The Worst Toilet
By Chris Hardwick on November 23, 2009
I took this at an old cafe in Paris. If you’re worldly, you’re probably all like, “Mmmbut zees toilets are EVreeWHERE, you buFOON!” Then you should start hitting yourself in the face because it’s not my fault I had never seen one before.
This type of “Standing Deployment” waste receptacle poses several logistical problems in my estimation. Going number UN seems pretty straightforward (literally), but number DEUX seems problematic at best. Let’s run the scenarios that I’m sure will be debunked in the comments section by an angry bored person:
- STANDING: Your first option would be to step up on the porcelain launch pads, face away from the toilet, drop your pantaloons and empty yourself. Of course, we humans are at a disadvantage re: poop-standing as our bipedalism has rendered our rectal firing system 4F and the resultant blast would be more reminiscent of an overactive Sugar Maple belching sap in lumpy spurts down its trunk. In this instance, the pants become less of a leg covering and more of a “shit net.”
- SQUATTING: Ok, let’s say you decide to squat down. You damn well better have the balance of a Cirque Du Soliel tumbler lest you fall backwards and end up supine in a tray of fresh butt butter, limbs a-flail like a toppled dung beetle.
- SPIDER-CRAWL: Using your ninja training and insanely developed quads you leap up from the foot stands and catch yourself in perfectly lateral splits against the opposing walls with unwavering strength. From this vantage, you rain down a Mentos-in-Coke-bottle-like fountain of your poop while holding your hands in a palm-strike position and screaming “Yu-Gi-OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
In my opinion, #3 is really the only viable option but does involve total lower nudity. Next time you’re in France and spot one of these waterless proto-toilets, see which method works best for you and report back on your results!
As a side note, posts like one are the probably the reason this blog is blocked from many of your work computers.