathroom..

    equal parts intrigued and scared

    xo