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My Vagina Is Not The Reason I Hated Red Dead Redemption

Look! Swimming horses! Magical!

I really, really hated Red Dead Redemption. Like in a ”omg I am so bored I could eat someone’s hand off-not mine because I like having hands-but I am a little hungry for a hand snack” kind of way. And don’t think I am unaware of the cannibalistic nature of that sentence in relation to the RDR people-eating sub plot. BECAUSE I TOTALLY AM AWARE.

Look, I know everyone on the planet loves this game and I wanted to love it, too. There are virtually no Western themed video games, let alone any open world ones, something which always seemed weird to me because who doesn’t like Westerns? Besides your mom?

And yet here we are living in this Western-less video game world, subsisting on African zombies, fancy lad snack cakes™, and whatever little morsels of not Western themed shooters gaming developers have deigned to throw our way. So when RDR was announced, of course we all got raging nerd boners and salivated trail dust and thought dirty thoughts about The Unforgiven , High Noon , and Blazing Saddles and then the game came out and I. Was. Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind.

But-and here’s the thrust of the thing-no one else was bored. Thanks to a super scientific research project I conducted on Twitter, I would guesstimate about 900% of RDR players are very happy with the product which leads me to conclude I am either crazy or stupid or SMARTER THAN EVERYONE. I even asked game journalist Earnest Nex Cavalli for his thoughts on the game. Here’s what he had to say:

“There are few settings as innately masculine as the Old West. World War II will grow hair on your balls, life in Europe during the Dark Ages qualifies you for a tire rotation and side of beef at Firestone and training as a ninja in Japan circa 1470 will totes score you some mad geisha tail. Yet, for some reason, game developers just don’t use the Old West as a setting. That’s why it’s so refreshing to see Red Dead Redemption treat the era with such affection. By transplanting Grand Theft Auto’s game play basics to the unfamiliar landscape, RDR‘s creators leave players free to enjoy the more entertaining aspects of life in the dusty frontier: namely, shooting cattle rustlers, tying women to train tracks and failing, repeatedly in all of my efforts to use a rattlesnake as the single most awesome lasso known to man.”

AHA! MASCULINITY! Is my vagina to blame? Is that why I was so turned off by the game? Because my vagina doesn’t care? Let’s think about that for a second, pee on it, and then light it on fire. While I greatly respect Nex’s opinion and way with words, I must vehemently disagree with the idea of “Boys Only Fun” being the major draw of this game. I love Westerns. My vagina definitely loves westerns especially that one with Russell Crowe and Sharon Stone and Gene Hackman. I am meh about GTA but not enough for it to greatly influence my feelings here. I’m not  immune to the naughty excitement of hogtying a lady in order to gain valuable information leading to more fun in-game play. What I don’t like is riding, riding, riding my horse all over the place for hours on end without encountering a single fun thing to shoot at or advancing the plot in any way. ALSO WHY CAN’T MY HORSE SWIM? Horses swim in real life. They ford things. Like rivers. WHY CAN’T MY HORSE FORD? Ugh.

To sum up: I did not enjoy Red Dead Redemption. That game owes me fifty bucks and a fording horse.

Learn more about what Kiala hates here!

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60 comments

  • I think maybe where I find the time is that I’m not a television personality doing tv shows and podcasts and guest hosting on *other* tv shows that I don’t regularly host alongside supporting a successful stand-up career. On the contrary, I’m just some schmuck who works an 8-5 and then on the weekends when I’m not doing any of a sundry assortment of rudimentary errands and tasks, I get online with my equally bored friends and bandy about the great homogenized west that is Red Dead Redemption, jumping out from behind trees like rapey sadistic bears and stab, shoot, and throw dynamite at anyone that passes by. And then we laugh at people cursing us and our special brand of outlaw griefin’.

    But that’s just me. Results may vary.

    But yeah, that’s where *I* find time.

  • I agree with Ben G. There are dozens of interesting things to do when travelling and, like stated above, a way to travel instantaneously to previously explored locations. I, for one, enjoy taking the time to ride from place to place just to see the sights along the way. When I feel like saving some old prospector from getting shot by bandits I just listen for 15 seconds until I hear some gunshots over the next hill. Or I could work on the many in-game achievements like skinning different animals or finding treasure. Or I could play some poker, cheating all the while. Or I could get into a one on one gunfight. Or…I could go on forever listing the endless things RDR puts on your plate throughout the whole game.
    I don’t really understand how you could find the game boring unless you don’t like anything I just listed. If that is the case then you just really don’t like PLAYING Westerns, just WATCHING them.

  • There are areas where the water is shallow enough that you can cross on foot or on horseback- in fact, you herd cattle across a river at one point.

    Just sayin’

  • I really loved this game. While it is true that at first I was riding my horse all over I soon learned the “waypoint, set camp, and travel” skill. This allowed me to zip all over. What is not to like about this game? There are activities all over the place. I don’t know how anyone could be unable to find anything to do! If by some act of God you are unable to find anything to do just run, ride, or travel to any fucking town and I can guarantee on my mother’s life you will find something to do!!!!!!!!!

  • I was quickly bored with the last GTA but am crazy about Red Dead. I don’t think it’s boring at all. Maybe I just like shooting and skinning skunks though. It’s like my inner redneck coming out.

    Hardwick: I just sleep less. Problem solved.

  • You don’t HAVE to ride your horse all over. 1. Set waypoint 2. Set campsite 3.travel. Every time i’m riding I can’t go anywhere without having to save someone, round up prisoners, get someone’s stolen carriage back, get challenged to a duel, jumped by a gang, or run across a random side mission like getting someone medicine or rounding up some flowers. So I dont know why you are finding “nothing” to do. Not only do you have a few main missions at once you have all of the sharpshooter, hunter, treasure hunter and clothing acheivements to complete. EVEN without all this awesome stuff that you can’t seem to find, there is FREE ROAM MULTIPLAYER. Get online with a friend and mess with some online players or complete the Gang Hideout challenges. Or just snipe each other like crazy. So… Fun.

    Also.. horses don’t swim because they need you to unlock Mexico and the forrest areas by completing missions. Yeah it’s lame but.. they needed borders that aren’t just steep canyons.

    I got bored with GTA missions and Multiplayer within about 48hours of game play.. RDR has already given me that much and more and I’m nowhere near tiring of it.

  • You know whats boring and repetitive? This article. I feel like I just reread the first sentence 100 times. Next time maybe you could respond to someone explaining to you what they enjoyed about the game, then show us your big brain illustrating how smarter you are.

    Also, “The Quick and The Dead” is awful. I’d explain my thoughts on the matter but instead I’ll suggest that you reread this paragraph 100 times.

  • Honestly, I’ve tried games based on the various people I follow over in the Twitterverse’s recommendations. Thanks to your many, many comments about how boring it was, I investigated, thinking “It *can’t possibly* be as bad as all that!”. Further research has lead me to believe you are completely correct. Thank you for saving me that extra time so I can play more Bioshock.