7(ish) Things I’ve Always Wondered about: Back To The Future
by Matt Mira on May 14, 2009
When Chris posted Doc Brown’s Open Letter to Marty McFly, I was inspired, NAY, determined to share with you, my fellow nerds, 7 things that have always bothered me about one of our all time favorite movies. However, when looking closer at Back to the Future… I found a little more than 7 so please enjoy the following…
7(ish) Things I’ve Always Wondered about: Back To The Future
- Next up: a nickels worth of “FREE” advice. Seems to me that advice just cost him a tardy.
1: Im not even going to ask the obvious question of what a 17 year old is doing at the 70 year old scientists house at 8AM on a school-day, no that would be too easy. The first question is and must be, what kind of experiment is Doc running to see if his clocks are all running precisely 25 minutes slow? None, if you ask me. I think he was just trying to mess with Marty. I mean, great, all of your clocks are slow. Did your entire garage/apartment/lab travel 25 minutes into the future? Or did you painstakingly put each clock into the Delorean one at time? No. I’ll tell you what you did, you took every clock in your garage/apartment/lab and turned them 25 minutes back. Like a dick. You knew all along that would make 4 tardys in a row for Marty. Didn’t you!?By the way what happens after 4 tardys in a row?
Why Does original George McFly have his shit together enough to Dye his hair? Yet new and improved George lets the gray loose like an old fart. Perhaps its a discovered self confidence that comes with punching your wife’s attempted rapist. But I chalk it up to pure laziness.
2: Marty agrees to meet his pal Doc in the parking lot of the Twin Pines mall at 1:30 in the morning. Now, a question I have been asking for 24 years must be addressed. How does Doc get in contact with Libyans? The 1985 equivalent of craigslist aka the Sunday classifieds in the Hill Valley Gazette? “Libyan terrorist sect seeks scientist with knowledge of physics and a love of laughter to build us a large nuclear device. You supply the smarts we supply the plutonium, and laughs ; ) No fatties: replies without pics will be deleted” I invite you all to write your own versions in the comments section. Flip it around if you like. Wide eyed scientist seeking plutonium…
- I said “NO FATTIES!”
3: OK, so I buy Emmit L Brown as a scientist with a wonderful imagination and the deep knowledge of general sciences and temporal theory necessary to create time travel in his garage/apartment/lab. That brings us to the explanation of the time vehicle and what dates one could travel to, if so inclined. Doc claims Nov 5, 1955 is a red letter date in Science, then, has a pause and laughingly remembers falling off the toilet and coming up with the Flux Capacitor… Seems like he knew exactly what happened. Nice acting “oh my god now I remember how great I am, inventing time travel and all.” Dick.
- I almost forgot to tell you how fucking awesome I am!
Jump to Doc is lying dead: Thanks again, Terrorists. Marty is on the run. In the only available vehicle (that just happens to be a time traveling DeLorean) As you can see from the provided still, Marty makes no attempt to avoid hitting the photo developing booth, 87 miles per hour right past Doc’s lifeless body. Lucky for him, he goes back in time just quick enough for it to turn into an old harmless albeit frightening scarecrow. Nice “accidental” Time travel there Marty.
- Turn Right? Nahhh.
4: In 1955 Marty sets in motion a chain of events that will forever alter his family. Nov 5, 1955 is not only the day that Doc had a vision of the Flux Capacitor, but also the day that George and Loraine were to meet and fall in love. However, with Marty in 1955, he tries to save his dad from being hit by his grandfather’s car only to wind up under it himself. Something to wonder: Mr Baines says “another one of these damned kids jumped in front of my car.” Does that mean that guys were always in the tree peeping at Leah Thompson? (A plausible theory, she was über hot in the 80’s and known to take her top off. See:”All the Right Moves” ’83) Or was Mr Baines a closeted alcoholic that often ran over teenage boys? I think the latter is the more likely.
- Ah, the days of the drinking lunch.
5: Biff just tells George to go away so he can rape the shit out of his future wife…. Yes Folks RAPE. Last I checked, rape was one of those “horrible” crimes. You know the kind we put people in jail for long long periods of time. Now, I’m no science guy, but in the future Im not going to let the guy who attempted to rape my wife hang around and wax my BMW Let alone my kids super sweet 4×4. The rapist is spending as much time AWAY from my wife and 3 kids as possible.
- Hey, Let’s hang out in 30 years, I’ll wax your car!
6: Upon his return to 1985 Marty wakes up on a seemingly average Saturday morning only to find everything has changed. Marty asks “What are you wearing dave?” and Dave says “Its a suit Marty, I always wear a suit to the office” Really Dave? well its Saturday. No one goes to the office on a Saturday. Where are you really going Dave? And why did you look at your brother like you were better than him just because he fell asleep in his clothes again. Who are you anyway? You still live at home and share the car with your parents.
- What are you wearing, asshole?
7: Apparently Biff is no longer mid-level management requiring “reports” to be written by George McFly only to be retyped by Biff. I mean do you realize what would happen to Biff if he handed in a report in George’s handwriting? Me either. Well, apparently the 300 bucks damage to his car caused by Marty’s trip to 1955 and subsequent skateboard chase through Hill Valley square, made him so enraged and upset, he started his own auto detailing company to stop these cutthroat price gouging car detailers. In this new 1985, Biff has spent the last 30 years trying to pass the savings onto you! Who cares if he tried to rape someone once? Obviously not George, thanks to the 2nd coat of wax on his 84 BMW 535i.
- Passing the savings onto you!
-Yes he is a scientist but i still maintain there is no way to connect a 1985 video camera to a 1955 television.
-Who unplugs the juke box when Biff walks in, only to plug it in as soon as Marty books it out of Lou’s? Isn’t that the best time to run outside and watch some shit go down? not stand inside and listen to the rest of “Mr. Sandman.”
-Marty now has to make out with his mother to save his future, Just before Biff returns to the story to rape Lorraine. I guess 300 bucks damage to his car means “time for a rapin’”
-Biff’s friends don’t wanna mess with no reefer addicts, and quite frankly neither do I.
-If I’m Doc Brown, I’m not chancing Marty returning to the future in an 84 (I mean 82, as Rob points out in the comments DeLorean shut down in 83) DeLorean hitting a cable at the precise moment a bolt of lightning hits a metal rod. I’m making a really, really long cable. side note, i was bored so i timed it, the DeLorean takes 45.3 seconds to get to 61 mph.
-Upon his return to 1985 Marty has about 200 feet to go from 88 to 0 on slick pavement… He’s not merely putting the front end of the Delorean through the Movie theatre/church of christ, the Delorean would be imbedded in the distant hills behind the town square….
Final side note:
I would also like to see the 2 off camera mental breaks George McFly suffered In 1966 and 1977 respectively when the Planet Vulcan appeared in Star Trek and Darth Vader showed up on screen in Star Wars. Wouldn’t you be confused after Darth Vader came down from the planet Vulcan and said he would melt George’s brain if he didn’t ask Lorraine out to the enchantment under the sea dance, If I were George I would sue the pants of Gene Rodenberry and George Lucas.
- Get out of my head, Rodenberry!