Google State University
by Matthew Burnside on July 23, 2010
Everyone has heard of The Information Super Highway, aka the Internet. You are on it right this very moment. How many people really use it for information, though? I don’t mean price checking Look Around You (available now on dvd, finally) or seeing how many episodes of Battle Bots aired. I’m talking about real information. Life saving information.
I woke up the other morning to my roommate, Mike, crying outside my door for help. Since he doesn’t have insurance, the hospital wanted to charge him over $200 to remove his stitches. I wouldn’t stand for it. I see myself as a protector of the people, so I offered my assistance in exchange for a free meal at the Souplantation. He wiped his tears, sucked up his snot, and agreed. Thanks to Google, you can now call me MB M.D.
It didn’t take me long to figure out the complexities of cutting some threads and pulling them through human flesh. Lacing your shoes is harder. Without any troubles, I found an abundance of free tips written by real doctors, who, to the best of my knowledge, don’t travel through time. Their knowledge now filed into my mental trapper keeper, I sterilized my tools and got to work.
I quickly realized that wearing a SARS mask would fog my glasses. A choice needed to be made: the glasses or my mask. The mask won. Mike couldn’t really wash his foot for a week so it smelled like the inside of a tauntaun.
Two minutes in and I was halfway done. I could have charged $50 per minute at this point. Dumb move on my part. He even used a coupon at Souplantation. I got hustled.
Speaking of Souplantation, I needed a snack.
After snacking, I decided to play through a chapter of Alan Wake.
Mike didn’t think I was taking it seriously. He’s the one who turns down the music at the party. I gave him a glass of milk to calm down and got back to it.
A few minutes later and I was done. Simple. I saved the day and got my soup buffet. All is well. No need for amputation. Although, I wonder if Google could have taught me that too?
The moral of this story is to use the Internet to discover new, useful information and help people. Oh! Also, doctors suck and overcharge for ridiculously easy procedures. OH! Aaand I need to shower and shave before I let someone take pictures of me.
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