Hillbilly News Update
by Matthew Burnside on July 5, 2010
Hillbillies – a carefully crafted breed of humans designed for our entertainment. I’ve collected four stories of irrationality to share with you all. Sorry. I’ve collected four stories of irrationality to share with y’all. There’s beer, nudity, cheese, and a baby co-op. All the ‘billy news your tiny hearts can handle after the break.
Walmart: The Hillbilly Beehive
Thanks for shopping at Walmart. Let’s see what we’ve got here. Some potato chips, a can of Manwich, a light bulb. Some AA batteries, a big ol’ bag of socks, mosquito repellant with extra DEET. Gun ammo, beef jerky, and…this is a baby. We don’t sell babies. Where did you get this?
A lovely Californian couple were in need of some extra cash since their last meth hits were wearing off. They hopped in the car with their 6-month-old and set off for Walmart, the hillbilly’s heaven on Earth. Trying as hard as they could, they just couldn’t persuade two women to buy their baby for $25. Too expensive maybe? Surprisingly, the police were called in on this black market bartering. Probably out of the fear of socialism taking over. They were taken to jail and now there’s one less meth addict breastfeeding in the world.
Be On the Lookout for a Naked Cheese Thief
I may live in Los Angeles, but I am an Ohioan at heart. There’s not many things more entertaining to me than an Ohio hillbilly news story. They are a special breed. Just watch FOX Toledo to see what I mean. They seem to only report on hillbilly culture, the weather, and terribly racist stuff. My friends and I called the primetime news, “Today in Racism.”
He may not be from northern Ohio, but Cincinnati’s Darrell Bess is worth mentioning. The man was hungry. Who doesn’t get hungry? So he did what anyone would do, stole a four pound block of cheese and escaped to the public library. On his way to the restroom he got bored and stole some dvd’s to entertain himself. Upon reaching said restroom, Darrell had worked up a sweat and needed to cool off. He removed all his clothing and splashed around in the sink. When the police came to spoil his fun they found the cheese, the dvd’s, and some knives. Hillbillies always carry knives. They’ll claim they’re for work, but they’re probably not. Thankfully, Darrell wore clothing to his court date.
If there is one distinctive hillbilly smell that isn’t deer pee, it’s alcohol. Apparently, this Paul Sneddon guy decided to go on a four day bender in an effort to get back at his liver…and his car. I’d say he did pretty good. At three times the legal limit he got behind the wheel, crashed into stuff, and flipped onto its roof. (I like to imagine an old, rusty Chevy Lumina.) That wasn’t enough for Paul, though. Too far down the hillbilly totem pole to be respected by his hillbilly friends, I guess. While waiting to be rescued, he reached for another cold, refreshing can of beer. Gotta take the edge off. Right, Paul?
[via The Daily Telegraph]
Another Drunk ‘Billy
Awe, the first days of summer. Nothing like hitting the Florida beaches, cruising for babes, and relaxing on an inner tube in the Gulf of Mexico during the worst oil spill ever. This blackout drunk drifted a mile offshore oblivious to the world around him. After blaring their horns and shouting to no avail, the Coast Guard rescued the incoherent dumb-dumb. Although, the guy isn’t completely worthless. His name is Jerry Whipple. That’s a fun last name to say out loud.
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