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An Open Letter from Doc Brown to Marty McFly

Dear Marty-

docbrown

Having recently reviewed the surveillance footage of the events of the night you went back to 1985, I couldn’t help but be slightly taken aback by your spurious reasoning of only allowing TEN FUCKING MINUTES to SAVE MY GODDAMN LIFE. Ten minutes??? Really. You actually thought that you could get from the Courthouse to Twin Pines Mall (I’m sorry, I mean LONE Pine Mall now–way to run over a tree, fucknut) in ten minutes. What the fuck did you think that could accomplish? What were you going to do? Vanquish the Libyans with your shortness? Yeah, I said it. YOU’RE TINY. Like Ratatouille (2008 reference), but in a puffy vest . Listen, you little feathered-haired leprechaun, any one of these Hill Valley MOUTH-BREATHERS would have had the good sense to go back, oh I don’t know, AT LEAST A DAY to give me time to prepare for the Middle East extremists and their Summer of Love van of fucking DEATH, what with having a device that has mastered the dimension of TIME and all. And I’m INCLUDING Biff in that group. You are goddamn lucky that I have a compulsive disorder when it comes to taping paper back together. Otherwise you’d have been as useless as Einstein with a Vernier caliper. Mark my words, Stuart Little, as SOON as I get this DeLorean up and running again (thanks for turning my car into a fucking lightning rod, BTW) I SWEAR I am going to go back and convince Jennifer to dump your Hobbit ass so you can go on that dumbshit camping trip ALONE with nothing to do but jam your little meerkat penis into that extra sleeping bag in the back of your gaywad new truck. Then I’m going to fuck her into tomorrow…LITERALLY. How long am I going to tap that skinny bitch? “Ten minutes oughta do it!” You vapid douche.

Thanks for watching me get shot twice,

docbrownsig21

PS – You’re a fucking CHICKEN.

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78 comments

  • anonymous: I’ve been staring and staring and I fail to see the spelling errors that Complainy T. Emoticon mentioned. He/she/it must know something that spell check doesn’t!

    Marty: Look, PHILOSOPHICALLY I don’t have a problem with you throwing the pipe to your mom. To be honest, I went to 2039 and porked my great niece. That’s how you have to do it…the FUTURE doesn’t leave a baby trail! My only concern was you fucking up the timestream, thwarting your own birth and my not having someone to sweep the lab anymore. Can you imagine how weird that would have been? You would have vanished from existence the moment you stuck it in your mom! That’s a LITTLE hot, though…Quantam Incest…Um…I gotta make a quick trip…

    Emmett “Doc” Brown

  • I give instant slack for spelling errors and typos on message boards, after all, how many of us are typing on those jacked up iPhone keyboards. Maybe by the time apple puts out a decent typing interface for their phones, our hoverboards will be here

  • This is so effing hilarious, I remember thinking the SAME thing, but not as eloquently as that, of course. I mean 10 minutes? Jesus.
    However, when they recently played B2TF on tv, I was crushing on Mickey J and his feathered hair. He’s as cute as a button.

  • Dear Doc,
    Hang on a moment… Where the hell do you get off complaining I didn’t try to save you early enough? I tried to warn you in 19-FUCKING-59! You know, just after I gave your life some goddamn meaning by showing you that you were anything other than a talentless madman? 30 years should enough warning time, if you hadn’t decided to lecture me on temporal paradoxes, while I was trying to SAVE YOUR GODDAMN LIFE. Which I succeeded at, BTW.
    Thanks to you, I was nearly shot by Libyan terrorists, beaten to a pulp by an illiterate thug, and raped by my own Mum. And I had to drive a DeLorean. So where do you get off complaining I didn’t return too early to dramatically change history, after you SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME NOT TO DRAMATICALLY CHANGE HISTORY? Fuckersville, that’s where.
    Your unwitting pawn,
    Marty

  • On to more pressing matters: can I borrow the DeLorean to travel back to the time when it became socially acceptable for people to clip their fingernails outside, in public places? Because I’d like to nip that shit in the bud pronto.

  • First of all, Marty, I picked the DeLorean because John DeLorean was my second cousin and it was free. Secondly, you have some SERIOUS stones to be bitching about synching the clocks when you fucked my amp in the face. That was the only thing of value I had left!!! I WAS going to embark on a temporal tour with my speed metal band, “The Emperors New Tits,” but I guess your fucking things up isn’t bound to just cars and time machines. THIRDLY, re: Almanac: I told you…I didn’t invent the time machine to win at gambling. I invented it so I could fuck Old West teachers in a flying train. You go hell now.

    Emmett “Doc” Brown

  • I’m so sorry, Doc, but I believe you lost all right to complain at the precise moment you decided that you could get away with trading pinball machine parts for plutonium. You’ve presumably earned a doctorate in some field – I don’t know why you keep changing the subject when I ask about it – so I feel comfortable telling you that it wasn’t your brightest fucking idea. How hard did you hit your head on that toilet again?

    While we’re on the subject of brilliant ideas, nothing says user-maintainable like a DeLorean, am I right? Clearly, when building a vehicle that transcends time you should opt for a make that was only in existence for TWO goddamn production years. Good luck finding a new starter for that piece of crap, you wiry-haired asshat.

    Oh and speaking of asshatery, I was taking a tour of a power plant the other day and I asked them how many “jigawatts” they could generate. They laughed me out of the fucking building. Hard ‘G’ in gigawatt, chief. What was your doctorate in again?

    Anyway I’m glad you found my letter, even if it looks like you let Einstein pee all over the damn thing. Consider getting shot my way of saying “thank you” for that time that you made me synchronize your entire fucking clock collection. Next time I’ll tell them to aim higher.

    Oh, and thanks for throwing out my Sports Almanac. Really dodged a bullet with that one…

    Martin McFly, Sr.

  • Oh fuckin bitch about it, Brown.
    You have a goddamn DeLorean that can tear an asshole through time!
    Anyone with that kinda power shouldn’t complain that his ONLY friend didn’t give himself a whole lot of cushion to save your coked out ass from some half baked Jackass looking stunt, you lonely old perv!

  • jacob I agree! Doc’s being WAY to harsh about this. Not to mention YEARS after the fact. He either came straight to 09 after it happened and is still pissed or he’s just being a big baby.

  • Okay, okay. Okay.

    So ten minutes, I get it. Doesn’t make sense. But we’re not only dealing with time paradoxes, people, but plot devices! Give Marty a damn break!

    Dude had the best intentions. Seriously. We can’t debate that. Sure…half an hour…two hours…another week to at least spy on Jennifer in the shower would have been the logical choice.

    But…I mean…it’s Zemeckis. If we’re going to split hairs here, we can head right on back to the first act…